Insight to Lala's world

finding a little help......

2012-01-24T21:29:00.000-08:00

I recently...like yesterday and today recent....signed myself up for 2 workshops.... I am not sure how this is all going to work being out for 2 nights in a row as a single mom...but I felt it was important enough to do... all steps right?!?!

so the first group I signed up for is called Divorce Care.... I figure since part of my problem is living in my reality versus holding on to the dreams and possibilities....it was time for me to take the steps forward to bring in more healing and I love the idea that this is a support group as well...others who know the depth of the pain that I have experienced this past year. I do have a friend who is going thru the same thing...sadly...that I am... we both hate that the other is experiencing what we are living out but we are glad to have each other and the support that we can bring each other.

Let me say that I never thought I would be divorced. It's still very surreal to me...even though it's not legal yet.... parts of me have held on that some "miracle" would happen and all this would go away. I know now there is no "miracle" but a series of choices that would have had to happen on both sides. The inner struggle of all this is hard to describe...it's pretty brutal a lot of the time and a lot of emotion and energy goes into putting one foot in front of the other which gets easier day by day...there are set backs on the road....memories that threaten to pull you back under....children that you live with that are pulled between it all and watching them struggle is probably the worse pain of all.... and the knowledge that they feel pulled more because I feel so pulled all over the place. The whole thing breaks my heart and the sadness is a type I never thought possible. so......going to get some healing with this group I think is a good thing...learn to put things in perspective and gain some more ground.

I would do anything to change my reality.... so I am!

the second workshop I signed up is for a parenting class based on the teachings of Gordon Neufeld called the Power to Parent.... here is a little overview on the course

The secret of the power to parent lies in children being in right relationship to their parents. The more difficult the child or the problems, the more this is true. It is this very relationship that is being eroded by cultural chaos, by competing attachments to peers, and by parenting practices that interfere with the development of attachment. To compensate for the loss of cultural wisdom we must become conscious of attachment and then parent with attachment in mind. The only salvation for parenting that is truly natural and intuitive is to work at attachment and let attachment work for us.

I also signed up for 4 workshops held at our school led by Colleen Drobot who is a faculty member of the Neufeld Institute. These are once a month and last night was the first session....it was really good..information packed full and my head is still chewing and processing all I tried to absorb. I SO get that I am not in an "alpha" position with the girls... this needs to change!! Last nights title was Relationship Matters....the thing she said she hoped we took away the most from last night was the idea/teaching to "collect" your children....I am not sure I can explain it well here as I am still just grasping that concept....but it's to get their eye connection ...basically to make a connection with your children...during conflict..last thing at night...first thing in the morning...to get that connection to bring them back to your side figuratively speaking. So I was challenged with this this morning as I find happens most times when you learn something new and have an uh ah moment....you get smacked right away with a big challenge with it! She talked about the different development stages of children and the idea that attachment is the single most important thing in your child's life..... you don't run away from "home" you run to where you feel safe....wow! she also challenged my discipline beliefs by giving the analogy about taking things away from your kids as a discipline... she said....think of your relationships with your friends, if you make a mistake with them do they say to you "well since you did that I am going to cancel Tuesday nights dinner" or "I don't like how you just talked to me so give me back the birthday present I gave you"..... when you look at it that way... it just doesn't make much sense. She wasn't saying if your kids are abusing something you don't take it away from them for a time...but to take away things that are special or important to them...especially your time!!! as a punishment sends the child into "alarm" and you haven't dealt with the root of the issue but reinforced something deeper happening then the "symptom" aka acting out that the child just did. The teaching believes there are much less harmful disciplines that are more effective... I can't wait to learn them!

So it's a new way of thinking and I know what I have been doing really hasn't been working for me! Add to that the fact that I am sure that all 6 of us... I include their dad in this... are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... and I have been doing my best at being a full time single parent this past year...then add meeting girlfriends, girlfriends children and boyfriends....and yah.... it's been a hell of a year. So time to get back on track! time to get some help! time to be obedient to doing what I feel I need to be doing, staying strong for the girls and concentrating on my relationship with them and God before adding an outside relationship to the mix....and be prepared to think way outside my box!!

It's part of my strategy to live in my reality and keep moving forward in my life.

when the going gets tough.....paint :)

2012-01-22T22:04:00.000-08:00

this is my painting I did tonight.... I had a bit of a weird day...was supposed to be my day "off" but I think I have learned today that there is no such thing when you are a mom of 4 and running a business! just a simple fact and the more I look forward to my down time and then it doesn't happen the more disappointed I become ... just not worth it and so time to change my wording/thinking for days off.

I have been wanting to paint for a couple of weeks, it's one of the few things that I do that I can shut down the constant Rolodex of thinking my poor brain does and I can just BE... it's my meditation in a sense. The girls were supposed to go their dads last weekend and was re-scheduled for this weekend but the weather wasn't cooperating and so I didn't get any mom time off...again is there such a thing? it's not like you stop being a mom cuz they go away for a few days once in awhile ;) ..... so all week I have been thinking about painting...being creative and getting some me time... just a glass of wine some paints and some uplifting music. So having to readjust as I am getting used to, I decided to make it a fun mom girl time.... we had a few challenges and one of the girls ended up being sent upstairs for "alone-thinking" time and another girl had to clean paint that was splattered on my floor and wall... I see that it is actually still on the wall uh hem... and so it was just me and 2 of the girls :) but we put on Janny Grein cuz we couldn't find the classical music station on the tv channel....found a painting we could all agree on that we wanted to use as our inspiration....and started to paint.

(Faith's painting) I could lose myself in my thoughts even with a little added drama....cuz really thats my life... and thought lots of thoughts.

(Emily's painting)

I thought... wow my daughters are talented!!! and I love that they can sit and paint with me like this. I thought a few sad thoughts as I recalled a conversation I had earlier in the day...one that I cannot blog about. I have made a few decisions lately... decisions to stand on my own but not on my own.. I know sounds confusing but I am finding myself despite myself and inside my faith. My faith is something that I honestly have struggled with. I am angry at God. I am feeling so many varied things. I do not question His existence...I do not question His Love... I do question so many other things though. BUT I will figure it out.. I will continue to seek and draw from what I do know. I did go to church today, a new church that thankfully has 3 services so I can almost always work it around soccer, and it was good to go again. Like breathing in fresh air. It's what I know and it's where I know me and the girls belong...not necessarily this particular church always...but church is something I need to make more of an effort to attend. So while I feel/know I have so much further to go.. I do feel like I am still making steps forward...even with the girls I am being stronger and stronger..much to their dislike!!!!... I am moving forward!! more on this later!

this picture speaks to me of fire within and yet surrounded by peace! I love it. ..... it's a Monet.

Mean Girls

2012-01-19T21:52:00.000-08:00

It sadly seems like part of a girls right of passage to have an incident or 2 with "mean" girls.... grade 6 girls in my experience seem to be the worse year for mean girls... it seems to be the year the extra load of hormones kick in and girls grow scales and a witches tongue...ok maybe not that extreme :) but they do turn a little evil! I am a mom who has had 3 girls in grade 6 with 1 more to go I do know something of which I speak.

My oldest had a terrible experience in grade 6 and was one of the reasons we decided to move up North and give her a bit of a fresh start. She had a worse repeat of mean girls in grade 10 and man did that leave a mark...or 4.

Please know that as I write this and am said mother of 4 girls... I know my own girls can be "mean" girls and in fact I live with them practicing regularly on each other and I even get thrown into the target range of the mean girl pleasantness. It's a wonderful thing yah uh hem... anyways not saying my girls don't get caught up in it cuz they do.

My 3rd has had troubles since K...so so far in grade 6 she has seemed to work out most of the mean girl kinks and has had a relatively sane year! and for her this is even more incredible! she does have friend issues but she hasn't come across the back stabbing gossip spreading hurtful vengeful tactics of a full on mean girl showdown.

This week my 2nd in grade 7.... my most gentle soft daughter... has experienced full on mean girl behaviour. She has never struggled with friends beyond the regular tift or 2... she is a stable person and isn't normally on the receiving end of typical girl crapola. The tears last night were truly heart breaking as she poured out her hearts hurt by girls turning on her for reasons she just couldn't seem to understand...total disclaimer here...it doesn't mean she didn't DO anything wrong she just didn't perceive their fierce reactions to her... I was heart broken for her. She didn't even want to go to school today and that is SO not like her.... this morning I told the girls in times like this is when you STICK together as sisters as that relationship trumps everything. Apparently my youngest approached the "mean" girls and said she would punch them out if she heard they were mean to her sister again....I do NOT condone violence...but I couldn't help but smile to myself and had to tell her to NOT do that as it is something I think she would actually be capable of! Hailey stood up for her as well....I was pleased...sisters need to stick together when the poop hits the fan.

I think that fundamentally this is the great divide for a lack of a better term. Girls are friends with so many classmates in elementary school and by the time high school arrives they have pretty much fit themselves into a group....you know the stereotypical groups of preps skaters jocks nerds...well that is what they were called when I was in high school I am informed by my girls that they are not called that anymore and " those names are SO uncool mom!!" the girls will fit into their own particular group and some girls that they are close with now might not be in their group later. It happens. So hard on girls but part of the development that must be normal as it seems to happen every generation!

As a mom of 4 girls I know that they are going to go through all the crap that girls go through....from fighting over boys to mean girls...there is no way to stop it... just have to love them through it...listen and encourage and teach them to take the high road! that's not a fun lesson to learn but they will run into mean girls their entire lives. Lessons are lessons even when they break your heart.

keeping it all together....the fab 5

2012-01-17T22:00:00.000-08:00

When I look back at almost 18 years ago when I first became a mom I knew that time would fly but I really had NO idea. In March my oldest baby will be 18....in June she will graduate high school....and she is already making plans to stretch her wings and fly.... I am filled with emotions about that.

I so want her to live a full well lived life with what she wants to do and I so want to roll her in bubble wrap and hold her hand as she crosses the street. I have talked to her about travelling...see the world... go on a missions trip.... before she goes back to school and tries to figure out her career...live some! I know that all do not agree with that and really I don't care... I want my girls to live some... I want them to experience what the world has to offer...to travel...to go on a missions trip to a 3rd world country and gain some perspective... not live my life but be able to figure it out and know themselves... you can always go back to school! I have a few family members that have gone back to school in their 40's and 60's even!! I don't feel you have to have it all figured out by the tender and confusing age of 18!!

Presently she is of the mind to move out as soon as she can....aiming for the end of the summer.....yikes! so don't know how to feel about it but I guess I can't very well tell her LIVE and then NO DON'T..... yah doesn't really work that way! so I try to give her reality checks...try to suggest my thoughts...hehe...doesn't work too well :) ...try to say ok do what you want and fearing the worse for her...but I have to trust that along the way I have taught her how to fail safely and she will keep getting up on her feet. I worry I fret I stress about it all. I desperately want to keep the Fab 5 safe under my wings of protection...but I know the time is soon approaching where I have to let her try out her own wings.

Meanwhile I will try to keep us together as much as humanly possible and with an all female household...well thats challenging to say the least! sisters are a very complex relationship! I know we won't all be together under the same roof forever and this leaves me with questions about where I will be when they are all gone flying on their own?! but thats a long time off yet....but I know just how fast that time goes!!!

being a momma

2012-01-16T00:09:00.000-08:00

I soooooo feel like I AM this woman somedays..... ok MOST days!!

What is it like to be raising 4 girls....one of my staff asked me tonight....that's a loaded question! it's crazy...it's chaotic...it's stressful...it's tiring....it's draining....it's wonderful,....it's fun....it's rewarding....it's unlike most things you will ever experience in your life.

How can you be prepared for motherhood and parenting.... they asked after.... um you can't! I mean there are books and more books and then some more books....but reading it...hearing about it...thinking about it...and actually LIVING it out...soooooo different! then each child from the next is a completely new person with their own set of rules that you get to figure out as you go! always changing always shifting and always unexpected! that is how I would describe parenting and being a momma......now being a single momma is different on top of all that... I get to be IT... the one stop shop of parenthood all wrapped up into a dark circle under the eyes so tired there is never enough sleep just keep going cuz no one is going to take your place if you collapse kind of life!...BUT there are also the karaoke singing our hearts out....laughing as we shop or do whatever it is we actually do!....the fun we have....the moments that will be impressed forever in our memory banks....I love being a mom. I was born to be a mom!

Life really is about the experience...the constant ebb of change that is always happening and our ability to move and shift with it...thats what our story is all about. Fight or flight. When life throws you curve balls....and it will....can you change and adapt with it or do you stay the same in a situation that demands change? Can you rise above it all? Can you look pain in the face deal with it and find the joy that is within you? Can you love despite being rejected? Can you trust when you have been abandoned? I think everyone has experienced pain rejection and abandonment in their lives to one degree to another.....and if you haven't yet you will....not a sadistic mindset just reality as I know it. What you do with those times and moments is everything....no different then being a momma...each child is different with their own sets of challenges...being a mom hurts sometimes... I have to say that being hurt by your child is a pain compared to little else...it hurts! but you can't reject back...even when you want too.... you can't walk away.... you deal with it head on....love...correct out of love....and keep striving to be the best mom you can and love the child no matter what.... much like most life situations..... now if only I can walk out what my head knows to be true!!

parenting 101...the alternative class

2012-01-10T06:19:00.000-08:00

there are so many things that I set out to accomplish when I first became a parent! my child would always behave in public...my child would eat her entire meal, no matter how much she hated it or how much I piled onto her plate,.....my child would be polite and considerate ALWAYS.... from expected behaviours to the ages I would allow them to do certain things like dating, make up, piercings... I had it all figured out in my mind.....

then reality set in :)

what I had planned out and what actually is are not the same thing

I mean with my first I did a really good job of trying really hard to stick to my guns and accomplishing the parenting dos and don't according to my ideology and not practical theory! my poor oldest would fall asleep at the table cuz she hadn't finished her dinner! I actually have pictures of her curled up on the chair sleeping cuz I wouldn't let her down until ALL her dinner was done ! um yah a little anal retentive over a stupid...in my now opinion.. matter. By my 4th daughter I didn't even care if she ate dinner at the same time as us! now that probably wasn't such a good idea either! talk about total shift between the oldest and youngest! now as far as dinner goes I still don't make my girls separate dinners.. I am not a private chef! what I make, when I actually cook these days!, is what I make if they don't like it they can have cereal or toast and even at that I make it clear dinner is what is for dinner...no choice there!

Make up was a big set deal as far as I was concerned with my oldest....no way would she wear it until she was 13 and then I went out and bought her a bunch for her 13th birthday and the girl has hardly ever worn makeup...she does some days but most days she doesn't and she is almost 18! with my 2nd I let her start wearing some make up at 12....by the time she was 13 she has been wearing full blown makeup...she LOVES makeup! my 3rd....I have had to fight the no eyeliner rule as she is still only 11 years old!!! the girl will NOT leave the house without it on! I think I can still hold out on the youngest for a while longer but as the youngest girl....it's not going to be easy! monkey see monkey do.

Dating...same thing! I had a courtship plan all set in my mind and how I would not allow my girls to date...I mean they could like boys cuz how can you not allow them to have feelings... I was dumb just not that dumb :) although some would debate that point :) It wasn't until this summer that I allowed my oldest to date...alone dating I am talking about...she was allowed to go out with groups of people even if the boy she liked was there..not a total prude! I figured that she had gained my trust and that is still a big issue for me with making decisions with the girls. I also figured that since I didn't have a really big dating background and was re-entering that world myself and the failure of my marriage that maybe dating wasn't a "bad" idea...I mean how are the girls supposed to know what they want from a guy or what they don't if they don't have any experience in that area? so.... I have changed my ideas of courtship as it pertains to dating. I still don't think I will allow the younger girls to alone date until they have earned my trust...as much as I can control that with all of them! I have 1 or 2 that will probably do the out the window trick or I am at my "friends" house with me and I would rather they be honest with me then sneaky! I don't want my girls to lie to me more then is already normal for kids to do with their parents!!

So when my now 13 year old asked for a bar ear piercing for her birthday.....nose at first that was a big NO....I thought about it for only a few minutes....why not allow her to scar her ear? :) what good reason did I have to say no besides an ideal in my head that she had to wait a certain age before I could allow that kind of a piercing... I couldn't think of any! she is clean..she will take care of it properly! the youngest now that is a different story she wouldn't and it would get infected and nasty... so I guess it comes down to knowing your individual children and trusting that you know them and giving them some trust in return.

I sure fall short in a lot of areas in my life...parenting one of them.... I think the great thing is that I am teachable...as much as I want to be able to teach my girls and guide them I am still open to learn new things and have new thinking even if they go against all my set rules and agenda's I formed in my head before having experienced them in real life!

the learning process...or part of it at any rate

2012-01-08T23:27:00.000-08:00

I just noticed that my last post was my 700the post!!! well actually I have done a lot more than that but I deleted a lot from when I was at first going thru the separation... I have gone back and forth on that.... part of me is like DON"T READ THIS if you don't want to know what I have to say! and I don't get how people are upset with my tiny little blog with snippets of what I have to say?! anyways I have rambled on about this before.... my point was I have written more than 700 posts and I just bunny trailed onto a hot topic for me.

having said that.....there are a lot of topics that are hot for me..... living out this past year you cannot know how many times I have wanted to pour everything out here...this is my therapeutic place... I get thoughts rambling through my head and I need to get them out and this has been a great outlet for me for the past 6 years! I can hardly believe it's been 6 years! If I had known then what life experiences I would have lived out ..... wowsers!!

obviously I am living in a bit of a concentrated time....by that I mean the external stuff is so INTERNAL that it is pretty much overtaking....did that make sense?! :) I cannot help be a bit self centered in my ramblings as it all feels like little bubbles floating up inside of me...they have to get out... I know I still have a lot left to feel to heal kind of bubbles.

I like the picture I posted above not only cuz it is me with 2 of my 3 sisters and holding each other up is what sisters who are also friends do! and that I can see how much weight I have lost not only in that pic from 6 months prior to that picture but again from that picture to now :) not a great diet plan but I do believe that my eating habits overall have changed and I have not only NOT gained back the weight I started loosing a year ago I have continued to lose more. :) I love that we are all laughing together... I have to say that I love my sisters and I love my family and I love love love that we know how to really laugh together! we hold each other up....we cry together....and we laugh together... I am blessed.

speaking of blessings....my friend was asking me today if I could list 10 things quickly that are blessings in my life...it wasn't hard to come up with 10....the whole point being to be concentrating on the blessings in a life so full of negative things and negative emotions.....to feel the feelings that come with thinking on the blessings.... it's a great exercise! I am going to keep that up...and want to teach the girls!

I want to teach the girls so many things... I want to teach them how to keep laughing and smiling and being real and feeling the bubbles as they come up on the inside and to be the most successful them they can be. It's a big mandate...one that overwhelms me a lot and I feel sorry for myself at times at the size of the task and the fact that I am down a parent sort to speak as I am pretty much raising them on my own now. Their dad gets to be the fun weekend no rules no daily responsibility kind of dad and I am the full time here parent who does all the driving, all the listening, all the responsibility and all the providing... it's draining. I used to be the big softy... ok I am still a softy I cannot completely change who I am but I am learning to be more firm and consistent...this is a big daily re-learning lesson as it does not seem to come so naturally for me. Did I mention I work a TON?! I do... I am tired! then my health hasn't been great and then yadda yadda yadda I am spiraling into the "heap" of pity parties and despair. wow that was fast!! I carry a lot of pressures. I carry a lot of pressures as a mom and the only present parent in the girls lives. I carry a lot of pressures with 2 family business that 1 I am trying to run and step into more of the other. I carry a lot of pressures just with life in general. It's a lot. I think the bottom line is I don't want to do it alone...and while I realize that I am not alone...specially when I have to spend 15 min sweeping the crumbs out of MY bed total grrrr moment for me thanks to my youngest precious one!!!....I am alone in a lot of my pressures. My children have other family but none that carry what I carry and although some help more then others and some simply choose not to help at all.... I am aware that it is my responsibility alone.

I think even outside of my martial status and the breakdown of the marriage a mom carries a lot of the pressures and responsibilities. I think we tend to worry more and carry more of the emotional end of raising our kids. I am not saying men don't, I am thinking that women being the emotional creatures we are...just do it more! I would be worrying about my oldest graduating high school and helping her plan her next steps even if their dad was still here or if I had an "other" partner a part of all of our daily lives.... I would be planning the birthday parties alone cuz I always have anyways. I did find signing just my name on the Christmas presents hard this year but not the solo shopping and solo wrapping cuz I did that solo forever. It's all learning for myself even as I teach the girls to stand by each other and hold each other up and laugh together even when you don't feel like it....just like me and my sisters do!

Happy Birthday to my Em

2012-01-07T00:34:00.000-08:00

I guess the day is officially over and it is not her birthday anymore...with a house FULL of 12 and 13 year olds I am thinking tonight is going to be a LONG night and instead of lying in bed trying to sleep and getting annoyed I figured now would be a good time to pound out an "ode to Emily" post ! so here it goes...exhausted and a kinked neck so bare with me :)

My Emily was born after a string of miscarriages and a terrible infection that almost ended any of the little hope that I had left that I would have another baby. 3 years of miscarriages a ton of heart ache and loss and the overwhelming cementing that I WAS a failure as a woman a wife ( now that sadly continues ) and a mother. My body was literally killing the babies with tons of tiny clots that cut off the life support system. We had all but given up...told by my dr to let it be....went off to see if we could repair our marriage that was suffering under the loss ( seems we didn't quite repair it after all ) and low and behold we were expecting an unexpected miracle. The day Emily was born I can say without a shadow of doubt brought a lot of healing to her dad and myself. To find out soon after that she had an under developed trachea was unnerving and we were not out of the stress free zone yet but we were healing with her very presence.

Em had colic....not as bad as her big sister but she was fussy and her dad had to put her in her car seat and swing her back and forth to get her to settle down...thankfully her daddy is big and strong! She HATED car rides...when she was old enough to communicate we discovered that she had terrible car sickness and as an infant just screamed when we were in the car....yeah NOT so fun!!

Emily became a big sister at the tender age of 15 months old...can't say she was too happy about that and left a few marks and scratches on her little baby sisters face to let us all know how she was feeling! She had a texture issue which she has thankfully outgrown unlike her youngest baby sister! and if her socks were not perfectly lined up across her toes she would do a hibby jibby dance and scream and cry "my toes are fuzzy my toes are fuzzy"...thankfully she outgrew that! at least she learned to put her socks on herself the way she liked them!

She has always been an amazing student at school. All her teachers call her a rockstar! she organizes other kids desks as she cannot stand looking at the chaos... I honestly DO NOT know how she functions so well in our family!! her side of the room is always clean and organized...she knows where all her things are all the time...her homework is always neat and complete and handed in on time...I have woken up on a Sat morning to her sitting at the table doing her homework...committed diligent and responsible describe her to the core. It is no wonder that she wants to be a teacher when she grows up.

Some women are just born to be mothers.... I have always thought I was one as I only ever wanted to be a mom...I mean I wanted to be other things but a mom was the most important.. my Em is the same way. from a very young age she loved babies...she knew instinctly how to hold them and how to care for them. She is an amazing babysitter and such a great natural momma to her little cousins and any baby she comes in contact with. I know that I know this young woman is going to grow up to be an incredible momma!

She has compassion and grace...I have watched her tuck her younger sisters in at night when they are already asleep and kiss them gently on their cheeks. I have heard her cry over her relationships with her sisters as she loves them so intensely and sister relationships at this age are far from easy. I have watched her give to others selflessly. I have seen her grow into an amazing teenager with a determination and a heart full of love that blesses me through and through.

My miracle baby continues to amaze me and bless me and as our relationship grows I am so extremely proud of who she is becoming. Strong and Beautiful on the inside and out....this girl, my Emily, is simply breathtaking.

Happy Birthday 13th baby girl

ramblings of a self proclaimed rambler

2012-01-02T21:37:00.000-08:00

my first post of 2012...nothing exciting...nothing profound...just my usual ramblings and thought download process that I usually do..... I find my mind swirling and twirling with thoughts as this New Year begins....

first...work....aiy cruumba... I have my hands full... and I can't divulge it on here.... I can say that I have to come up with a working plan... my working smarter and not harder is going to require a few brain cells to figure out... work is NEVER off my mind... I am constantly thinking about how can I ... and what should I and OMG's screaming in my head!!! now the enormous chore of switching the restaurants POS system over to the one we use in the bakery falls into my lap... a BIG data entry job but well worth it in the long run...oh and a time clock on me as well... cuz pressure is my middle name don't you know??!!

working for a family business where I AM my parents retirement plan.... yah....pressure!! although I do seem to thrive on it! :)

I do wish my sister Shash....lived here so we could run the business' together...2 heads are better than 1 after all!!

OR.... now in a perfect world... and I know we are not .... but in a perfect world....someone wonderful would come and want to walk BESIDE me and HELP me....he would LOVE my girls....LOVE my crazy chaos called home and WALK with me .....but alas.... I find myself drifting off into a world of wishes and longings that are yet unfulfilled.... I get that I am "wishing" for a lot... I do feel the pressures of my life and see the crazy that is my fab 5... I get what a package deal I am... I know what I have to offer...and what I don't.... I am just feeling a lot these days....questionable health...due to stress and overworking I am sure....pressure that seems to build and not fade... I know total "doom on me" thoughts or what?! sitting in the middle of my despair and feeling all sorts of sorry for myself!! you see this weekend I was surrounded by a ton of kids..... all happy for the most part...I cooked...I cleaned and organized... I know GASP!! some of you thought I didn't know how!!! I loved it! I love being surrounded by noise and something to do... I see that a big part of my self worth comes from "doing"... and when I am not doing....well I am just not as happy. Bad? Good? somewhere in between? am I rambling yet? am I boring you yet?! :) Now that everyone is gone back to their own homes..my own girls getting ready for bed and the start of school again tomorrow...choke gag sputter I DO NOT cherish school mornings :) .... I am left alone in my room...it's quiet...it's peaceful.... and I am left alone with my thoughts and ramblings and very much aware...of my loneliness......sad? pathetic? human? it's not that I am not happy with who I am... I just am missing something I think.... I know.

How can I acquire what I would like in my life easily quickly and enjoy the process? a great friend has been teaching me to ask myself this question...... it's hard to answer sometimes as my mind wants to jump to the negative nelly answers... I can't, I won't, this is always how it will be...want to flood my mind and drive me into the heaps..... but I won't let that be me... I have 4 girls watching and waiting for me to drive this family into the future..... I am tired....tired of working as hard as I am... I wish I didn't have to work as many days as I do... BUT I have too... I am the ONLY provider my kids have right now... so I hold my head up every day and keep going.... tell them I am doing this for you...tell myself it's a season and won't always be this way.... I dream of love and will keep doing what I am doing in this place I find myself... it's life... it's not easy...it's not fair... it certainly is not boring! :)

I have challenges and I have joy... I have amazing family and friends.... I have a TON of ideas and aspirations... I have selfish needs and a LOT to give... I am me... a rambling single momma of 4 daughters who loves life even ...... even in the midst of it all! :)

how was that for my first post of the New Year?! :)

2011

2011-12-27T11:09:00.000-08:00

Spending an hour in the ER every morning watching people come and go...sitting beside a kid probably about 14 years old get IV meds in his pic line and hear his mom say yes we are here for 3 weeks....meeting the "regular misfits" as one of the men call us...he had his appendix burst in his belly in Nov and keeps getting infection after infection throughout his body...one lady is there as a PIG actually attacked her and she has 148 stitches in her leg! it's an interesting hour to say the least. Put things into perspective for me. Makes me grateful once again for my health...even though something is still going on and isn't quite right.....a burst cyst and what they thought had happened makes me thankful for the burst cyst, although I never want to go through that pain again.

Leads me to my next thought....pain.... as I look back on 2011 and the quickly approaching New Year and the 1 year anniversary to the end of my marriage, I see a lot of pain. 2011 = pain. There are months that seem like a big blur as I was hardly even in survival mode...just getting by....gut wrenching pain. Divorce is a death and yet no one brings you meals and gives you a grieving time to pull yourself together. I have been reading books about it and the same thing is said by women going thru this ordeal...it's a death and one of the most painful things you will go through in your life. I am not even officially divorced yet and know I have some more pain to go through before I can finally put it all behind me. How do you put a lifetime with someone you loved behind you? Even last night my dad was going through old photos and of course they are filled with the girls dad....he was and will always be a part of my life. Letting go is hard and being able to separate yourself from what you have too to be able to keep walking forward seems at times an insurmountable task....and yet as a mom of 4 girls what other choice do I have?

I am 37 1/2 years old. I have experienced pain trauma and turmoil in my life to fill a few people's lifetimes. I have been a victim and I have victimised. I have been hurt and I have caused hurt. I have been wronged and I have wronged others. Sometimes I feel like my life has a bit of a tornado effect where I have left destruction in my path. Heavy stuff! but how I have felt nonetheless.

Now 1 full year later. I have cried and sobbed and tortured myself with the pain and consequences of my choices and choices made against me. I have lost people I have loved. I have hurt people. I have been judged and been the judge. I have laughed and found segments of peace as I have pieced my life back together. I have found an inner determination to keep moving forward even if its at a snails pace. I have renamed my little, ok not so little family, the Fab 5. I have had to start being a full time parent and the only provider. I have worked myself twice now into the hospital. I have found a new level of relationship with my 2 oldest daughters and bigger challenges with my youngest 2. I will continue to find my legs and backbone and learn a little thing that I have lacked in my life called "consistency" and I will press forward.

A year of firsts.

First trip to Mexico as an adult....first time taking the girls on a big trip like that!....first time taking myself away for a weekend away just me my kleenex box and a hotel room....first time driving an RV....first RV road trip with me and the girls....first time driving to the Oregon Coast....first time living in a townhouse...first time living alone with just the girls....first Thanksgiving without my girls with me....first Christmas as a single mom....so many firsts...some harder than others...some amazing!

A new year

I cautiously view this new year with a lot of hopes....but being hurt the way I have I have to say that I am still guarded! I have hope that my Fab 5 group will continue to strengthen and grow together. I have hope for each of my girls no different then I ever have. I have ideas and plans for my business to help take it to the next level and ensure it to be successful and have me working smarter not harder and be able to support me and the girls without the 6-7 days a week that I have done this past year. As I step into taking a larger roll at the restaurant and when I take over for the 3 months that my parents are going away this year I really hope to have a good plan in play!

This year my oldest graduates high school!! crazy!!
This year my 2nd daughter finishes elementary school... crazy!!!
This year I plan on driving the RV to California!
This year I plan on working smarter not harder!
This year I plan on continuing to stand in who I am!

This year I will make great memories with the girls and be the best me I can be. Sounds cliche but it's believing in Hope and without Hope the heart gets sick!

So I face 2012 with Hope!

Merry Christmas 2011

2011-12-24T20:03:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a while for several reasons

lack of time
lap top was broken...still broken just replaced cord as repair would have cost more then what I paid for the laptop and I asked Santa..aka daddy... for a new one! not holding my breath but will wait for a killer deal before I buy a new one that my girls will be kept far far away from!!
did I mention lack of time?
Christmas is my playoffs at the bakery and I go into overdrive...which is a setting higher than my usual high speed drive!
sickness...been a weird couple of weeks with me fighting some weird flu/food poisoning thing then I ended up in the ER in such unbelievable pain the other night and it ended up that I have a ruptured cyst and so my abdomen cavity is full of blood and fluid... I look pregnant!! it's brutal painful and now have to go into the ER for IV antibiotics for a week...good times!!

so...it's been crazy!

the girls have gone to stay for 1 weekend and 1 week at their dads this past month...needless to say while I enjoyed having a clean house for the time they were gone going from chaos to complete silence was unnerving and there are other emotions and crap that brought up for me but I won't blog about it here...it was hard to say the least.

so many firsts this year.... too many

now Christmas is looming just a few short hours away and I am trying to put on a brave face as my tummy aches and my hand hurts from the shunt that I keep banging and hurt while doing oodles of laundry and tiding up since the girls are home the mess is trying to take over!

It's hard to believe a year has gone by.

I look forward to 2012 and as I continue to go down this journey I am on and discovering more about what I want..what my goals are...what my core values are...what I want for my girls and I... I know challenges will continue to present itself and I will face each one with a little whining and complaining :) and yet a determination that sometimes takes a while to get going to conquer it all and make the best life that I can for my Fab 5.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and leave you with my little twist on the classic story
"Twas the Night Before Christmas"

twas the night before Christmas and all thru the house not a creature was stirring ..not even a mouse...FAITH NOT THE CHINA,,crash boom bang...the stockings were hung by the chimney with care... GIRLS STOP FIGHTING RIGHT NOW....In hopes the St Nicholas soon would be there...FOR THE HUNDRETH TIME YOU CANNOT OPEN THE PRESENTS TONIGHT NOW STOP ASKING....the children were nestled all snug in their bed...s...SNORT SNORT YEAH RIGHT!!!.....while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads...MORE LIKE IN THEIR MOUTHS AS THEY ATE ALL MY CHOCOLATES....and momma in her kerchief, and I in my cap had nestled down for a long winters nap....THERE SOMEONE IN MY BED??? SAY WHAT??!!!....When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter....I SAID GIRLS STOP FIGHTING.....I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter....MORE LIKE YELLED AND THEN ROLLED BACK OVER....and to the window I flew like a flash...SNORT SNORT YOU SEEN THIS GIRL RUN??!! ....tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.... OK GIRLS FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THATS GOOD STOP FIGHTING... I give up santa comes in the morning yadda yadda yadda

Merry Christmas

Momma's on Strike

2011-11-30T15:06:00.001-08:00

Certain behaviours at my house have been escalating for quite some time.... some worse than others! I have been a very relaxed momma with my girls their entire existence... I have never been over paranoid or over protective...well in some cases I have been... but basically I would say that I am pretty chill! I didn't get upset at too many things and then due to certain other circumstances going on I became even MORE lax then I already naturally am.

By nature I am peace keeper... a lover and not a hater... I HATE confrontation and am what many refer to as a "pushover".

I don't think push over and momma is a great combo! this is MY experience and totally MY opinion based on MY experience.

My girls have learned that if they cry....scream and fuss long enough I give in. Not good.

My girls have learned that if they are mean to me...and sometimes they are quite mean verbally... I fold in and cave...kind of like going into the fetal position with my thumb in my mouth while I rock myself :) great mental picture there eh?! I shut down basically. Not good.

My girls have learned that I don't usually follow through with a punishment as I either forget or they have done the above 2 other things and I have folded caved and shut down. Not good.

These behaviours my girls have learned are based on MY issues!! yah I can admit I have issues :) but I am learning and progressing and wanting to be the best person and momma that I ever could be.

So here I am with a 17, almost 13, 11 1/2, and 9 1/2 year old daughters who's learned behaviours have to change and as I have started, over the past year of being a full time single full time working momma, to put my foot down and find my backbone, they have pushed back.

I am exhausted :)

With finding my backbone and other circumstances this year my girls have fought back ... some more than others... and while my first instinct is to fold cave and shut down I am forcing myself to stay standing...not always easy...not always successful... but I am aware and I am trying. I have great support from my friends and family, a little cheering section in the finding my backbone process you could say.

Now as I say all this I want to make it clear that I have amazing girls. They are not "bad" girls...they are not scathed and damaged beyond repair :) they just don't listen to me :) ... and again some less than others.

Last Friday I had had an enough moment...I am having these more and more which is a great sign that the backbone is getting more comfortable. My make-up and hairbrush had been taken out of my bathroom without my permission and "lost" for several days....my boots taken...ALL of my white camisoles taken...dishes left in my room... and WAY WAY WAY too many "no" "I dunno" "not me" .. I felt like I was living in the Sunday comic Family Circus for a bit ... along with some mean statements about me being the worse mother in the world (cuz making your children get to school on time is worse than anything don't you know). I lost it.. I screamed "I QUIT"... I heard a few "oh mother don't be so dramatic"....and one very timid "what does that even mean?" comments and I decided right there and then that I was quitting ...going on strike... for the weekend. I emphatically told the girls I didn't care if they went to school or not, whether they wore clean clothes or brushed their hair or had a lunch or not, I didn't care if they failed their test that day, I didn't care if they ate out of dirty dishes or if the house was a mes... I just didn't care. Emergency services would still be provided but I would not be a taxi driver, lunch/dinner maker, laundress, housekeeper, personal assistant for the rest of the weekend. I was OFF duty.

I had NO idea how that would play out! I finished getting ready for the morning and went and sat down and waited for the princesses to be ready for me to take them to school...school driving is an essential service :) ... all of a sudden the girls got quiet... one even put her face right into mine and stroked my hair and said "momma I soooooo love you"... I didn't respond too much although I wanted to fold right there and then... the rest of the weekend went ok but there were definitely a lot of "what do you mean your on strike?!" moments! I just tried my best cuz really...how does a momma go on strike really? being a momma changes your DNA... you breath and live BEING a momma.. it's not something you think about it it's something you just are. I LOVE being a momma.. I love my girls with my whole heart and I know that with the counselling we are going through and the support of my family and friends we are going to make it through all this better then ever.

So was going on strike successful?... I think it was for me as it was another step in finding and keeping my backbone and letting the girls know I mean business... by Sunday afternoon I just have to report that my house was literally one of the biggest messes it had EVER been...so there is a bit of a cost but before we headed out to a family Christmas Party Monday night I made them all clean and help me put it back together and at the same time put up all our Christmas decorations....and that is another blog post in itself :)

Falling Together

2011-11-22T08:55:00.001-08:00

I have had a few pretty brutal "anonymous" comments... I know where they are coming from..or I should say WHO they are coming from... I was going to at first defend myself...then I was going to "expose" myself... and I have sat on it for a while...talked to a few people that I trust including my counselor and I have decided to just let it go. I do not believe that either confronting it..more than this is!..or exposing my past in an attempt to stop what I can call nothing less than extortion...will stop those that chose to throw stones.. the simple fact is that anyone who wants to throw stones at me....will!!! no matter what I do or say.

So I chose to move on as I have been this past year...forward and onward I go, no looking back just forward.

This past month has been wonderful and terribly chaotic all at once! isn't that life though?! :)

I am learning with some assistance to stop my mind from jumping to the negative first and to stop and take the time to look at the big picture. It's amazing to me how quickly the negative thoughts come! I am choosing to change this and instead of looking at things as falling "apart" they are really in truth.... falling "together"!!! There are growing pains in growth!

I am entering my busiest Season of the year at work and while that is daunting and can be extremely overwhelming there is a certain calmness that has entered my heart and that feels SO amazing. Christmas is my favorite time of year. Time for reflection and spending quality time with friends family and loved ones. I am looking forward to the down time after the crazy work schedule and just being with my loved ones.

Surrounding yourself with love is the only way to live.

So there have been some new developments with the girls and when I actually find a moment I will blog about that... raising 4 girls on my own is definitely challenging to say the least but with the assistance I am receiving I am confident that we are well on our way to a peaceful and happy love filled life.

the good the bad the ugly

2011-11-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

I don't have to say that this has been the hardest year of our lives....that's a given...to say that we haven't as a family of 5...the fab 5....had to face challenges face on and deal with would be so far from obvious. We have had the hardest time I could dream of for my children....for myself. Not what I dreamt of so many years ago.

We pressed on.

We grew.

We started healing.

I know we still have so many areas that are still in need of healing and some areas that are healed and I have to say even better than ever. That's what happens when you let light in! it transforms and changes and takes away the ugly and replaces it with something so much more beautiful...if you allow it of course.

This process has brought up areas that I know I have left untouched for a lack of a better term as I have been in survival mode than I care to admit. I now am dealing with them....it's harsh and it's brutal hard and yet I know that I HAVE to deal with them. They cannot be ignored any longer. Tough love is not something that comes naturally to me... I am learning. Behaviours that were tolerated cannot be tolerated any longer and again...this is hard for me...but I am pressing on...growing...healing...and so are my girls.

I am finding my backbone! I like it and yet I admit it scares me at the same time as it is so new for me. but I press on..

Along the way of finding myself and letting go and growing and all that this year has been for me.... I have found some unbelievable joy moments...I am learning to trust... I am learning who I am and liking it.. I am learning my worth and value and when I was least expecting it I found some reinforcement in those enforcements.... it's pretty amazing and daunting and yadda yadda yadda... you get the picture.

So I still face some difficult times as I finish...with help!... the last of the mess that was created... I am learning tough love and repairing behaviours that are long over due being dealt with...I also am facing joy, amazing new memories, a whole new strength, confidence...just to name a few.....the phrase beauty for ashes seems to be alive in my life.

worry dragons

2011-10-13T23:18:00.000-07:00

Today I had a meeting with the school counselor... I really like him and find him extremely easy to talk to and I am thrilled my girls have someone so amazing to talk too at their disposal! I know that my 11 year old looks away when he walks into the classroom..assuming he is there for her! he thinks its kind of funny and accepts her and all her glory for who she is. A complicated, funny, intelligent, beautiful, amazing, high spirited....anxious little girl (who is trying way too hard to be a LOT older than she is!). I would say she fits the description of the "middle" child in all it's stereotypical typecast perfectly.

Parenting her has been a challenge from the get go. There is nothing too easy going about this child. Her determination and strength is pretty hard to bend when focused on something. She will go far in life with that kind of character....focused in the right directions of course! focused in the wrong directions scares me! that is a huge constant prayer I have and goal to help her avoid!

Anxiety in children is hard to recognize I think. Having butterflies while considered normal in a lot of cases simply gets pushed under the "oh well that's just silly" category and the child is usually told to suck it up and move on... oh maybe that is my experience?...not saying that that exact thing happened to me but it is my observation. You cannot tell my child to simply "suck it up" there is no way to belittle the fact of what she is feeling is anything but extremely real. The hard part is how she expresses her anxiety that is the tricky part for me. I usually react to it as it comes out very aggressive in her and pretty much right in my face, never convenient, and quite emotional. It's not an easy thing for me to deal with. But I am trying. I will never stop trying.

I am not writing this post to expose my child in any way.... I feel its a not so talked about topic...at least from what I have read....and if anything I have to say helps anyone then perfect and if anyone has any advice for me...positive encouraging helpful advice! ... then that is wonderful!

The counselor today listened to me talk about what has been happening at home....bedtime is a HUGE struggle right now...it has been for 10 months..heck it has been pretty much forever. I happen to have 3 of the MOST can't.go.to.bed.or.I.might.miss.something. girls I have ever met! They were terrible nappers...all 3 of them! my oldest napped right up to kindergarten and went to bed at 8pm until she was like 14!! my youngest 3..not so much! and the last 10 months have been no exception. The sleeping in my room all piled on top of me is gradually getting better! with the exception of 1.... my little anxious one... she has literally camped outside my bedroom door when I finally grow weary and lock it on her... space is something I don't get much of and I treasure it..plus I sleep better and I LOVE sleep!...even now as I type this out at almost 11pm I can hear things moving upstairs....a CD is playing which is ok...and my anxious one is sleeping on my floor in my room....she wouldn't go upstairs..just ignores me and insists on being here. When she lets her guard down she will admit that it is due to a fear that something bad is going to happen to me and so she has to watch out for me. My heart breaks knowing her fears. Worry dragons the counselor calls them.

I try to walk her through taking authority over her fears and her being the boss of her and not her worry dragons.... it's a long process for someone who struggles with the anxiety.

Her counselor gave me a few ideas today regarding bedtime...so I took the girls out to dinner...at a GREAT restaurant I know :) ... and we talked about bedtime and coming to an agreement about bedtime and what the consequences will be if they do not listen... I am going to post the times on the fridge and there will be no more arguments about the bedtimes as we have all agreed about it and so there is nothing further to discuss. Including them in the process and decision making he felt was important as so much has happened that has been out of their control this year. While they are children and not in control there are aspects that I agree with him about making their home safe and secure so they can continue to develop as normally and healthy as possible. Tonight was kind of bust and I blame it on my tummy...for some reason lately whenever I eat my tummy hurts..like can't move too much hurt.. it's owey...anyways.... I will be consistent with this...I know that's key as well and totally an area I lack in!

He is also going to talk to her teacher about the amount of special projects or homework she gets. She just simply won't do it...or not all of it... and it's a battle I just won't fight. When she gets home she "checks out" as I say...she goes into I am home mode and I don't even want to THINK about school until 5 min before I have to walk out the door tomorrow morning! she comes by this naturally... and the homework assignment issues sets her up on an anxiety cycle that is just so unnecessary...so glad her counselor agrees with me!

We go through pretty much the same battle with going to soccer...she LOVES soccer, she excels at soccer and yet I have to drag her pretty much to every practice and game...she is a ball of nerves but once she gets there she is so happy to be there and has a great time. It is a lesson in patience that I don't really feel I ever needed to learn! I happen to have great patience! :)

It's all training her to look beyond what she is feeling at the moment and think past it. It's a hard lesson when worry dragons are very real and in the moment and impossible to ignore. It's hard to deal with when that is something you never dealt with yourself...well not until all this anyways :) Being a mom I think we just worry! it's just what we do! but it doesn't consume or stop me in my tracks the way that anxiety does with her.

So it will all take patience understanding and building the team that surrounds her to give her the tools she needs to overcome the worry dragons! Love that saying that it takes a village to raise a child... I couldn't agree more!

my baby

2011-10-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

My very last miracle baby is named very appropriately... Faith! She was the last pregnancy after years of miscarriages and my other 3 miracles, Morgan, Emily and Hailey. I fought very hard to have my babies and Faith was no exception. I was in and out of the hospital more times with her pregnancy then the others combined...and that's a lot! I didn't have easy pregnancies in any way shape or form. To say by the time she was born I was emotionally exhausted and physically drained is an understatement. Today I am happy to say that I finally lost the weight that I had gained with my last baby. I gained a LOT with her.... and that is NO exaggeration! Weight gain was the last of the Dr's worry with that pregnancy..just keeping her alive and inside as long as possible was all they were concerned with. It was a LONG draining 8.5 months. Needless to say when she was finally born, alive AND healthy.... I couldn't have been more thrilled!

I couldn't imagine my life without this completion of our family.

Faith was an easy baby! like so easy! the other girls had all had colic but not my little Faith. She was content to sit in her swing and watch the constant chaos pass her by...as the youngest of 4 girls and the youngest 3 only 3 years apart from the 2nd to 4th... I have to say there was a LOT of chaos. She was easily entertained and loved her sisters from the get-go. I loved just sitting with her and letting the house fall apart come what may cuz I held my very last miracle baby in my arms...safe and sound!

As Faith grew we didn't mind that she didn't crawl....she just liked to sit and chat with her very own little language that we thought was completely adorable. By a year she was still not crawling and not really attempting to walk at all either...I had told my family Dr but he didn't seem to concerned as she was the baby and lots of big sisters to get her her every whim, never mind a doting momma! She finally started "crawling" at just over a year....she had this funny little scoot she did by pushing herself with her right leg and left arm....she actually did it for so long that she ended up over developing the muscles in her right leg and left arm that was easily physically visible. She had specialist appointments, xrays and ultrasounds to determine if her bones were growing unevenly as well. Turns out she was just doing the over development of certain muscles while the rest were not as well used. Not to worry the Dr's said...she would out grow it. When she finally started walking she had a noticeable wobbly gait to her walk....it made for a clumsy very tall for her age baby. Well actually she was not a baby at this point... she didn't start walking until she was 17 months old!

Her little language she had was so cute and adorable and for the most part I understood her.... her dad not so much but her sisters and I could pretty much figure out what she was wanting/saying. For instance she called movies "moomoos" and Morgan was "mornin" and yogurt was "lodirt"... I had to have her show me what she meant when she asked me for lodirt to figure out that one! but I always figured her out. To add to her own language she also spoke quite low and monotone. Again with a now full time stay at home momma of 4 girls and running to the school 3 times a day as I had 2 years back to back half day kindergarten (em and hailey are 15 months apart and 1 year apart in school) ... I was busy and didn't think there was really any problem. I babied my baby.

Speed forward to moving to Prince George and Faith attending pre-school... I noticed she didn't really play WITH the other kids but watched them and played on her own....the other kids didn't really understand her. Her speech was definitely not something I could totally ignore anymore but thought well she will outgrow it.

In Kindergarten her teacher was literally appalled at me for not having her hearing checked as she was pretty sure that was the issue and told me .... the other kids cannot understand her and that isolates her.... ouch.

We moved before she started grade 1 back down to the Coast and her teacher noticed that she indeed had some learning challenges and was surprised when I told her yes she has had her hearing checked twice! and she does not have a hearing problem. Her academic skills were lacking, her communication hard to figure and she was developing some pretty amazing coping skills. There were definitely other things at factor with her and couldn't simply be ignored. Now add to the fact that my husband had a chronic disease....my plate was a little full.

Her school had her see the Speech Pathologist and she began testing on my baby. She quickly discovered and labeled Faith with Audio Processing Disorder.. it was a little surreal considering all the other things I felt I was carrying at the time but it was good to have some answers for my precious baby. We also had finally gotten her tonsils and adenoids out which we were all sure were contributing to her speech and chronic sickness/infections. Then we moved schools...again :( ... and she has somehow fallen through most of the cracks in a flawed system and a momma who has gone from crisis to crisis.... to say I feel and have felt guilt to not being the proactive momma to my babies needs is obvious.

Today Faith is in grade 4... it's a big year.. a big jump from the primary into the intermediate and she struggles. She struggles with learning, with processing information, with grasping simple concepts that most of us take for granted. She has had Learning Assistance from time to time but her amazing ... literally the human brain is astounding with how it learns to adapt... coping skills pulls her up with "normal" range so she gets dropped and just as quickly falls back into recognizable needing more LA time. Her coping skills are starting to be a hindrance in that it is really hard to tell what she pretends to know and what she does. She knows she is not where she should be. She knows she learns different but what she does know we don't really know yet! confusing!! There is a great probability that she also has a form of dyslexia... it runs quite strong in my family and is common with the APD. The fact that she is missing some concepts such as time....she literally has no grasp on what time is in any sense... is a clue that her brain processes differently, that there are learning challenges present.

I have talked to her teacher recently and we are hoping to finish having her diagnosis to help aid her learn what she needs to learn to be successful in life. To give her teachers clues and understanding in how Faith learns and how to help her be the best HER she can be.

It's a long process and as I have been overwhelmed with the chaos and crisis I have to keep reminding myself that she has a Heavenly Father that loves her even more than I do and He is keeping her in His hands. I have to trust that He is guiding me and her teachers and we will get her the best help and understanding we can.

Happy Birthday Momma

2011-10-06T17:19:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if you are all aware of this or not but I simply have THE BEST MOMMA in the whole wide world! I love my momma!

We have always been really close....I am the youngest of 4 girls and so I got alone time with my mom while the rest of the girls were off at school. I have so many memories of just the 2 of us that I know the others didn't get to experience. We went shopping, got groceries! I sometimes was able to talk to her into buying me a Sesame Street Magazine! ( I am sure there was a lot of begging and whining involved and not so much talking!! ) We would go to the little coffee shop, I remember it being dark and smokey, and we would order a sausage roll and a little bottle of pear nectar in the Lynn Valley Mall. We would go to Auntie Audrey's for her to get her hair cut...mine too from time to time... and I would get all set up at a little table in her kitchen and have a little mini tea cup with tea and cookies...ok why are most of my memories tied to food?!?! :) My other favorite place to go was the Bay cafeteria at the Capilano Mall... I would get jello! again with the food! but it was just the 2 of us and I loved every minute of it...... oh I also remember going to the fabric store with her... I LOVED the fabric store..hiding under bolts of fabric and playing in the kids corner with the broken dirty toys! We went everywhere together.

I loved to "help" her cook. I loved to "help" her sew. I loved to put on her clothes and jewellery and makeup! even though me and my sister wrecked her wedding dress playing dress up :(

I love her laugh. I love the way she sighs after she laughs. I love the way she loves and cries with me and makes me FEEL so unconditionally loved. I realize what a treasure this is. She is a treasure. She is a gift to me and taught me so very much. She listened and let me pour out feelings to the degree that it kept me from doing a lot of bad things as a teenager cuz I knew I would just tell on myself! I did that a lot! so her tactics worked!! I am hoping to have instilled the same thing in my 4 girls.

She was there when I gave birth to all 4 of my daughters and besides their dad was the first person to whisper love into their ears and souls... I LOVE that!

Her influence in my life is endless. Her influence in my daughters lives is endless. Her influence in pretty much every one she comes in contact with... is endless.

She is an amazing woman, mother, sister, daughter, wife, grandmother, great-grandmother and friend.

I am blessed to call her momma and friend!

Love you momma.... Happy Birthday!!

that girl

2011-09-25T00:52:00.000-07:00

me now....at 37 years old

me then...at 17 years old

I loved this little girl... we had a real close connection and I often wonder what ever happened to her.

Last weekend as I sat in Sizzler down in the States I was thinking and mentally patting myself on the back for what a BIG girl I was to be down there ... all by myself.... eating meals by myself...shopping by myself... staying in the hotel by myself... and I thought how much more comfortable I was this time compared to when I went down to Seattle in June for the weekend by myself. I was definitely a lot more self conscious. Then I went to Whistler for a night/day all by myself...and then later in Aug I drove the 26' 1977 GMC motorhome down to the Oregon Coast for a week with 3 of my girls plus 1 of their friends... all pretty big things...specially the driving/handling the RV part! ... for this 37 year old girl trying to find her self/way. I really cannot refer to myself as a lady...it just seems to age me! and I don't want to do that!!

So back to Sizzler....there I was thinking of how much I have done this summer, how much I have grown in confidence in doing things on my own, how much more comfortable I am becoming in my own skin and then it dawns on me... the realization of really HOW lost I had become!

At the very tender age of 17 I travelled...by MYSELF.. to Kenya Africa. ( I did my DTS with YYAM) It took me 3 days in real time to get there....long flights...longer stay overs in airports waiting for my connecting flights...not much sleep...and I was 17! I had just graduated from high school just less than 2 months previous... I left in Aug.. I had turned 17 in June...this is younger than my 17 year old daughter is at this moment.... she will be 18 in March... I look at her and can't help but think.. WHAT WERE MY PARENTS THINKING??!! ... haha actually they didn't have much of a choice. I was determined.,,and I wonder where my 11 year old gets it from??...oh viey.. I wouldn't take no for an answer. I worked at Kmart during my final year of high school, opted out of the drama trip to New York City...still on my list of things to do!... and saved saved saved. I knew I was going. Like KNEW.

When I think of that girl, that determination, bravery and confidence I am in awe. That was me. I was capable of doing such a thing. Then why is this summer such a big deal?...my little stepping out this summer really seems so mundane compared to what I did when I was 17. A few months after I got bac,k a whole 30 pounds lighter then when I left, I went on another trip this time not alone but with a group. We went to Ireland for 3 weeks. I was adventurous. I was brave. I loved to travel..that part has never changed but responsibility and children have kept me home.

The part that I love about this rediscovery I am doing is that I know I am still that girl. That girl who was so brave and even held a rock python snake around her neck..who swam in shark infested waters (didn't after I saw tiger sharks swimming right close to shore and I KNOW they were tiger sharks they were that close). That girl that rode a camal. That girl who lived in close quarters with women from around the globe and adapted to the climate, mostly, who walked over snakes and had cockroaches fly in places they shouldn't be...who did 2 hours of work duties every day and hated it but made it fun as much as she could. That girl who walked for hours in a strange city with strangers and people she had just met and ate strange food and went from trying to scoop the sugar out of the bowl without any of the sugar ants getting on her spoon to just stirring them in and waiting for them to float to the top of the tea so she could scoop them out to just stirring them in and drinking it without a second thought. That girl who ate an octopus straight from the ocean to the frying pan with more chili peppers then she knew and had sweat coming out of every pore of her body.... THAT girl...is still me.

I can't wait for new adventures cuz the grown up I am has learned so much more, although my body definitely does NOT feel 17 anymore, still has the same determination bravery and confidence inside of me....it's time for the 37 year old and the 17 year old to meet!

I still am that girl!

stuck on my babies

2011-09-20T23:44:00.000-07:00

I started a post tonight and I am not sure why but it`s just not flowing. Usually when I have the urge to purge :) I have no troubles letting my thoughts and feelings flow to the keyboard...but tonight I got stuck time and time again. I don`t know if it`s just due to it being a vulnerable thing or it is just way too personal and I am a little hesitant to post it for the world...or all of my 28 followers :) or my facebook page and whoever else reads the little ramblings I so erratically post!! I really don`t have a clue! I do know that my question mark key is not working and that is sort of irking me right about now! oh well....

ugh ....I am stuck again...

I wanted to post about the walking out the change in reality with a house full of estrogen and NO testosterone to help bring balance to us crazy emotional gals! but like I said it was just NOT flowing... interesting! It is harder to walk out change in reality then it is when you are tucked away giving yourself the desperately needed self alone time! much harder.

I am pretty sure that some changes that I am wanting to implement at home are going to be faced with opposition...change usually is! I did propose to the girls as I took them out to Boston Pizza last night, our go to place when we cheat on the family restaurant, that we attend a church not too far away from here on Saturday nights as Sunday mornings are full of soccer...it`s in full bloom and I am happy to report that both girls teams won on Sunday!... and since they are on 2 different teams it really does mean Sunday = soccer...and then add to that that I work most Sunday nights and going to church isn`t really going to happen...not reality...so to make going a reality I thought we could go Sat nights...I TOTALLY thought this would be met with tons of whining and complaining from all 4 of them...and not 1 did..they are all for it... I was a little surprised, pleasantly surprised and glad. So that is the plan... still a planner and I love it when a plan comes together, this is where you picture me rubbing my hands together throwing my head back and letting out a crazy laugh...or not :) It was pretty cute at dinner last night actually, they were all talking over top of each other, which is not really unusual at all when I stop to think about it, vying for my attention to tell me all about their weekend without me. They all emphatically exclaimed they DO NOT like me going away....but they were so glad for me that I was able to do so and that I had a great time. It was a real sweet time together..our server commented to me , wow, those are ALL your girls....I would put a question mark but it`s still not working!!... and then she followed it by...they all really love you, you can tell. I beamed. They do love me and I love them right back and then some.

I might get stuck sometimes, things might not flow the way I intend, I may stutter and be lost for the right word or action...sometimes the keys might not work :) ...I will struggle with some of the changes and I will screw up from time to time... and yet I know that I am surrounded by 4 amazing girls...who also can drive me up the wall in an instant :) ..... I love my babies and I know that I know they love me as well.

I am a blessed momma. *** ok this is having a hard time publishing is it a full moon? oh NOW the question mark works!!! ***

change

2011-09-18T20:41:00.000-07:00

This weekend was long overdue and yet the timing was perfect in other ways. I was so ready for change...ready for my questions ... mainly "how did this happen?" and "how is this my life?" to be answered. I was done going round and round and round. It was time to get off the crazy train!! This is a sensitive subject and this blog is in no way meant to defame or slander anyone! I do not wish to humiliate or point fingers....this is just my journey...one simple woman...well ok I am ANYTHING but simple :) !!!

I was ready to hear and see the answers I was so very desperate to have. I am so happy to say....I got them! I will not share too much of my revelations and discoveries as it is highly personal and not something you would even understand unless you were me or someone who has walked very closely to me all my life. If you do know me and are curious about where I went and are at the point that you are willing to invest a weekend and of course some expense into yourself then please email me and I would be happy to explain more and give you the information.

What I can share openly is that I had lost my identity. You don't have to go through a crisis for this to happen! I actually believe that most mothers lose their identity at one point or another... we become nurses, bum wipers, puke cleaners, maids, wet nurses, more bum wiping, snot wiping, referee...and so on!! there is a time when we lose ourselves and give all of ourselves to our wee little ones...that is natural and what I also believe is supposed to happen. Once the kids are more independent I believe mothers start to be able to find themselves again and can give themselves a little more attention..that is until the next baby comes along :) It's what we were created to do. Put our babies and little ones first.

So while this happened with me something also very traumatic happened to me when I was 19 years old that changed the course of my life. I have blogged about it somewhat on here and again it's pretty personal so I don't divulge too much. It's enough to say that I had severe trauma. Severe. I used to be this confident girl...well maybe a little over confident :) but confidence was not my problem.. I totally had other issues but I knew who I was... I had a plan... nothing could really detour me off that plan. I was a planner. When this trauma happened it opened doors for all sorts of chaos in my belief system and changed who I thought I knew myself to be. Basically I changed. I lived with fear. Constant fear that if I made the wrong move or the wrong decision something really bad would happen to me. I really figuratively haven't stopped running since. I am exhausted. My body is exhausted. My soul mind and spirit are exhausted. Once I could see the shift... where the root of it came from... understood the un-godly belief that one wrong move would bring disaster, that I had become so afraid to make a mistake that I lost trust in everyone around me, in God and in myself. I mean WHOA people ..... this is big stuff for me... I get that some of you might think nothing of this...for me this belief system that had me running in total fear directed me down a path and paths that I never would have gone. All that being said it's not like my life since then has been a total disaster!!! not saying that at all... but I have suffered much loss and pain and experienced much grief and sadness...most of it from the same root. It's pretty amazing for me to know I am free of that now!

This is just one example of many that I saw and am free from now. It is going to still take some work to change my thinking habits and to confess truth over me instead of the lies about myself that I believed. It's an amazing feeling. Over the weekend the couple that ministered to me could see me physically relaxing to the point where the last couple of sessions all I could do was yawn! I even slept 2 nights in a row with no sleeping pill and had deep sleeps!! that hasn't happened in MONTHS!! a not so little miracle for me!

So the work continues... and I know going back to my busy life the traps for me to fall into the same patterns will be there...but I feel empowered.. I AM empowered and I see what I need to see for right now and I am confident that I am a confident woman who is so much more than what I have been living!

Change is a real good thing!

Happy Birthday BIG sis :)

2011-09-16T08:36:00.000-07:00

Today is my much much older sister Shash...birthday :)

She loves to bug me! as kids she would hide and scare me cuz she thought it was soooooo funny to hear me scream...and scream I did! followed by getting the hiccups!

people say we have the same smile.... we also have the same love for large sunglasses! and getting our pictures taken! this can be attributed by our dad who pretty much had a camera attached to his hand our entire childhood!

Shannon and I grew up the best of friends... well at least I figured we were best friends as I remember wanting to be in her presence ALL the time... I mean ALL the time! being the youngest in a very large crazy family I had to be where the action was all the time... Shannon preferred some solitude and liked hiding away..my parents would find her sleeping under her crib with her string of "gullies..aka soothers" very often. When we were little I just wanted to be as cool as she was...she has always been cool...it just honestly comes naturally. She was naturally confident as well, I always envied that. She could walk in a room and just be there...where I was feeling nervous and shy...ok maybe shy isn't the right word :) but definitely self-conscious. She has always had the ability to smile with her eyes...before the term smizing was ever coined by Tyra Banks, Shannon was doing it. I don't think I have ever met anyone who's eyes smile as quick as hers do...before it even reaches her mouth her eyes are smiling at you. It's pretty amazing.

We had a lot of adventures together as kids, always outside - helping each other find the best "leaf" cuz neither wanted to actually go home to use the bathroom :) , sneaking watching cartoons together Saturday morning..pointing out the squeaky spots to each other as we crept down the stairs.....ganging up on our babysitters to get them to let us stay up extra late then helping each other creep to bed as fast as our knees could take us under the windows so mom and dad wouldn't see us bolting to bed....the fact that we popped up in the middle of the window to see if they were still outside and it was indeed them and not one of our teenage sisters didn't cross our minds as not such a bright idea..we were always caught but both being strong-willed it didn't stop us from trying it again and again :) We were baking partners...making our unique versions of ketchup/mustard cookies and well whatever we could come up with. She is a great cook to this day but I might smell her cookies before eating them :) We were usually always at the church, at least it felt that way to us, one time when our mom was in a Bible Study and Shannon and I were left to our own vises in a great big empty church we decided to explore a new exciting territory...the underside of the pews in the sanctuary....there we found a childs dream.... well our dream at any rate.... piles and piles of gum!! it didn't matter to us that it was ABC gum... we figured we hit the jackpot...we lied on our backs and began picking the said gum off the pews...pulling ourselves up pew by pew on our backs picking and chewing...we couldn't believe the gold mine we had just found. When our mother came out of the meeting she quickly exlaimed where we had gotten all the gum from ... our mother was a health nut and sugar was a huge no no... we told her our good fortune of finding all the gum stuck underneath the pews and when we saw her jaw drop, Shannon and I being the partners in crime we were, simply looked at each other shrugged our shoulders and said together "it's ok mom we prayed over it first"... we literally had!!

Teenagers was a hard time for us as sisters.... not sure how it is for other sisters as I can only relate to our experience but this is when our yin and yang didn't compliment as well as it did when we were little. She liked her privacy and I liked to know whatever it is she was trying to keep private. Being the youngest a closed door is not a good thing and only now as a single mom do I GET the love of a closed door and some alone time :).. back then ... not so much! She was so super cool and it just seemed that everything came so easy for her... this was my perspective, I know now it wasn't. We still had fun together hanging upside down on the zip line our dad built for us and swimming in our green frog filled pool...we both rode horses...snuck over to our neighbors in the wee hours of the night together...read comic books in the barn for HOURS together. It's not that we were not still close...but our different personalities just became ..... more vast.

Over the years and age came wisdom and thankfully growing up. Our dreams of marrying the good ole boys and living on a farm with Daisy for a friend were over and we were living our big grown up lives. Her moving to Ontario was really hard for me. It felt like we were finally truly friends again after the teenage angst wore off and now she was moving across the Country. That is still hard. Our kids are close in age and growing up apart...something I never dreamt would happen.

We still are very much yin and yang...quite different personalities and we don't always see eye to eye....and both being vocal we know when that is :) In so many ways I still look up to her and I know she feels protective of me... our roles as big and little sister are cemented into who we are. We fight, we laugh, we bug, we tease, we laugh again, we cry, we love, we live forever as sisters! I wouldn't change a thing!

Happy Birthday shasher shash shash... I love you!!

the place we are in

2011-09-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

Me and the girls are in a place... a situation where I never dreamed we would be. We are all dealing with this situation in our own unique way...as we are unique and clearly individuals...we cannot help but deal with all this so differently. I find this such a challenge...the daily and I mean 24/7 - 9 months straight kind of challenge. There are hundreds of books written on these kinds of situations and yet I find there is none that are a complete "guide" to what the 5 of us are going thru.

How we all as humans, deal with pain and hurt and just daily life is so unique. Some of us are quiet thinkers, some are huge exploders, some get aggressive, some get introspective....some get it all! There is no right or wrong in how one FEELS pain... at least I don't think so. I think and believe there is a right and wrong in how we express our pain to others....or at least to the ones that we love...we are responsible for our actions and re-actions and how we communicate ourselves to others. Knowing this and living it out are 2 different things :) I am still learning! always learning.

How I have been dealing with what has happened is unique to me. How each of my girls have been dealing with what has happened is unique to them. I know that those closest to me have been watching, praying and supporting us all in their own unique ways and I have to say that I am so thankful for my support system...it's been truly amazing. I know that it has been hard for those that love and care for us to watch the pain and hurt we have been experiencing...and watching how we each are "dealing" with that pain. It hasn't been easy. This has been a diet plan I don't recommend.

I was out for dinner last night with my life long best friend and we were talking about how others want to help and yet don't know how and she suggested I try to blog about all this... so this is my attempt! :) In my experience....the best thing that anyone who is watching and seeing how we are coping can say to me is simply " Lise...how can I help?" .... my answer might be just pray, or how about taking one of my girls out for a "coffee" not really a coffee but you get the idea!! Stating the obvious doesn't really help! I am very aware of how we are all dealing with things and this situation and that some are not doing as well as others! I live it.. I know it! it is a very big reality that this situation SUCKS! I need support...a non-judgemental support. So why am I blogging this??? well to help anyone out there who is going thru or knows someone going thru the same thing! maybe you don't know what to say...sometimes just admitting that is good enough! I feel judged, I really am my worst judge!! ... I feel like a failure and a loser and so many other things... I just need people to come stand beside me...love me...love my girls....and walk with us...there will be better times..there might be worse moments before it gets better... I SO hope not but this is something I haven't been in before so I really have NO idea what this looks like for us.

Life is not fair...who can measure what is fair and not fair? we all have struggles and there are many people who are going thru what I would consider a far far worse situation than what we are going thru. There are always things to be thankful for. There is always something to be positive about and always a reason to get up in the morning and keep going. There are those that are able to stand with you and those that can't for whatever their reasons are. Blood is thicker than water and family tightens and grows closer in hard times. When times are tough you either can hold on tighter to your faith or throw it all to the wind...the decision is yours and only you can make it for yourself. No one can make it for you. These are all things that I am learning... and when I say learning I mean learning...learning means learning! In no way do I profess to be an expert on anything or have THE answers or have figured it all out... I am just a human...walking in my shoes trying my best to do what is right for me and my girls...those that want to are welcome to walk beside me... choice is an amazing thing.

( I have been working crazy hours and am tired beyond belief...so forgive me if that post didn't make perfect sense!! just where I am at!! )

summer wrap up

2011-08-27T00:26:00.000-07:00

This summer has literally flown by! I seriously can hardly believe that in just over a week the girls return to school...the crazy morning routine resumes..Lord help me!...soccer starts....and my oldest starts her LAST year of high school!! LAST people....yikes! I think I blinked and here I am! I had wanted to do a post on reviewing this last year of school so I could remember it for the girls...and I don't remember it! it might have to do with a teeny bit of a stressful year! it seems a lot has been shoved out of my brain this year.

So I will reflect on this summer instead!

The girls and I ... considering everything... have had a great summer! we glamped :) we fished...we went for picnics, we went to the water slides 2x...we are going to go to the PNE and bike around the seawall.. I still have a week left and being optimistic that I can make it happen! we went to countless movies...stayed up WAY too late...went for walks, went to the beach...watched them pier jump.... it was a great great summer. I think we did more things together this summer than we have in a very long time.

We still are having our challenges as we adapt to being the fab 5...lots of pushing, resisting, and growing has happened... a lot more will happen I am sure... the crazy thing with parenting is you are never really "done" :) We are learning... and I say that mildly at times....to treat each other with respect and care....to voice our feelings in a respectful way, some are faster learners than others! but we will get there.. of this I am confident. I had lots of heart to hearts with the girls. Lots of screaming and crying matches as well....at times I was sure that in their opinion if I googled my name it would come up with "worlds WORST mother EVER!" .... but I mostly took that that somehow in this crazy life I am doing my job! more or less... I am still learning as well. There really is no rule book that comes with this life...well besides the greatest Book ever written! and I know there are several books written on what we are going thru to varied degrees...but there is no manual written specifically for me and my personality and my very different from each other 4 daughters, well I guess you could say we are writing it as we go.

Heading into this school year I have the same hopes and dreams that I have for my girls every year...that they will be the best THEM they can be. That they will be true to themselves, respectful to others and treat others the way they themselves wish to be treated. I wish for them to get teachers that understand them and help them to grow in knowledge. I wish for them friends that encourage and add to their amazing personalities. I wish for them peace within themselves that life is a roller coaster but if we stay together and love and support each other we will get through it... together.

I hope my oldest gets all her credits and can get thru this year with as much ease as possible! that she can get her L!! another driver in the house would be soooo fantastic! that she will find her place in this world. I wish for my 2nd daughter as she starts and finishes her last year of elementary school, a year full of amazing memories and achievements..that she will look back at this year as a great fun year....ready for her new journey in high school next year. I wish for my 3rd daughter great consistent friends that understand her and compliment her. I wish for her to not struggle this year with organizational issues and anxiety and achieve all she can achieve with spunk and pizazz that is so her! I wish for my youngest daughter answers on the learning challenges that we know she has. I wish for growth for her in her basic learning that she needs to learn as she moves up in her education. I wish for great teachers that can teach her.

I hope wish and pray that this year will bring us peace and joy...friends and memories of the fab 5 bonding and learning and growing. I hope pray and wish that we learn to forgive ourselves forgive others and walk in an attitude of grace...grace for ourselves and grace for others.... that we encourage each other through our challenges and cheer each other on during our achievements and support each other through our weaknesses.

a picture is worth.......

2011-08-15T00:37:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago I decided to get photos taken...professionally.... of me and the girls... the fab 5! I booked a long time family friend that has started her own photography company and I have been so impressed by the pictures that I have seen of hers... mostly they are real... just real people captured and that is what I wanted.. I wanted us captured as us.. thinking of where I wanted us captured I knew it instantly was Crescent Beach.. I spent a lot of my pre-teen and early teen years wondering this beach... being dragged by mom with my sis Shash both of us not happy till we got there...don't ask me why I chaulk it up to hormones :) these days it is really important to surround me with things and images that make me happy...call it my new mantra in life.... but I just knew this was something I really wanted to do, that it would make me happy!

The day finally came and I have to say that as per usual it was a bit of a struggle to get the girls ready! that is putting it mildly... I say go the girls say no no no... kind of a regular battle field here but its gradually getting better...but that is another post for another day. I finally got everyone ready... in the clothes that I wanted...that was the majority of the battle... my girls have very strong wills! I have NO idea where they get from :) haha... so we headed down to the beach... Tania showed up ready and willing even though the time of day wasn't ideal...with Morgan's schedule it was getting a little hard to find the right time.... but Tania is a trooper and was ready to shoot my "gaggle of girls" ... she also has a blog and she blogged 2 parts about our little photo shoot....

She made it so easy for us! The girls were cooperating really well although they were trying to strike some America's Next Top Model poses! we even ran into another long time family friend ... I met both ladies at youth camp back in 1990...sorry to age you beauties!! It was a lot of fun... at the end faith had had enough...demanding to go to the bathroom..not one more shot before she got to go..and if you know the beach at all it's not like there are oodles of bathrooms scattered about... so we/girls had to bribe her endlessly to just finish the shoot... I felt so bad for Tania pretty sure she was going to have to sort through a lot of photos with a grumpy faced little girl! but she didn't get annoyed and had a positive spin to put on it all... it was very gracious!

Needless to say that I highly recommend red handed photography! Tania is professional calm and effortless.. and I have to say that I am thrilled to pieces how the pictures turned out...grumpy 9 year old and all! here are a few of the pics...and guess what everyone is getting for Christmas :)

a little more than I bargained for

2011-08-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

We spent Friday at Cannon Beach again....the 3 older girls went exploring so faith and I went for lunch together and did a little shopping...we had great one on one time together and with a family of 4 daughters that doesn't happen as much as we would all like it to. The girls came back raving about how much fun they had...they climbed a huge rock saw lots of crabs, starfish, sea urchins....they said it was the high light of their trip....so we headed back to camp....and were not expecting what we found! another RV in our spot...we had left our chairs and towel rack and stuff in our camp site...it was all gone and the shock I felt to see someone set up was strange....like real surreal... so I quickly went to the office asked what the H was going on...they looked up in their system and said well you were checked out today..... I was like WHAT?! big mistake here I was booked till Saturday...they said nope and we are completely full....like totally full and there is nothing we can do.... I could hardly believe it... it was after 7pm I was tired from the week and had no where to go and for the first time in the entire little adventure I felt extremely vulnerable. Not knowing the town not knowing really where to go or what to do... I was completely unnerved. There were 3 major things happening in the surrounding area as well so there were NO available sites left..not on a Friday night on the Oregon Coast!! the KOA did try to call 1 place but got an answering machine... I can't believe with ALL their green space and parking space they didn't offer to let us stay the night unplugged!! but nope they just said we are sorry we don't know how this happened but there is nothing we can do!!

I unraveled a bit... I cried.... I had 4 girls with me and no where to go... ugh... one of the KOA volunteers felt badly for me and told me I could go dry camp at his Catholic Church... he was very kind....they brought me my things that they had cleaned up to let the other people on to the site....and sent me on my way...dusk was coming and so I called my dad...cried some more.... and headed North...

I found a little sketchy RV place on the side of the Hwy just not too far from Long Beach.....the office was closed but no sooner did I crawl out of the RV did the owner of the park pull in behind me...I explained our predicament and he made a spot for me so I could stay the night! I was soooooo relieved! he was very kind...the girls were totally scared at this point...my crying probably didn't help them at all! but I had totally calmed down and was back in the drivers seat of control! I made hot dogs and grilled cheese sandwiches on the last dregs of propane I had left and we settled in for the night.. I slept in the fold down bed by the door and let the girls sleep in the back as they were a little too scared for our normal sleeping arrangements. The owner came back round and told us about the meteor shower that was going to happen that night so we set the alarm to wake up to watch it.... which went off at 2:45am and NO one heard it but me... I even shook the girls and they snored and rolled over! I looked out the window but it was too cloudy to see anything so I quickly went back to sleep... with a metal bar in my ribs.. ( I think they are actually bruised as I could barely sleep last night cuz they are so sore...that or my age is showing ! ) .... I woke up at 10! crazy late and we slowly got packed up...and headed into Long beach...

These girls loved to stay up WAY late which meant they slept WAY in and had a hard time getting going in the morning.... so it was noon by the time we got on the hwy looking for a place for breakfast!

Long beach is amazing and I definitely would like to go back and spend some more time there.... we got out and did the Go-Carts...something I haven't done in years and years and it was the girls first time...Faith hated it! she cried I am scared the whole time and the attendant had to pull her in early! oh well speed is not for everyone! :) Hailey on the other hand was a natural speed master and passed pretty much everybody with total confidence and ease... Emily and her friend drove cautiously but with huge smiles on their faces! I definitely drove like a mom!! haha cautious on the corners but gradually got faster and faster! It was so much fun.

Then I continued on North....totally unaware that North on the 103 is a dead end! so we had a nice almost 2 hour diversion of seeing the coast line and then turning around and heading back so I could connect on the 101! oops! this put us arriving way later at the outlet strip malls and the girls were not so happy that our sightseeing was cutting into precious shopping time!

We arrived at the outlet with 1 hour to spare...they didn't end up finding anything but I got a couple of great dresses! Then we headed over to wallmart to pick something up for my mom and then finally at 10:45pm we headed home... I drank the biggest iced coffee McDonalds has....and was wide awake for the last stretch home... we arrived home at midnight...unpacked as much of the RV as we could and called it a night...at 1:30 am... and I hardly slept a wink I had so much caffeine in my system and honestly my body doth protest the hours of driving and week of RV living! :)

All in all it was a completely fantastic week... I had great times with the girls.. a little alone time here and there, some time to actually think about things I needed to think about.... some great purchases....and a huge confidence boost that I can do things I never dreamed I could do...even when things don't go to plan and were a little more than I bargained for... I pulled it off! :) the girls are asking if we are going to go again next year...and in kid language that says a lot!

(pics to come soon)

Cannon Beach

2011-08-11T22:50:00.000-07:00

Today we went on a little adventure into Cannon Beach... I was initially told that it was a 2 hour drive from where we are staying but it is only about 45 min. As soon as we drove into the town we knew it was totally different from Seaside.... a lot and we knew we would like this town.

I parked in the RV parking...love that they have designated RV parking! so sweet!! and we started exploring the town....great little gallery's ... little dress shops and all of it felt so quaint and we couldn't help but feel like we were in a great little sea-side town....I bought some art which I LOVE I couldn't help but stare at it and can't wait to see it hanging on my walls at home! totally inspiring art and very feminine! I love love love it.. I will have to take pics of it and post when I get home... I forgot my camera to computer cord at home.

Then we had some lunch at which Faith exclaimed over and over that it was the BEST burger she EVER had...Em exclaimed it was the best BLT she ever had.....Foo said uh oh momma you got some competition....she doesn't really get that the difference between our restaurant at home and Cannon Beach Oregon is far enough for me to not be worried :) I had a chicken taco salad and was a little surprised when they put a ceramic Mexican hat in front of me! a little LARGE and yah well I wasn't prepared for it! it was kind of funny...but it was tasty especially the stuffed deep fried pepper!! it was delicious!

We got changed into our swim suits and braved the incredible wind and the girls were off chasing waves and seagulls...they had a total blast in the waves and said they were knocking them right off their feet they were so powerful. It was a little chilly with the wind but they had such a great time that they asked if we could go back tomorrow....so that is exactly what we are going to do! hang out at the beach..no lap top..no cell phone (it's actually been off the whole time cept for once a day I check for messages ...this was a request from the girls that I be more present with them and not constantly on my phone) ... no nothing but me the girls and my book...which is actually not a good book and tomorrow I have to go buy myself another book cuz I finished the other one that I brought with me! I am hoping to find the book "the help" I have heard it's great and I can't wait to read it before the movie comes out.

Overall this is a great holiday... a few fighting moments between the girls...to be expected... a few talking back moments from the girls to me....kind of brutal at times but much better than what it has been lately... and a few moments of me totally wishing I had some adult company to converse with....but it's been great and I am sooooo happy that we did this! it's a great week full of memories! pics will be posted when I get home!

Glamping in my Retro Beauty

2011-08-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

I kind of thought I was a pro with the RV on my way down here well now I KNOW I am !! haha after going down narrow streets, turning this bad girl around in tight spaces, and unpluging and pluging it in... I am officially comfortable with the RV! It isn't always easy to find parking spaces but I do....and I even backed into them!! I am that good lol!

Yesterday was a total crash day... I was wiped! like zombie kind of wiped! the last couple of weeks I have been going pretty steady and then top it off with the reunion like I mentioned last post and then the drive and I was bushwacked!

We slept in this morning until 11am!! yup even me! well I woke up earlier for a bit but then went back to sleep.....it was pretty awesome!

This afternoon we unpluged Retro Beauty and headed into Seaside Oregon.... I have never been here and had no idea what to expect......wasn't really expecting what we found! the beach was amazing...the sand was sooooooo soft and glittered like it had diamonds in it... we walked out and kept commenting like it was like Mexico sand almost and then we touched the water and wowsers was it cold!! brrrr cold!! some crazy people were out playing in the waves but most people were standing along the shore. I don't think I have ever seen SO many volleyball nets in my life! We wish we had had a volleyball with us to play....next time!

The little street itself...or the main drag down to the beach was interesting....strange little stores most of which smelled really really badly....and about 4 candy shops! 4!!! we had never seen 4 candy shops in such a small area before! then there was the carousel...with an actual carousel he middle of a little building with small stall like shops around it...kind of strange...felt a bit hokey...ok it felt a LOT hokey and we noticed the prices were quite expensive...even without the sales tax! we also stumbled upon 2 bumper car places....inside stores...again strange but ok ...and a tilt-a-whirl...inside a building...so we were like mmmmmm quaint little seaside town with a lot of candy stores and then amusement rides inside stores.....ok! so that was our impression of Seaside... a little different but we had fun exploring and saying no to the insistant sales lady who really really wanted me to come to the 1 hour resort presentation... I said no so many times it was a little nuts!!

We found a little outlet mall...did a little shopping....got some great deals for the girls for back to school....had a burger......did a little more shopping....got some more groceries....and I found our way back to our RV park where I backed Retro Beauty into place with ease!

This is a great holiday and we are having so much fun glamping!

a little adventure

2011-08-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

This summer I have decided to make the most of the little time that I seem to have these days... I have taken my kids ...well which ones were available since their social lives are extremely busy!.... camping a few times. I learned how to operate and drive my parents 1977 GMC motorhome!! who knew?! I am learning ALL sorts of things about myself and stretching myself these days :) Knowing what is coming work wise this fall and soccer soccer and more soccer I realized that this week was pretty much the only week that would be available for me to take the kids on a trip trip.. like a week holiday... I can't tell you how little actual vacation time me and the kids have had...it's sad and it's changed now!

So pretty much last minute I packed the girls up....minus the oldest as she couldn't get out of her work schedule...at 17 I think family vacation time is pretty much going to be a rarity and definitely something worth fighting for!.... and plus 1 extra... Em has a friend along.... and after my 20th High School Reunion!! good LORD I cannot believe it's been 20 years!! it was so much fun after my nerves settled down and seeing so many people I haven't seen in 20 years! wow!! have to say most haven't changed that much! ...........I stopped in Birch Bay and visited another friend I haven't seen in like.....10 years or so! had a great catch up session Ocean side :) and then drove off heading South on the I5.

The original plan was to stay somewhere in South Washington and then head into Oregon this morning some time but being the new spontaneous person I am....that or the fact that by the time I started looking for a place to stay all I could find was open spots highway side and grungy scary little towns that reminded the girls of some of the stupid scary movies they watched and I figured it wouldn't be much of a rest! and I MAY have gone down a narrow windy road looking for a campground that was posted on the hwy that must be a gazillion years old cuz I couldn't find it...that and I really don't have a clue how far 2 miles is :)

oops just spilled coffee on my laptop :( dang

so needless to say I am a pro at turning the RV around on dark narrow windy roads!! a real PRO!!! After our little heading into" the hills have eyes" movie set I decided to just keep going and head to the KOA we were booked for ...for Monday! hoping they would still be open, even though I called my dad and he said they wouldn't be!...if they weren't we were just going to... I had NO idea what we were actually going to do!! I just knew that's where I wanted to be! a little determination goes a long way!

We arrived at the KOA...cannot believe I found it and sad to missed the Ocean view driving on the Oregon Coast! at 10:55 pm.... the office was STILL open!! it closes at 11pm! I just made it! they had a spot for me after all and I once again swung the 26' beauty wagon into place! hooked it all up with the help of my efficient 12 year old....and we settled in for the night. Well I settled in, the girls slept a lot on the way down and so they were wide awake for awhile playing cards and drawing pictures...needless to say it's 10:40 am I am sitting in the Internet cafe at the KOA and the girls are all still sleeping in the RV! It's a perfect morning :)

Even though I am "camping" which my sister Shash taught me is actually "glamping" in our world...glamorous camping!... cuz I am a princess even though I got my fishing licence and have taken the girls fishing and am now a PRO at untangling lines and putting hooks on their lines :) I still will not touch the worms though :) ... I like "glamping" in RV resort type places with showers and pools and activities for the kids!! this place is amazing! free all you can eat pancakes which we might not get a chance to enjoy with the girls sleeping habits (it's from 7-9am only) and the indoor pool, playground...outdoor nightly movies...games...and right across the street from a state park! they also have bike rentals so I will be renting bikes and we will go for a little ride.

One day this week I am going to unplug "retro beauty" (I have to name that RV!) and head further down the Oregon coast and explore with the girls.

Never in a million years did I think one day I would be driving an RV by myself however many miles away from home I am!!! a little adventure does wonder for the soul :)

keeping it a little more private

2011-08-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

I have decided to keep the on-line journal I have been doing on this blog a lot more private..... Part of my discovery is that I am open... which isn't a bad thing but I think I am TOO open :) I am learning... I am in process... I have discovered it's life long :) but I will keep going day by day and when I have to minute by minute.... for those of you that are going thru the same thing as me or know me and would like to follow my self-discovery please email me. I will be deleting the posts about my separation. This blog was created over 6 years ago for entirely different purposes and as my life changed and then flipped upside down my blog morphed as well. I don't want to delete this blog as there are so many things on here I don't want to lose.

a new obsession

2011-06-25T15:53:00.000-07:00

I have a new obsession!! shoes!! well I can't say it's new but lately I have been allowing myself to divulge!! today I bought a pair of cute black cork sandles. Nothing says sexy like some new cute shoes!! at least to me :) My new favorite designer is Betsey Johnson.... you have to check out her shoes!!! those are the shoes that tempted me so much in Seattle. I love her clothes too and am planning on checking out a store in Vancouver cuz I just might have to buy one of her dresses for my cousins upcoming wedding.

When I feel down.... and I have... I put on a really cute pair of shoes.. I know it doesn't change anything and it doesn't solve my issues...but it does make me feel better even if just for a while and I have to say that I don't think that's a bad thing. I think in the midst of trials finding things that make you feel better, even if for awhile, is a good distraction. Now I am not saying go nuts and spend all your money on what makes you FEEL better! I get that it's not a solution... I didn't buy the shoes cuz they are over $200 US and I have never spent that much money on a pair of shoes especially when the logical side of me says I can get 4 pairs of great shoes for the price of 1 pair :) I am thrifty like that :) I wait and look for good deals... like the one I found today. It is just nice to buy something special for myself once in a while.....maybe in the end making myself feel better and spoiling myself more often is really my new obsession?!

growing up

2011-06-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

I am at the point inside of me where I am starting to feel like a grown up! I think/hope that I am starting to act like one 2. I have such a different perspective now. I have such a different and more clear grasp on things/events/people in my life. I feel like I am gaining control. I feel like I see a path in front of me and it's never been so clear.

Getting to the bottom of myself was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

Now I can grow. Now I am growing.

Now I feel like I can start repairing the damage/hurt that was done to my girls. I feel like I am heading in the right direction. I am excited about it. I am also aware of the amount of hard work needed to do the repairs needed. My girls have been in their own survival mode and it's time to start anchoring them. I need to keep learning and setting boundaries and teach them the same. I know it's not going to be easy and they are already pushing me where I am drawing lines in the sand..but I know it's best for them...its the right thing to do.

Going to counseling and now taking the girls is one of my wisest decisions!!! it is going SO well and while each session costs money I know we are at the point where we cannot afford to NOT go! its so worth it. If you are looking for a good place in my area email me and I will recommend where I am going! Getting something to help me sleep at night was also wise....sleep deprivation just messes with your head and is NOT healthy!

There are other things that I am doing that are total steps forward..steps of faith and trust and rebuilding but this time it's on a fresh and healthy foundation! so I believe all these things are ingredients for hope and a great life!

Just another reminder to pop over to my friends site and support her daughter to raise money for her trip to New York this summer....this family has been thru SOOOOOO much and yet are full of love and grace and give so much of themselves even in the worst imaginable circumstances they are in.... really inspiring family!

putting it all into perspective

2011-06-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

I think one of the biggest things we struggle with in life ... or at least I do! ... is a sense of what is fair and not fair. The saying that life is not fair...well...what is fair? who says what is fair or not fair? We all have crap...we all have issues... one of the things I said to my counselor was " I just don't want to be broken anymore " .... he said to me "Lise, everyone is broken! there is not one of us out there that is not broken in one area or another" ... oh yah another reality check! I am not alone, broken, in this world. As I think about my friends and family around me I can see that everyone has struggles and challenges in their lives. What is fair?

Tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of my best friends oldest daughter being diagnosed with Leukemia ... I remember having just arrived in Hawaii when we got the confirmation. The unfairness of it was overwhelming. Not that long before another of my childhoods friend husband died of a very rare form of cancer... it all just seemed a little surreal.

Geli is an amazing girl who's strength is beautiful, her confidence is beautiful and she IS beautiful. Her mother and my dear friend, is amazing! She who has hurt so much..... cuz really I can thinking of nothing worse than to have your child so very sick... has given so much of herself to me in my times of struggle. They are all selfless and giving and full of unconditional love. Their inner strength, resolve and faith has been such a testimony.

Geli has designed some t-shirts and is selling them to raise money for an upcoming trip she is going on to New York City...you can read their blog for more info.... I can't wait to get mine!! the saying on the t-shirt is "confidence is beautiful" and how right that is!

So in a time of my biggest life struggles when I think of what my close friends have been going thru.. and now another family of member of mine has been diagnosed with cancer.. it kind of just puts all sorts of issues into perspective!!

darts and feathers

2011-06-13T07:36:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning.. after a very rough night of tossing and turning and from having cried myself to sleep yet again... not saying this for sympathy, it is just is what it is. I woke up wondering why, over the years/last 6 months, I held on to the negative things that were said instead of the positive? This is what I saw in my head

Negative words, comments, name calling are like darts... they are quick precise and go in deep to it's target... once you have had practice throwing darts.... you don't usually miss. They make you bleed and the ones thrown the hardest...well sometimes they are hard to pull out, they really stick in. We all throw them.....we all receive them...

Positive words, words of affirmation, praise, encouragement, words of love and thoughtfulness..... they are like feathers...they are soft, feel good to the touch, gentle and non threatening in any way.. We give them to each other, we receive them from others....

In my life.... I have been thrown darts and handed feathers... I have thrown darts and given feathers.... I see here at the bottom of me...that even though the darts hurt..like BAD...I held on to them... I focused all my energy on the darts and the pain they caused... I think in some instances I even held on to ones and didn't allow the wound the dart had created to heal. That action caused me to not feel the feathers, not see that they were amazing and some were big and beautiful and ones were unique and rare and I had longed to be given such an amazing feather. The pain out-sensed the love.

Going forward I wonder how possible it is to be mindful in the midst of a situation where darts are being thrown....to gather the feathers and as corny as this may sound but build a pillow out of the feathers and choose to lay your head on it...let that be what supports you, what holds you up, what comforts you.... instead of holding the darts in and allowing everyone to see the pain you were caused....SIDE NOTE....sharing your pain with others is not a bad thing please don't think I am saying don't share...just use wisdom in sharing and WHY you are sharing!.... I am also not saying stand there and take the darts!!! there comes a time when repeated behaviors/dart throwing have to stop, I am not saying just ignore the pain either... I am just wondering out loud...if there is a more graceful way to live? To be able to see the whole picture clearly to be able to walk in this life holding on to the feathers and not the darts. To be able to see whether you are about to throw a dart when you could be handing a feather.

focus.. now I see you now I don't

2011-06-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but when I watch kids run a race like I did today ( I spent the day at my kids school district track & field )... I cry.. I try really hard not too...but I do...I cry..... every time! it doesn't even have to be my own kids and in fact today it wasn't my own kids running but I cried.. I found the tears right there and it makes me all sort of emotional.

My kids did compete in shot-put and discus... my 12 year old came in first in both... like WAY first in both.. she has unbelievable upper body strength and even out shot all but 1 of the grade 7 BOYS as well... yup she actually broke a record today but then fouled the shot by walking out the wrong end of the circle.. I didn't know it was so technical but yes you have to walk out of the bottom of the circle NOT the top and she was so excited about how good her throw was that she lost her focus and stepped out the top of the circle...tough lesson to learn but I don't think she will miss it next year, (she actually would have broken the largest school districts record with that shot)!!. She is in grade 6.. just in case you lost track of the grades my crazy amount of offspring are in :) ... my 11 year old (3rd daughter) is probably the most well rounded athlete... by that I mean she doesn't just have upper body strength.. she is an amazing soccer player and actually was voted most inspirational player by her team mates after her FIRST soccer season and played the stressful position of goalie... she is a natural defensive player... and has amazing natural abilities and her size doesn't hurt.. it's no secret.. ALL my girls are tall...well with the exception of my oldest.. although she is taller than me so that makes her tall!!! I had to buy my Em more running shoes yesterday and was SHOCKED when she measured a size 10 1/2.. I had to buy her size 11 running shoes.. not sure if you ever noticed but here in Canada at least the West end that I live in... that is the BIGGEST size shoe you can buy in a regular store....did I mention she is only 12... 12 people.. so I measured my 9 year old feet as well...I just did this just over a month ago and she was a size 8... she is now a size 9..yup ladies size 9 and she has only turned 9 less than a month ago!!! anyways bunny trailed there.. my 11 year old has been fighting tonsillitis this weekend and probably should have stayed home today but being the competitive TEAM player she is she was determined to go today... she was def not up to par and came in 8th in shot put.....9th in discus...on a good day she would have come in 2nd to Emily no doubt about it... like I said she has the most natural all rounded athletic ability but she really does lack the focus/discipline it takes to make a great athlete... I hope I can teach her this... with the right level of commitment I think this girl will get scholarships... I think Em will actually get them as well but she will get them academically as well as sports wise... she is an all rounded student.. at least I have 1!!! :) my youngest... well I think rugby will be her sport as well as swimming...she doesn't have the coordination still and I think part of the problem is the physical growth rate compared to natural development... she is a tall girl for her few 9 years of age. It's like her body is growing faster than her brain... at this point she is quite clumsy.

But I love that they try out.... they show up... even when they are sick... they might shed a tear when they don't do as well as they thought they would...but they focus on the task at hand and give'er... I LOVE that about them. Today the girls had so much focus...even my sickie....I think I can learn a thing or 2 about that... thing is I think I taught them that in the first place... just somewhere along the way I lost it... and sitting here at the bottom of myself... I think it's just about time to find it again.

a big Birthday

2011-05-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

Today my dad turns 65! seems so hard to believe! I love my dad. He has been an incredible father. Considering that my dad had no father growing up, he had no example or role model, he did an amazing job.

Born just outside Edmonton Alberta my dad lost his dad when he was only 2 years old. His father had complications due to scarlet fever and left his mom alone with himself and his 6 year old brother. My grandma was the MOST amazing lady ever! not even 5 feet tall this little lover of all people who had to literally pray their groceries in would make donuts for the neighborhood....my dad says the kids would smell them cooking and line up the sidewalk... they lived in a teeny tiny house with an outhouse in circumstances below todays standard of poor. She never complained. She just loved and served.

My dad was a BUSY little boy... I am sure if they diagnosed kids with ADD or ADHD in that era he would have been a prime candidate based on the stories he has told me. He was a bit of a trouble maker and well known as the "tough" kid in the school... not many were willing to take him on. He was a great hockey player...cuz he is Canadian EH! :) .... and weeks upon weeks of playing outdoor hockey then thru the Edmonton leagues he was actually scouted to be drafted into the NHL but turned it down to pursue a career in Architecture... he pulled his grades up, said goodbye to the ladies.. and made his way thru Tech and became a Design Consultant.

If I could only use 1 word to describe my dad it's "worker", this man who came from nothing, literally, made his way thru school and worked and worked and proved himself and started his own company after he married my mom.... and thru many ups and downs, dips and rises in the economy is where he is today in the business world due to hard work, and faith. He met my mom when he was 25 and fell in love instantly...they MARRIED 8 WEEKS later!! he adopted my moms 2 little girls and loved them as if they were his own. It's safe to say that from the day he married my mom he became their father in the truest sense. He didn't even care if they had more kids, he was content with his new little family. Being the worker that he is my dad was gone a lot putting 150% of himself into his business to be a good provider for his ever growing family..... at one point there was my mom and dad, us 4 girls, 2 cousins, 1 boy -living with us so he could go to the private school we were going to, and 1 foster sister all living in a house with 1 bathroom!! ... while he was gone a lot he made the time he was at home count. He took us for picnics, took us to the park, played with us in the snow..he made the BEST forts ever.... he gave us quality time with what precious time he had. I am sure he was exhausted most of the time and only as adults did we know the extent of the extreme pressures and stresses he was under and as small kids we were entirely unaware.... that is a total gift!

He is a giver. He has given much of his little time to others and ministries around the world. He supports countless missionaries and help relief projects. He gives even when he had nothing to give.

He is selfless.
He is kind.

He is often misunderstood as his brain is constantly going at 150 miles per hour and juggling more thoughts then most of us could handle...his face sometimes expresses something else that he is thinking about not necessarily what you are talking to him about. Not everyone gets this.... I can sometimes be the same way!

He has a HUGE sweet tooth and a LOVE for ice cream and goodies! why do you think he opened a bakery? :)

He is generous...... in my situation right now....if it wasn't for their generosity... I don't know where I would be, not just financially but of his time and energy to help me with things I simply cannot do myself.

He loves. He simply loves. He loves his girls. He loves our mom. He loves his grandbabies. He loves his great-grandbabies. He loves so many. He loves.

and I love my dad.

Happy Birthday daddy

and we're moved!

2011-05-25T21:23:00.000-07:00

I kind of feel like we, me and the girls aka the fab 5, have started a new chapter in our lives....well ok I don't feel I know. The move went well with one hiccup of telus having a "glitch" in my move order... we were without telephone/internet/tv until today. You have never quite seen a company of all women movers quite like us :) we did have help from some men later in the day but us women did all the boxes and all but the really big stuff! We are getting settled pretty quickly I think mostly cuz I purged SO much before the move... and I bought a lot of new furniture which people had to spend hours putting together :) oops :) I have planted plants in my little back yard and plan to string up little white lights and make it cozy.

I have never lived in a townhouse before and I really like it... so far! my neighbors are amazing and thankfully have 2 very busy little boys Foos age and is so patient and giving and caring that I am blown away! it feels like I have known her for a long time. The girls all ride their bikes and play outside SO much more...well with the exception of the previous house having a pool.... and I love that. My kitchen is a tad small and literally hardly any cupboard space but nothing I can't handle! the rest of the house is perfect for us and we are all really happy here.

All in all I have to say that we are physically settled.

Emotionally....... well that is a different story... but I think we are definitely on our way.

The girls are feeling all this... feeling it all in their own unique ways, feeling it the way their brains process things and I am feeling them feeling it :) it's been a challenge to say the least. This kind of pain and process is so extreme and you are so unprepared for the waves of emotions and challenges that come. Now add to that the challenge of pretty much being a full time single mom... a full time working (presently at 6 days a week) full time mom and I usually fall into bed in a coma like state. BUT... we are working at it... talking talking talking...or forcing them to keep talking! and with help from the community we are surrounded by I know we are all going to be just fine...better than fine actually.

Life throws you unexpected events and I am so learning from this. I want to live my life within a state of grace, grace for me and grace for others... I know I will mess up sometimes but I know that I am forgiven and I chose to keep forgiving.

Happy 9th Birthday FooFoo

2011-05-10T22:03:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my baby's 9th Birthday! my baby is going to be 9 years old....9!!!! that is so strange!! She is sooooo excited about her birthday she has been talking about it for months...my parents are slightly reminded of what I was like at her age as I did the same thing :) In this crazy time in our lives it's strange that life just keeps keeping ticking by completely unaware of the drama and changes. Foo's birthday is the last birthday for the "birthday season" around here...well mine might be next month but I am contemplating just ignoring it...does that make me stay 36 years old??!!! I think it just might :) My bakery is making her a sushi cake...shhhhh it's a secret so if you see her don't say anything!! her party with her friends is on the 21st and I am having my pastry chefs make her a birthday cake that looks like a box of California rolls....yup they ARE that talented! I can't wait to see it and of course I will post pics.

Out of all my girls my baby girl seems to be having the hardest time putting into words how she is doing...she seems fine some of the time and then whamo a huge explosion of anger and tears and emotions come flooding out. Well actually that could pretty much describe any one of the 5 of us "fab five" at this time. We are going to be going to family counselling regularly after we are settled ( we move pretty quickly ). It is so important to me that the girls learn from this how to support each other, express themselves in healthy and respectful ways and have an outlet ... a safe outlet... to get their feelings out and hopefully makes sense of them, learn from them and never go thru this themselves.

Foo's teacher is a little concerned as she has other issues all compounding the current situation. She has been diagnosed with Central Audio Processing Disorder. She has challenges at school due to the disorder, is aware where she is at and where she should be and therefore has developed amazing coping skills. These skills have helped her so far...now it looks like her coping skills are beginning to hinder her. Now we have to come up with a different approach and help her to learn what she needs to learn and be as successful as she can. To add to this she is a whole head taller then the rest of the kids in her class. She is also a bigger child. Her feet are now a size 9!!! LADIES size 9 and like I said she is turning 9 years old tomorrow. She is also textile in that she has to "feel" a certain way in her clothes. She will not wear jeans...not at all.. I have spent a lot of money and time trying to get jeans that fit her and convince her to wear them...at the store..then they come home and never get worn! she literally does a hibby jibby dance in them and quickly pulls them off deeming them unwearable as she cannot "stretch out" in them. This is a new thing with her as when she was younger she used to wear jeans but with the last couple of years and weight gain she has found liberation in wearing nothing but leggings and t-shirts....not even kidding and I totally wish I was. If she can't "stretch out" in her clothing she will not wear it. I am assuming she has or is starting to have a body image issue. This is a hard sensitive issue and I am working on it with our family Dr. I am enrolling her in swimming lessons...again as soon as we are settled...and then in the fall I want to put her in rugby, a good friend suggested rugby and I trust her judgement.

I am worried about her in grade 4 and the letter grades....she is behind grade level in many areas especially math...another friend's son has been the same way, he just landed an agent and is an incredible actor, she has lots of great insight as her son is in grade 10 and she has been thru what I am going thru. She suggested getting her a tutor in what she is good at!! not what she is bad at...she said just get her thru math but encourage and develop and strengthen her STRENGTHS...not her weaknesses... a totally different view then I have ever heard but I think I like it. While I realize she has to have math to graduate and she needs to learn the basics...why sweat it so much? she is an actress by nature! she can repeat tv episodes and scenes from movies and knows hundreds of song lyrics but has no concept of time or what day of the week it is. It is how she learns, how she processes. I wonder at how her learning and processing is affecting her emotional coping with the big changes going on in our family? I wonder if that is why she seems to be struggling so much....on top of her just even being 9 and that is when ALL my girls started becoming way more emotional....yes having a house full of females IS emotional and loud and crazy and a lot of time it's also amazing and cozy and relaxed :)

With all that is going on and all that comes with it I am worrying about her...worrying about all of them...and their own issues outside our family issues....and worrying how to get them thru life and school and be who they are meant to be. I am looking forward to being settled, to starting fresh and being able to concentrate on getting the best help/support for them that I can.

winning the battle loosing

2011-04-05T23:11:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my adult life...well probably teenage as well! I am finally winning a life long battle.

I was never a "chubby" kid I would say but wasn't a pole by any stretch of the imagination. I was built extremely different then my 3 older sisters.. a fact I have always been aware of. I learned a long time ago that I cannot live with a scale. I do not own a scale nor do I ever plan on owning a scale. I go by how I feel and how my clothes fit. I cannot tell these days what size is comparable to when I really cared and was probably the best shape of my life and didn't know it! doah...hate that! so wish I had appreciated it when I had it! I think that translates in too SO many areas of my life I hate to admit....anyways even when I had a nice little parasite and e-coli from Kenya when I was 17 and skin and bones I still weighed more than all of my sisters! That is pretty much when I gave up the scale!

After I had my first child when I was the tender age of 19 my weight fell off quite quickly in fact I was quite thin and weighed less then I did before I got pregnant...but my jeans were a size bigger cuz my body changed.. then I had a series of miscarriages and that does a LOT to your physical body as well as your emotions. I think the hormones go a little whacko and I ended up carrying a little extra weight with every one. It doesn't help that you are an emotional wreck and what you are putting in your mouth and how little you are doing exercise wise is the last thing on your mind. There were many years where I simply didn't care what I looked like or how much I gained all I could think, do, breath was having another baby.

Then skip ahead 8 years to when I was pregnant with Faith my youngest daughter and I was on bed rest the majority of the pregnancy and gained a TON of weight..like a LOT! my Dr didn't care as it was the least of his worries..my blood sugars were great so there was no worries there. That weight has been on me for a long time...she will be 9 this May..ok freak out moment how the crap did my baby get this age??!! yikes! no matter how hard I try I still can't control time! This weight was like a whole new level of super fat glue... I tried diets, I tried exercising...ok I didn't really try exercising I did join a gym or 2, did go for a couple of weeks straight here and there...I did play soccer and love it,...I just don't really LIKE exercising! like it's not something I do and then say..oh that was wonderful I feel so great now...mostly I hate sweating and I feel like I can't breath and all day I dream about my bed and if the fact that I exercised means I can eat that brownie or not?!?! :) It's not something I get excited about to say the least!

I have pretty much maintained the same size clothing for the past 8 years... I can't really remember too much about the size of my clothing after Em, my 2nd daughter, as my 3rd daughter arrived 15 months later and then I lost another baby (the 3rd and that baby would have been 19 months apart) and then I had my 4th when my 3rd was 25 months old...needless to say I was just lucky to have clean clothes to wear let alone what size they were! To the best of my recollection I was about a size 11/12 with all these babies...there were times I would have to get a 13 and just simply wouldn't buy the 14 but would stretch out the 13 come hell or high water there was NO way I would buy a size 14.

The times I would gain would be times of stress. Given the fact that I was alive had 4 children a husband a home and off and on work... I had stress! It never seemed to matter what I did to be good about being careful of my weight when I was stressed I just gained. I wouldn't eat I would gain and then I would get frustrated and eat and gain some more. This stress that I have been thru in the last 3 months is the first time ever that I have had stress and NOT gained. In fact I was pretty sure that I was going to be huge going thru all this and that stressed me out which added to the stress that I was feeling and all the emotional crap and roller coaster I was going thru.. I thought I was doomed to buy a size 14 at least.

This however like I mentioned has not been the case....this is what has happened.

With all this stress I forced myself to do a cleanse... I try to do one every year they are gross and I don't enjoy them but I do feel they are important to do at least once a year. I lost some weight on that..didn't even do the full 7 days and I felt a difference in my body. (remember i do not have a scale so I have no idea what weight I was but considering this all started New Years Eve and it was right after the most wonderful calorie time of year!!! I was most likely at my heavy point). The weight loss was noticeable to others and it felt good so I was determined to keep it up.. I started being careful about what I ate...now I have to say I have been careful before..lost a few and then gained them back...wasn't really feeling any different about it then I had before just had a little more motivation in that I felt flattened in the self esteem department and desperately needed to feel better about myself. Then I got sick and we all know that sickness= at least a 5 pound weight loss and then about 2 weeks later we gain it back...not this time though! I am more active than normal. I watch WAY WAY less TV then ever. I am usually constantly moving as I am the only parent living full time with the girls and that is just plain busy. I also have a house to get ready to sell...that keeps me moving. Then I started walking a little...not even a lot but it seems to be working. Somewhere in all this I dropped dairy cept for my precious greek yogurt which I eat almost every day and NOT the low fat stuff I think that stuff tastes gross and I love to taste GOOD food! and I eat cheese... I mean hello my family owns a cheese shop it's what I do! but I dropped the rest... then I dropped bread...I hardly eat any bread anymore and we own a bakery now I call that mega will power :) . Then I dropped red meat..mostly! once in a while I NEED our restaurants prime rib..it is SO good..but mostly I eat fish or chicken... I eat a LOT of salads and drink way more water. After going to Mexico where I ate so much and drank like a fi....well lets just say it was an all-inclusive! :) I didn't gain but think I lost some more. Then after getting home I bought an exercise ball and 2 5lb weights... I have been exercising lightly ( I mentioned my distaste for sweat and I like pain even less!) every morning except for the weekends for about 20 min.

I feel great. My skin has cleared up...usually with stress my skin breaks out in really bad eczema..but not this time! I think the combo of dropping dairy red meat and bread have totally helped! also drinking more water I think has helped. I just bought my first size 10 pants ( I literally didn't even look at the price tag I would have paid anything for those size 10's!!) in a long long time! It feels so great! The weight loss is more and more noticeable...the one thing with me is I gain everywhere.. I don't really have a problem area just gain it from my toes to my forehead! I also bought a medium sweater...been years for that as well!

I have had many battles in my life and recently have been in the biggest struggle of my life. I am relieved that for once I am winning the loosing weight battle :)

friends

2011-04-05T00:36:00.000-07:00

Friends are amazing gifts. True friends...like the kind that let you ramble on at 150 miles per hour and hardly come up for air.... the kind that listen...really listen... the kind that speak the truth to you, the honest this may hurt but I have to say it cuz I love you and its the truth..... the kind that love you unconditionally... the kind that make time for you and your problems in the middle of their own trials.....THOSE kind of friends are worth so much more than mere words can describe. I am so glad I have a few of those in my life, tonight I got to spend time with one that has been my friend, my honest true friend for our entire lives....and that is becoming a longer and longer time!! I love her, respect her and admire her! Their family has been thru SO much and yet she makes time for me when I need it. She is inspirational. She is a friend.

Cancun 2011

2011-03-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

What a whirlwind of a trip! that is a LONG distance...1 RV 2 planes 1 bus = 14 hours with 8 people! crazy but you just know that going to Cancun alone is worth the effort!

We left at 6 am sat morning and arrived at the resort after 10pm! we felt the heat right away landing in Cancun and I have to say that the airport smelled like a giant aquarium to me! Our hotel room was beautiful wall to wall marble and had a breathtaking view of the Ocean. The wind was WILD! like really wild and my poor sis Tam had a hard time controlling her hair... or mop as she would call it!

Our first day we just wanted to relax sit in the sun read our books and drink the lovely drinks :) so we did.... and we got SCORCHED! like badly burnt....it didn't seem to matter how strong the lotion or how often I applied it the girls were getting burnt...we even resorted to tacky tourist hats and t-shirts in the water...and they STILL got fried! their poor little noses are all pretty bad.

We went to Chichen Izta which was amazing and hot hot hot...it was hard for Faith she found it dreadful, so did Morgan but she didn't have the melt downs the 8 year old did! the amount of vendors selling their wares there was a tad overwhelming. Even when the tour guide was talking about the history of the Mayan people we had people coming up and tapping us saying "$1.00" "which one" and man are they persistent. The toilet facility at the place brought me back to my trip to Kenya 20 years ago...OMG 20 years ago??!!! crap...anyways there was no running water, no toilet seats, and no flushing that worked...yah made for an interesting challenge for the 8 year old! :) Being in a place with that much history is amazing and is for a lack of a better term mind blowing. Hard to imagine my disgust at the basic toilets when this was built how many years BC and the technology they had!! really amazing.

The next day we rested some more....burnt some more....burnt some new places!

Wednesday we went to Isla Maharis....the boat ride was brutal due to massive waves the tipped the boat to side to side. I couldn't help but think I had somehow made it on to the deadliest catch series! it was wicked rocky...my Em and sis Tam and mom do NOT do that well and we all were sitting in a NON-THROW up zone from them!! Once we finally made it to safe ground puke free!! we rented golf carts and drove around the Island to a water park where the girls and I went snorkeling.....cept for Faith once I saw the waves there as well I knew she would not handle it well...which then SHE didn't handle well and had yet another melt down...I didn't last that long out there as well as salt water was leaking thru the cheap goggles and stinging my eyes and the combo of the boat ride heat and being in the massive waves was proving too much.. I actually don't LOVE water...I don't LOVE being IN the ocean at all...not when I can't touch I kind of panic..the girls didn't believe me till well till I panicked! they had a lot of fun though! then Em and Hailey went zip lining over the ocean...so so cool!! they had a blast...which also ticked off 8 year old again and the melt down continued. It was hard for her to watch her sisters get to do all the fun stuff...the age gap really showed up on the trip. The boat ride back to the main land was actually worse then the ride over in the fact that there were literally bolts from the boat sitting on the seats instead of being screwed tightly into place in the boat which is where you want to see the bolts!! one of the engines broke down so we waited an hour before being able to leave the sun was setting and all I could think of was us stranded at sea...all of which my sister was thinking and she doesn't really do boats or traveling well so yeah it was great!! :) uh hem...then when we finally made our way across the boat couldn't dock properly with only 1 engine and it made for a bit of a nervous time trying to get OFF the boat 2 feet away from the dock with the wild waves dipping it to and fro! but the locals looked relaxed so we figured everything would be A OK! phew we were glad to get OFF that boat!!

The next day we relaxed again and that evening we went to the Hacienda Horse Show....another scary bus ride they are CRAZY drivers!! this was fun and interesting but we couldn't help but feel sorry for the horses..Em was almost in tears.

Our last day we relaxed and did some shopping and went to visit the other time share in my parents package. That place felt more like a resort where ours felt like a hotel stay over the resort experience and next time we go down we will stay there! they also had better food in the buffet with a big salad bar something ours didn't have at all and they knew what a Mojito was so I was won over right there ! I tried desperately to get my dad to have us stay another week :) but know that I will go again maybe with just my sisters or friends! it was great taking the girls but I would not try that on my own in a foreign country. As safe as I always felt as I was constantly watching to make sure they were in eye sight and that was no easy task!

My sis tam and I visited the Coco Bongo Sunday night and man what a trip that was!! we have never seen anything like that EVER! the most entertaining night club. I had no idea such places existed and it was well worth the $55US to get in...drinks were included and as long as you tipped your server your hand was never empty. The dancing and acrobatics were fantastic..the music amazing... you just couldn't dance very well.. Tam and I had to stand on our seat as we were tucked into a back corner and we couldn't see without standing on them...so we had to dance on the spot but again it was totally worth it! so so so much fun!

A great trip overall! despite a few typical fighting's between the girls, a few melt downs from the 8 year old, getting completely burnt, it was a blast and I am SOOOOOOOOOOO thankful to my parents for taking us! the first couple of days emotionally I was a bit stunted and had a hard time catching my breath here and there but by the end of the week I was starting to feel much better....now coming home is a different story and I have a lot of things to contemplate and the house to organize and sell...have to keep grounding myself and pulling anchor....it's a bumpy ride!

being sensitive

2011-02-15T23:02:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged for a while...not that nothing is going on :) just trying to be sensitive to the situation we find ourselves in. Just wanted to update to say that we are keep on moving on. Taking things day by day. Mostly on damage control is pretty much how I would summarize my life right now.
Prayer.. time and more time and prayer is pretty much the order of the day right now.
The girls are all hurting in their own way and some are better than others at expressing it. It is so hard to see your kids struggle at something they are completely innocent in. That is one of the hardest things. Innocent bystanders in a wreck of a situation.
My prayer is that with time and prayer...they will come out unscathed.

the hardest thing

2011-01-25T22:39:00.000-08:00

This really is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life.

I actually don't even know what else to say.

the hair drama

2011-01-09T12:44:00.000-08:00

After much thought and some encouraging emails to leave well enough alone I have decided to NOT remove my blog from popping up on Facebook. Those that are not interested in what I have to say can simply chose to not click on the said pop up and continue reading. Now that I have decided that, I am not going to mention it again...moving on!

I haven't posted for awhile about my hair and it's regrowth so here it is.

c vxSept 11 I shaved it and apart from well wishing comments nothing was said that was rude or astonishing. It was an experience like none other and I highly recommend it :) Like my dear friend says.. it is the most liberating empowering experience in the most insecure way....couldn't say it any better than that.

She just shaved her again yet again as her daughter is losing her hair again. Her strength and love is awe inspiring and I am so inspired by her every day. Geli will win this fight with Leukemia and I am sure that her mothers strength has a lot to do with it and is helping her cope with this dreadful situation.

My hair grew back quite quickly and thick thick thick... I have always had a lot of hair but with all the babies and all that that brings I lost a lot of it. I used to have to get my hair thinned as I would get terrible neck aches from the weight of it. It looks like I am in that position again. I was pleasantly surprised by the very few greys that I have!! yahooo that is something to be happy at at 36 years old :) but I was not happy about how very dark it was. It wasn't even a color I could describe but the color of the water after you have been painting and you have mixed all the colors in there....just a blah color. I didn't like it at all. I struggled with the hair "cut" per say as well as it was so hard to get it to do anything other than look like a giant Q-tip. It just wanted to stick up and lay forward. Because it is/was now "virgin" hair it was even harder to work with as damaging your hair actually makes it easier to style. I couldn't wait for it to be long enough and my scalp (I am allergic to something in shampoo and have constant exima on my head and well all over my body for that matter) to heal. The day finally came and a friend of mine gave me some professional hair color along with mixing instructions and I set off at once to lighten and brighten my hair and be the blond we all know I should be :)

It didn't exactly turn blond. More like a strawberry-blond-border line-orange kind of color....UGH but at least it was lighter but I hated it. So a week or so later I couldn't stand it anymore and went to London Drugs to purchase an ash blond thinking that will keep the orange at bay and make me blond. All it did besides fry my scalp some more was highlight the orange a little. Over all not too big of a difference cept for looking a tad more orange. That was it I declared war on my hair and went back to London Drugs thinking 3 times the charm and bought the only thing I knew had ever worked before...Blondissima....member camp days sitting and doing big chunky streaks in everyones hair?! so fun...anyways... I left it on for the precise time required all while constantly checking on it to make sure blond was showing up... the ENTIRE time my scalp burned like serious BURNAGE. It was aweful. This was on New Years Eve....hours after my life got interrupted and minutes before we were to be at my families restaurant celebrating. My sister Shash was there to supervise. We thought hoped prayed it was working. I finally rinsed my hair all the while knowing that my scalp was paying a high price for my vanity. And what do you know..... I got florescent orange hair! yup you could see me from space I am sure. At least it was dark outside and was going to be dark inside the restaurant. What a way to bring in the New Year! in more ways than 1.

Knowing my stupidity of trying to fix this myself I knew my only resort was to call a professional. I am picky about who I go see which I know is now moronic as I tried to fix it myself so many times! but I ended up running into someone I knew on Sunday who happens to be a hairdresser to happen to have an opening the following afternoon...glory alleluia I was almost saved! She simply put an entire bottle of toner on my head in 2 applications and whala bye bye orange! soooooooooo happy! and

only $25 from salon,
$25 in box color in previous 2 attempts,
$18 for recommended purple shampoo to keep evil orange from reappearing on head,
and who knows how much in stuff to heal my burnt fried scalp
total experience of shaving my head for the most amazing 13 year old EVER...
priceless

5 years of blogging

2011-01-06T20:26:00.001-08:00

5 years and counting

has it really been 5 years since I started this blog? wow where has the time gone???!!

This blog is a record for my girls of my life, my thoughts and my journey. There is nothing written here that one day I don't want them to know about it.

My life, no different from everyone, is full of seasons. My wish with this blog is to record those seasons. The good the bad and the ugly.

Some things have been hard, some have been harder. There have been fun memories and moments captured forever. It has tracked moves and relocation's, birthdays and milestones.

It has been my views and opinions expressed honestly.

Right now we, my family, are going thru a really hard brutal time. I want to sit here and just verbally spew it all out. But I can't. I won't. There are lessons in all this though that I will record. Things I feel are important for my girls to know. When they finally read this and look back over my life I want them to understand me. Like really understand me...the good the bad the ugly. This may include a spat or 2 of what is going on that only those involved will understand. Please know this blog is not for your benefit. You can choose to not read it. Yes it is attached to facebook but it is still your choice to click on it and fully read what I have to say. You may not like what I have to say but it is how I am feeling and that is the purpose of my blog.

Life is full of ups and downs and one day I hope that when my girls are faced with big decisions they will have learned from me and don't repeat my mistakes. That they live their life fully with no regrets and arms wide open.

I hope that one day they too will blog or journal for their children parts of their journey and feel free to share all that is within them.

Emily is 12

2011-01-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

I don't have any pictures of mine on this computer so I cannot download any of my dear sweet baby girl.

Emily is 12!

eee gad I can hardly believe it!

She is amazing, mature, loving, responsible, caring, motherly, beautiful inside and out and soooooooooooooooooo much more.

She is stoic in her strength and she continually surprises me at how full of love and amazing she is.

Happy Birthday Em I truly love you

Christmas Memories #10

2010-12-13T22:10:00.000-08:00

so I have completely decided that I am NOT able to post every day.. it was a nice idea and I did put some serious effort into it but with this being the busiest Season at work I have to admit that I can only do so much! I am on straight now until Christmas Eve then bliss oh joy I get the entire week off until the 31st.. then I just have to go in for half a day to do the cash and payroll then I am off again until the 4th!! YEHAW I can hardly wait! I know that after all this hard work that time off is going to be SWEET!

speaking of work.... one of my Christmas Memories is baking with my mom...or watching her and waiting to lick the spoons and bowl...yes we licked the bowl! My mom made amazing melt in your mouth shortbread...today I made some that were pretty close :) She was always busy in the kitchen growing up from canning to prepping and all that is involved in taking care of a LARGE family!

My mom always let my sister Shash and I "play" in the kitchen. We pretty much had free range and the only condition was that we had to clean every drop up. Ketchup and mustard cookies were not the greatest but we did make some edible items once in awhile! :) I think this freedom created 4 girls who are all not afraid to cook and actually enjoy it. It made us great cooks.

I have allowed my girls to do the same thing. Hailey can actually make pretty decent cookies with no recipe at all..... however I am not as good on the follow through as my mom is and therefore the girls don't clean up after themselves like shash and I did!! I am working on this...case in point it is after 10pm and ALL the girls are still up..not listening...sooooooooo frustrating...and yet I am just ignoring them at this point as"angry yelling mom" is too tired :) ( I just finished a 5 hour cleaning marathon on my house as it is seriously neglected with all my long work hours)

well that's about it...pretty exciting post I know but I am seriously dog tired...and I can't stand my whining anymore!!

Christmas Memories #9

2010-12-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

oops I missed yesterday..I was so hoping to do this every day but life gets in the way some times!

I have been so busy with work, like literally feeling the whole crazy chaos of the Season which is our "playoffs" so to speak.. and now I am down 1 baker...her mother is in a coma and has to leave the country to be with her. I can't imagine going thru that and the fact that it is Christmas makes it even worse! I am so glad my parents are so young yet.

so Christmas Memories #9

well I have to say that I always looked forward to the schools Christmas plays...as exciting as they were :) ... for the first 6 years of my education I was blessed enough to be 1 of the 30ish kids in the church basement school k-12! yup...30ish! for a long time my cousin D and I were the only 2 in our grade, that made awards night pretty competitive to say the least :) and yes there were awards nights for all 30 of us .. ok this is all taking me back. I know and understand why my parents put us in this school and they had the best intentions for us. I also know that it wasn't that bad...besides the teacher that I swear hated me and that if you had a fight with your group of friends you were pretty much on your own as there were not that many kids to choose from! We did have a lot of fun and I have some great memories there and if nothing else I learned great character :)

Our Christmas plays were a total highlight. There has always been a draw to the stage for me. The lights, the costumes, the overcoming of the back stage butterflies. I loved it all. The play I remember the most was the one where we all had to actually audition for parts in. I had to sit with a teacher in a room by myself and sing.... I think I was around 8 or 9.... I got the part I wanted. I felt so proud. I even had a little solo where I am sure my parents thought I sounded like an angel but I probably missed half the notes. I even remember that I had to wear pj's for the play and afterward we all went out for White Spot (this used to be a big family favorite.. until my parents bought their own restaurant) ... and I was so embarrassed to be still wearing my pj's and housecoat in the restaurant.

It's funny the things you remember!

Next week is the little girls Christmas play and I have a special event at work that same evening... so I made arrangements for someone to cover for me so I wouldn't miss the girls play. Foo is a caribou and while I have NO idea what that has to do with Christmas I can't wait to see her BE a caribou! The girls are glad that I made them the priority over work, sometimes, well more than sometimes, they feel 2nd fiddle to work. I would not have missed their Christmas play for anything!!!

Christmas Memories #7 & 8

2010-12-08T20:47:00.000-08:00

ok I totally bailed on yesterdays post... I was in so much pain there was no way I could sit and type! I went to a massage therapist today and I have to say that I LOVED it..what a difference. While I am still sore I have some more mobility and I am hoping grocery shopping didn't screw it all up again this afternoon :(

So where were we????!
I am going to do 2 posts here so that I can catch up!

Christmas Memories #7

I have to say while this could and should be seen as a shameless self promotion plug for my bakery! I don't like to tie my personal blog too much to work! I need to be able to say what I want and feel without worrying about the work/business aspect of everything and working for/with family that is just a messy situation anyways.

That being said one of my favorite Christmas Memories is making a gingerbread house with my sister Shash and my mom...I don't think ANY house lasted untouched until Christmas, there was certainly a lot of pinching off of icing and " oops that candy was loose anyways" going on! (my bakery is selling fresh from scratch gingerbread houses that are AMAZING...just sayin!!) it was great bonding time and a lesson in patience...(this is being repeated at work as some customers cannot wait the few minutes to let the base set...which is VERY key in a successful standing house!) and just general great fun with my mom and sis. All worries, boyfriend troubles :) , sibling bickering seemed to come to a halt while we constructed our master piece. Eager to show off our design and creation to our father who is a design consultant by trade ( there wasn't a bathroom unvisited or critiqued by my sister and I, all in the effort to please our dad by our ability to have an "eye" ) It really is one of the greatest Christmas memories/traditions I have and have continued with my girls.

And yes this year we will be assembling a fresh from scratch wholesome gingerbread house at the bakery :)..... (had to get 1 more plug in there!)

Christmas Memories #8

Youth or Church Christmas Dinner

I remember picking out the MOST fabulous dress one year down in the states at one of our families little mini weekend holiday getaways. It had a white stretchy top and a full black satin skirt..to the floor and then some as God didn't grace me with height :) and it had a thick black satin belt. I felt like a princess in that dress. I loved going to our churches Christmas dinners. It was totally an opportunity to get all dolled up and show off...really that was about all it was about to me from ages 12 on! The whole atmosphere was festive and gay and had such an excitement about it. My sister Shash who is 2 years older than me and for most of my life, my rival! competition is in our nature!! would even help me with my makeup and hair. It was a magical fun evening. I loved singing Christmas carols and loved the joyous anticipation of being appreciated for how well I looked all dressed up... just keeping it real!

Tonight my 16 1/2 year old daughter and our 16 year old Chinese Exchange Student got all dolled up for their youth groups Christmas dinner... it was fun to do Morgan's hair and makeup and my oldest sister Tam was here to cheer us on and help take pictures as she got ready. It totally took me back. Even our student was all excited and put his best clothes on and posed all serious for a photo opp....pics to come as soon as she gets home and I can figure out how to get them on here .. my laptop is not working and I am at her computers mercy!...

Nights like tonight were highlights in my teenage years and I love reliving them with my daughter and in just a few short years the rest of the girls.

Christmas Memories #6

2010-12-06T20:42:00.000-08:00

I have to be honest and say right now I got nothing...not that I don't still have a lot of Christmas Memories that I know you can't wait to read :)

I am just struggling with the pain in my neck and the busyness at work and the brutal fact that this year we don't have a lot for Christmas for our kids. Like really little.

I hate that. I love to spoil them... I love to have the tree surrounded by loads of boxes of presents and while I understand that it is not the "reason for the season"... giving is a big part of it.

I am not sure how my parents did it in the lean years? and I know there were many lean years. Now they have a whole load of grandchildren and a growing number of great grandchildren so it's a good thing they are out of the lean years!

We never knew we had little...well until we were teenagers then it was pretty obvious! but when we were really little we didn't have a clue.

It stresses me out what is going on in our economy right now and the fact that there is not the high paying jobs as before in J's work. I hate to focus on it. I hate the stress. I hate feeling so low about it and yet I am just keeping it real.

So my challenge this year is making that little bit stretch and making Memories with my children in the midst of financial and other personal struggles. I hope one day they look back on this Christmas of 2010 and remember it fondly and think wow...my mom is amazing.. no I mean... I hope they don't remember the stress...just the joy of Christmas.

Christmas Memories #5

2010-12-05T20:22:00.000-08:00

I was just cruising through facebook world and saw one of my Aunties status updates about Christmas being her mom, my grandma aka nene, favorite time of year and makes her miss her parents the most at this time.

I think, I couldn't agree more.

I had wonderful grandparents and certainly the holidays are full of memories of them visiting us or us visiting them. Family really is everything and they are dearly missed.

My moms parents lived on Vancouver Island and if memory serves me right we would mostly go over there on Boxing Day....Boxing Day is a Canadian holiday where we get the day "off" to pack up all our Christmas cheer but it really is another day of Christmas as far as I am concerned.

I have so many memories of riding the BC ferries over to visit our family over there and loved loved loved getting to spend time with my cousins C & D....they later moved over to the North Shore where I grew up and then moved back to the Island after graduation.... They were the highlight of boxing day to me and my sister Shash...we loved Nene's baked beans but didn't love her wet smooshy kisses so much! we loved pulling out the old toy box....with really a rag a muffin assortment of toys left over from our older sisters/cousins era :) ... and playing in the basement. We were so content to just be with each other. Sometimes we ventured to the local park but I have a distinct memory of playing downstairs and our pup pup...(grandfather),... would be in the same room watching us play. Whether he wanted to make sure we didn't break anything :) or he simply enjoyed watching us play I will never know but I remember his presence very clearly.

My dads parents lived in Edmonton when I was really young and I remember watching the clock eagerly waiting for their arrival. I loved loved loved my grandparents. I don't know what year they moved out to the Fraser Valley but I wanted so badly to go stay with them with my sisters and yet it was not quite 20 min out when I would make them return me home to my mother! I know now that she was quite happy to have the house to herself and yet I felt so guilty at the thought of her being all alone that I had to insist with many many many tears that they turn around and take me back to her.

My grandma is what you picture every grandma to be. Round soft and the BEST cook/baker E.V.E.R. She sewed she fussed and she clucked her tongue. When she thought no one was listening she sang. She rubbed my back and hummed me to sleep whenever I could sleep over...when I finally could leave my mother :) ... she woke me up for 6am porridge and then she would tell grandpa..papa ..as she called him to get ready so we could go to A&W for our second breakfast. We picked blueberries together every summer...I remember the time grandpa backed up into a tree and he smiled and said oh look that tree backed up into us :) he was the sweetest most endearing man ever. We would follow the flyer to all the sales in the area, their hall closet had enough Kleenex boxes to supply an elementary school for a year! She called me pet names, fed me candy and loved me like no other. My grandparents WERE love.

They are all, all 4, gone on to heaven now and I, at special times of the year especially Christmas, think of how they would have responded to my girls. What pretty dresses and baby blankets my grandma would make. The incredible witty remarks my pup pup would give. The wet sloppy kisses with a twinkle in her eye that was my nene. My grandpa who was the cornerstone of what character,strength, gentleness and love is.

I am thankful that they were mine and I was theirs and that my girls are making great memories in life with their grandparents.

Christmas Memories #4

2010-12-04T21:08:00.000-08:00

This memory has to be short and sweet as I pulled a muscle in my neck and am in tremendous amounts of pain...typing sitting and moving do NOT feel good right now! thankfully my mom dropped me off her hot water bottle some pain meds and miracle cream to help me feel better! thanks mommy.... I LOVE YOU!

Since I have been walking down Christmas Memory Lane I thought about one of the first gifts that I really remember getting as a child. I remember opening the gift and thinking WOW THEY REALLY GOT IT FOR ME! It was one of those dolls that actually came in a set of 2 if I remember correctly...and they grew...well if you pumped the arm it grew taller and then you could push down on her head and she would get smaller again :) I just remember that total thrilled feeling of getting what I had been wanting so very very badly.

I have another memory of that doll...taking it to church one night and looking at it and just willing it be a real baby with all my might... I was the girl always in the nursery, always wanting to hold babies...who gushed over my baby nephews and niece.... who wanted to babysit all the time. I wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I think this is largely due to the fact that I have the most amazing mother. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was and am loved. I know this is precious and a total gift. I love being a mom and while there are days that I can't wait till they are all out of the house :) I treasure the gifts that they are to me.

My Emily who is almost 12 is the same way I was. She loved her dolls, took really good care of them! (I actually had to make sure that my dolls were always dressed and facing up and wrapped up in case they got cold or felt rejected so I made sure I hugged them all...even the ugly worn out ones!) She babysits as much as she can. She gushes over babies. She loves to be in the nursery at church and hold all the babies. She is a natural with them and I know all she wants to be when she grows up is a mom...well that and being famous and if that doesn't work out a teacher!

It is so incredible to see what my mom passed on to me evident in my children. That really is the gift that keeps on giving.

Christmas Memories #3

2010-12-03T21:06:00.000-08:00

I think mostly when I think about Christmas, family, is the one word that is first and foremost in my mind.

I love my family.

I am the youngest of 4 girls. We had foster kids in our home as I was growing up and we always had someone staying with us. We had our cousins, who really are more like sisters, live with us as well. If there was someone speaking at our church...they stayed with us! The more the merrier was a life lesson we all learned well. From outcasts to refugees....literally!!... we have had our share of couch crashers and learning to share whether we liked it or not!

We had no idea that a large part of our childhood our parents were struggling financially...something I think today's kids are much more aware of and I wish mine were more like how I had it as a child. We always had great food. My mom became a cook extraordinaire and she learned to make a little stretch a lot. At one point we had us 4 girls, a cousin or 2, a foster sister, and a boy staying with us so he could go to the private church basement school we went too...that's a whole other post!!..... with 1 bathroom!!! that's right 1 bathroom!!!!...lets just say there was plenty of banging on the bathroom doors and plenty of fighting over mirror time with all those teenagers..my sister shash and I were way too little to be primping in front of the mirror although I would have done anything to just be a part of whatever was going on..cuz surely something was always going on in that household and as the youngest of it all I knew just KNEW that I was missing out something great and wonderful :)

Christmas just has that great overwhelming feeling of family...the more the merrier is how I like it....fill the table till we have NO more room but somehow we find that one last inch...make a meal stretch like never before........laugh and just BE together.

That is the Christmas of my heart.

Christmas Memories #2

2010-12-02T19:12:00.000-08:00

I have to start this with saying I totally scored the last 5 advent calendar's at wall-mart tonight! they were placed on a bottom shelf and it took me awhile to find them and I thought I missed them..and thought I was in for a night of searching! but then there they were! :) phew! so happy to continue the tradition and my student was really happy to get one to.

I really have so many Christmas memories but I thought this would be a great way to get me to keep my blogging up a little and since I see this blog as a journal for my girls as well, I really hope I can manage to keep this up!

My most different Christmas would definitely be the year I spent it in Africa. The year was 1991 and I was 17 years old in a foreign Country away from my parents for the first time ever for that long let alone gone for Christmas. I was definitely emotional. I remember the thought of my sisters and my parents and grandparents...and my dads mom my grandma was very very sick, in fact she passed away shortly after I returned a few months later.....and my nephews and niece all gathered together for Christmas dinner eating moms delicious cooking...turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce...all things I would miss in Kenya!

We celebrated Christmas at the YWAM base in their "love feast" form. We had a big feast with special Kenyan dishes and ywam'rs favorites....I was given the task of braiding the palm leaves which we made an arch out of ...of course we ate outside...Christmas in the middle of the dry season...dry season meaning it was not unheard of to be 114 in the sun and a cool 104 in the shade!!.... we all wore our best clothes...sundresses mostly and shorts! our best flip flops...fought for the shower which was a tap that dripped and we would collect the drops and then fill our bucket and sponge bathe! there was an outdoor shower that had a few missing gaps in between the wood planks that we would sometimes brave.

We ate till we could eat no more and then sang some Christmas songs and sat around the very strange Christmas tree with strange decorations and did our gift exchange game...which was a total hoot. All the time my family was close to my mind and my heart. I did manage a quick phone call home and tried to talk to my dearly missed family through my tears and huge feelings of realizing how very far away I was. I clearly remember that feeling to this day.

It was the first and last time that I have spent a Christmas outside of my Country let alone without any family members....and one I will never soon forget!

Christmas memories #1

2010-12-01T21:02:00.000-08:00

Christmas is my most favoritest time of year... like by far! It used to be my birthdays... until the number became something I didn't really want to celebrate! so now it's just Christmas.

I love the commercials, the music, the excitement in the air. I love giving. I LOVE love love watching my girls open their presents and be totally excited..I hope... that I managed to get the right thing for them. I love it all.

This year I feel SO far behind the 8 ball... I even missed buying the chocolate advent calendars in time and am hoping stores will still have some! I have never missed that. I waited a little longer this year as my youngest daughter, aka foofoomcgoofoo who is 8....has a problem not sneaking them BEFORE it is even Dec 1...she has not made a year yet eating it properly..one chocolate per day! but anyways I just cannot believe I forgot! it's a tradition that I will probably always continue. My mom always bought them for us when we were little and I love that they look the same..well except for the commercial ones! ..and I tend to think they might be some of the SAME ones! you never know how old stuff in stores really are :) ... (I used to work at K***t so I have an inside scoop!) my sister and I would race to the kitchen to open our little paper flap to see what the picture on the chocolate was...sometimes I sneaked the whole thing open so I could look at the backside...and yes occasionally some of my sister's chocolates "disappeared"... ok maybe Faith is a little like me :) ... it was just such a regular part of our Christmas that I looked forward to every year.

So much occupies my mind these days, not that that is unusual....but I do not like feeling so far behind. I am determined to keep our little traditions..come what may! and am totally excited that my sister is coming out with her family for Christmas this year! a living room jammed packed with kidlets!! what could be better?!!

what are some of your favorite Christmas memories?

choice

2010-11-24T19:09:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe it has been almost a month since I last blogged. So much has happened and yet I simply cannot blog about it here. Just too personal.

I will say this. Change is guaranteed and a constant in life. Family is worth fighting for. Taking a stand for what is right is a good thing to do. Allowing grace and mercy to rule over judgment is the only way to live.

Now while I say all that I admit that living it out is at best a challenge. Raising children is a challenge. Raising a teenager is a challenge. Having an exchange student at times can be a challenge. Working full time with a house full is a challenge. Being married is a challenge. Being a woman with the full range of blessed emotions we have...is sometimes a challenge. Being a friend who is a good friend is sometimes a challenge. Don't even get me going on housework...that is near impossible :)

So how does one do it all?

seriously I am asking...... anyone out there at all have the answers ??? :)

life simply is a challenge. a race. a journey. It's all that and more.

I choose mercy and grace over judgment and I choose to love and stand up for what is right.

And when I have done all else.... I stand.

and a note to my girls who one day will read this blog/journal and remember this un-bloggable time in life, this blip in time. You my dear precious ones are my reason for being on this earth. You are my greatest joys and accomplishments. You are loved forever and completely and even though life threw some unfair situations at us and there are times when things looked bleak and miserable...you were loved and cherished, your laughter lifted my soul and your beaming faces are linked to my very core. Forever and always my babies you'll be.

ETA:
ok so I guess I should clarify a little so no one thinks we are dying over here!! everyone is alright! J still has numbness and is still going to monthly treatments and is on meds, it, life, has just been a struggle with more than 1 issue for a longer period of time than normal..... you know life but just a little harder then easy breezy.

to halloween or not to halloween, that is the ?

2010-10-25T09:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we drove the girls out to Kilby to see their haunted house. It is well worth the beautiful 1 1/2 hour drive for us (it was not that spectacular of a haunted house per say but just a fun thing to do), specially with the leaves all turning color and we saw so many bald eagles....it was beautiful.

I have reservations about the haunted house and how far to "celebrate" halloween. I grew up in a Christian home and halloween was not something you celebrated! not even secretly! Throw in a health nut for a mom and the day was not something we were allowed to participate in. Our church would have a "harvest" party where we got to dress up as a Bible character/theme....my most memorable costume was when my mom spray painted brown bags and we were silver soldiers!! The best part of Biblical costumes was you pretty much just needed what was in your linen closet...a towel, sheet and a drapery tie and you were set!! My dad let us secretly go trick or treating on our street one year when my mom was away...she came back early and gave our candy away to the kids coming to the door...who were thankful it wasn't an apple again! we usually had an apple covered lawn in the morning. Save to say halloween was not a part of our childhood and it was usually associated with a lot of fear for me.

Skip ahead to when I become a mom......

I dress my kids up every year.... I have always allowed them to go trick or treating..... we usually take them to some event around that time..... we never did let them wear scary costumes up until last year....Last year foo begged and begged to be a vampire and with all the twilight hysteria in our home I finally relented....this year she is repeating her vampireness. Morgan is going as Cleopatra, Emily as an 80's aerobic instructor and Hailey as miss electric...something she made up, she is SO her own little person. I do have a little apprehension in letting faith be a vampire. I am not sure if it is just good Christian common sense :) or the halloween is bad and satanic upbringing I had...or both??!! I would rather her be something not scary. The older the kids are, the less I enforce my childhood beliefs, well some of them at least.

Here is the dilema....... is that wrong?

I guess it depends which side of the Faith Fence you sit on.....not even sure that is a PC or accurate statement to make....it might have nothing to do with faith or ones personal belief system at all.

I find it interesting when parenting my own girls how much I look back and think of my own childhood and try to take in why my parents did certain things with us. Sometimes a little bit of guilt seeps in and I am not sure I am doing the right thing. But then I don't know if it is my own conviction or not....confusing and really not a HUGE issue for me but I have been thinking about it and then wondering if others out there think the same things as me.

So the question is...do you participate in halloween? why or why not? did you have a similar upbringing than me? and if so, how do you view halloween now that you are older?

when words fail me

2010-10-21T08:59:00.001-07:00

I have a lot to say but not sure how to type it all out. So today when words fail me and I feel quiet and thoughtful I remembered Thanksgiving Morning at the cabin and the fog rolling on the lake, the sun sparkling everywhere you looked, and the fresh crisp Autumn air and I remember to breathe.

got to have a little faith

2010-10-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

Last night I made a last decision to run out to church, my youngest 2 wanted to go with me but Faith was the only one who got ready fast enough. We started out by listening to the Glee Season 1 CD and she asked me if I could take her to a singing contest...so I told her that I actually have a number of an agent for her and think acting is more her thing. She is nothing if not a diva! Born for greatness, as I believe all 4 of my girls are, this one has acting boiling in her blood. She then leaned over turned the music off and we started an hour long talk of some pretty amazing stuff!

and yes you read right...an hour drive 1 way to my church, but it's worth it :)
and yes she talked pretty much the whole way, she is MY daughter after all!

Sometimes it is hard, ok a lot of times it is hard to get some quality 1 on 1 time with my girls, especially with the schedule that I try to keep (which will be changing promptly but that's another post).

We talked about Faiths speech and I was able to ask her a lot of deep/personal questions and the atmosphere was so safe and peaceful that she shared some hard feelings with me. Yes she knows she talks different than others, sometimes it bothers her but mostly not at least not any more. She knows she is the biggest kid in her class, the girl will probably be a min of 6 feet tall is 8 years old with size 8 ladies feet!. She told me how she was playing a chasing game at school and a little boy told her he wasn't chasing her cuz she is so much bigger it would be like hitting a wall.....ouch....that hurt her. She said in a quiet voice..... that made me sad. We talked about how God made her body bigger and naturally her body wants to be bigger so she has to make extra healthy choices. That is such a touchy subject but I was saying things simply and gently and asking her after everything I said, does that make you feel special, or sad, do you understand? she was totally understanding. I told her how I thought when she got lost up North for the 2 hours in winter and afterwards she was more afraid to go play outside and mommy and daddy were just as happy to let her stay in and watch TV that that made her body a little bigger without all the outdoor exercise a little body needs. She thought for a moment then nodded her head and said...that makes sense.... sometimes my little 8 year old thinks like an 80 year old!
She told me that she felt a little sad about the clothes that I just bought her, she said they looked so big and she thought they wouldn't fit her but then she tried them on and they were too small. I couldn't help but think of the movie Spanglish and the mom buying clothes a size too small on purpose... I totally did NOT do that and thought the clothes would fit but I can't help but think the same feeling is impressed in the child. My heart sank for her. In the end though I think she felt happy and had some understanding that her body just wants to be bigger and together we can make healthy choices and exercise (go for walks and take swimming lessons).

Then we started talking about other things and she told me " you know what I imagine when I think of God?" I said no, she said "when I imagine God I see Alf"....Alf is our pastor....we had to tell him that last night he was tickled...pretty cute!!

We just had such a great intimate time together and let me tell you it was a far cry from what we had last week with her telling me I am the worse mother in the world....lots of drama! So I take these moments and cherish them with all my heart. Just gotta have a little faith!

feeling the effects

2010-10-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

I don't normally post about the economy or politics but there is a first time for everything! I also try.....emphasis on the word TRY.... to be a positive person. If I was taught one thing in my childhood it was about the power of our words!

I think it is safe to say that BC's economy ain't that hot! we have definitely been on a downward spiral as a Country and now our Provincial Gov't has increased taxes. I get that we have debt, I get that we have a socialist government, for the most part....all the "free" services have to paid somehow! We are so heavily taxed and with last years introduction of the carbon tax we are now paying tax on tax. It's crazy.

We are a middle class family that is feeling squeezed into lower class. My husbands plumbing business has taken a hit after the July 01 7% tax increase. We haven't had such a poor summer in a long long time. He has other plumbers calling him for work. So not only was there already a shortage of work before the tax but there has been a huge dip since the tax. Obviously I am against the HST, for me and my family it hurts financially.....a lot! for example, my children are bigger girls with huge feet and since the tax change on size of clothing I pay full tax, they do not fit most children clothing and definitely not shoes....2 of them have bigger feet then me and I am a size 9.

So many things are increasing and yet our income is decreasing.

I have heard that the entire Country is feeling the effects of BC and Ontario's recent tax increase. There is a cry from the restaurant association as restaurants have been the most affected and I know this on a personal level as my family owns a restaurant. People are watching their few pennies and eating out less and the 7% increase is being taken out on the servers with way less tips and just a lack of attendance! I know that a lot of people are jumping the border and shopping in the States. The combination of our high valued dollar right now and their way of saying screw you to the tax increase is too appealing for many. Unfortunately that does not help our economy out at all but as a family of 6 I can understand you got to do what you got to do to make ends meet.

This leaves our family wondering what can we do to make ends meet? how long will this all last? the HST is here and the process to appeal or have it reversed will cost the tax payers...us... MILLIONS of dollars...and how do we get that paid back? I personally think our Gov't giving themselves a 40% raise in the last 6 years should be reversed...I think that way too many of our services is top heavy...by that I mean pay the board directors less and eliminate some of the many many Government Board positions all together. Just my personal opinion :)

Our plan....looks like we are going to try to sell our house and are looking for a place to rent. Hopefully one day we will own again. I can't help but think if we had stayed in our first house we bought 10 years ago and didn't do all the moving, how much further we would be ahead ?...but throw in an auto-immune disease a crashing economy and a general all over price/tax increase and how does anyone know how to plan/save for that?!

It's hard to not feel afraid of the uncertainty, to have faith that our current Provincial Gov't will do right by the people...I certainly don't want the other guys in power, they are a big reason our Province is in most of the debt.

Not a great feeling at all. For the first time in our adult lives the uncertainty is bigger than any sercurity.

lifting the veil

2010-10-03T09:56:00.000-07:00

It has been 3 weeks since the big shave and for the most part the biggest emotion I felt was empowerment and liberation. There are definitely strange moments when I walk past a mirror and get a glimpse of my reflection and have a small panic attack. Moments where I feel slightly unsure of what I look like.

Yesterday was the first day that was hard for me... or at least harder.

I found myself feeling a little more insecure. I felt masculine. Like all my softness was gone. It was unexpected how strong those feelings were. Without makeup I look like a boy.. a young boy at least but still a boy. I resemble my father extremely! and his side of the family....who by the way we just found out are from a Swedish background not the Norwegian we had always believed. .. When I got out of the shower yesterday and I walked by the full length mirror I found that I was not only shocked by what I saw, in that sometimes I still don't recognize my body and the changes that 36 years of evolution has done to me!! but I saw how square my shoulders are and short my neck is. My head is quite square and I definitely look every inch Scandinavian! I had to do a little shopping therapy to find a nice soft purple sweater last night, I so needed a soft feminine look.

Without hair I think you really notice other things, there is a true starkness when you look in the mirror and you is all you can see. I think it is fair to say that throughout the majority of history a woman's hair was the woman! It was our covering, our modesty, our crowning glory, our veil and so much of our security and how we define ourselves, our look, is in our hair. Remove that and you have to rediscover yourself a little bit.

Women/girls battling cancer and loosing their hair with no choice like I did, are amazing women. All that they are dealing with, fighting for their lives and then to be so unveiled on top of it all....astonishing how they deal with that.

Today a friend is "running for the cure" after winning a battle with breast cancer at the young age of 33. Loosing a breast is a whole other thing that I can hardly imagine.

Image and how we see ourselves is something we cannot get away from. Strip down all the different looks from hippy to vogue and we are all trying to portray a statement of who we are. Fat, thin and in between most of us are not happy, and if you are you would never dare say you are as you don't want to seem vain and conceited.

Being truly happy with ourselves inside and out may be a life long journey to find!

me + tired = a little bit of crazy

2010-09-28T23:37:00.000-07:00

Exhaustion equals women who balance careers, husbands, home, children, life! pick a combination and there you have a formula for exhaustion.

Besides when the girls were all babies...the 3 youngest I had in 3 years time.....I know WHAT was I thinking?! um k don't answer that :) .... what was I saying again? oh yeah being tired and this is me tired. Rambling. A little grumpy.... I said a LITTLE! J may say a LOT! and physically feeling my body telling me to slow down. The problem is as a woman with a career of sorts, a house, a husband, 4 delightful always obedient ever so helpful children, friends who I never seem to have time for and my inner circle seems to be getting smaller, I am not sure I can see light at the end of the tunnel!

The tugs at my attention all seem so important and never ending all wrapped up into one big ball of responsibility. I am forever trying to find the balance and it always seems to allude me. This all gives me heartburn. Bad heartburn. Like wake me up in the middle of the night can't move heartburn. It sucks. I know in the scheme of it all it could be worse. I could be dealing with what Patti is and really with all what I am dealing with it seems like nothing compared to that. Not to diminish my nothing I am just saying that I get that things could be much much worse.

I don't even know what this post is about...ok I am truly tired! wanna hear my new favorite joke? ok I am asking my readers a question they cannot answer... I am a sad sad tired woman!

here it is

how many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

I got a blue bike!

ok I love that .... it really sums me up right about now!

So back to my whining about me and why I am so tired, or at least 1 of the many many reasons, there is a situation...or something like that not even sure what you can call it....but I am having a hard time with something that I am not even sure I should blog about....but I have a big mouth and loose fingers! I am not sure if I am being stubborn or what. I am rambling so much I can't even get to the point! there are some people, that I don't like... I know boo hiss gasp for shame.....and when I say I don't like... I mean I really don't like for various reasons. The problem is for reasons that I will have some maturity about and not blog about is, I cannot really escape them, as much as I would love to. I am struggling with how to be civil..again boo hiss for shame on me.. not sure what part is being nice and civil for the sake of others and how much of it is not being true to myself, so I have just been avoiding to the exclusion of others. Is that the problem? am I so selfish that I cannot lay my feelings aside for those that I care about? and I am not even sure why I can't get over it?! too old? too tired? need to deal with offense and forgiveness? all of the above? it perplexes me actually.

Have any of you, my dear hopefully not too confused readers, been in a situation as this, as vague as I can describe it? what did/do you do?

Besides the exhaustion here is a very ADD run down on what I have been up too lately:

taking J to various specialist appointments as it seems there is a possibility the CIDP is moving to muscles internally and this has been a little scary.

having to breath thru the HSTfactor that has affected my husbands work, my work, my parents work, my bills and expenses and a LOT of frustration

reading...finished Pride & Prejudice ...sigh LOVE LOVE LOVE it, Wuthering Heights... had no idea it was so dark and heavy, the Red Tent..... very interesting, the Birth House.... loved it great book

soccer... Hailey is in soccer and has practices 2 times a week and a game every Sunday... when the coaches actually seem to know what is going on, very frustrating but LOVE watching her play and do so well

specialist appt with Hailey....on going, getting ready to go back again soon, haven't finished all my homework with this = guilt for everything on SO many levels

new student.... very pleasant very polite very easy...no problem here really

work....where to even begin?, what a challenge, huge learning curve continually and a major stretch for my I hate everything controversial approach with people as much as I possibly can... love the challenge mostly, love so many aspects, learning how to work smarter and not harder...hopefully!

somewhere in there I get snippets of visits with those I love and care about.....Thursday is J and my 15th wedding anniversary and since that took me 5 attempts to spell I have realized that I am way too tired to possibly write anything more and will continue this ramble another time.

ok I admit it.... I'm a GLEEK

2010-09-21T08:35:00.000-07:00

When Glee first aired I was so super duper excited! musicals are right up my alley and my not so secret life long dream was to be on Broadway! I mean I really wanted it but life had other plans for me. Sometimes when I have watched a musical or play I think... I could do that....well not so much the singing part! while I can carry a tune and sing harmonies I really am not a "soloist"...choir yes, solo no! I have been in a few small town productions and actually juggled around part wise so I could do the acting but not the solo's that came with them :) I do love to sing, we sing a lot around the house and I am not a quiet shower singer but belt it out! but acting....that is something I much better at. I am good at doing impersonations as well. But again not meant for me in this life time....not that my life is even close to being over!! but my role as mom is much more important.

So back to Glee....my kids LOVE LOVE LOVE this show as well....and while there are certain aspects that are WAY to grown up for the little ones I admit I let them watch it..... we have had quite a few talks about what NOT to do while we are still young! I bought a Glee CD and we listen to it all the time. I love all the styles of music and love watching my girls sing along and make up dances.

My girls are all pretty dramatic! between J and I there was no chance of them not having a flare for the dramatic side of life. My youngest in particular is extremely dramatic. I think she actually has quite the talent. We were getting groceries last week together and she all of a sudden starts singing " I am going to sing instead of talking, momma do you want some cooooooooorrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnn" it was pretty funny then she grabs a jar of Ragu, holds it by her head and starts doing the commercial, "ragu, it has a full serving of vegetables and your kids will love it", now I am really cracking up and so are the other people in the aisle. It is so funny to me how she can remember commercials but struggles in knowing the days of the week! ( she does have a learning disability, disgraphia or audio processing disorder ). I think she needs to be encouraged in acting and am going to look for some local way/group to do that.

It is pretty save to say that me and the girls are all GLEEKS! and proud of it!

really be me

2010-09-16T23:06:00.000-07:00

Today marked Day #6 of being bald, although my hair is growing in quite quickly! After feeling self conscious for the first few days and freezing.....now I am hot! my body really doesn't know what is going on without all that insulation!.....I actually have NO issues with being bald. None!

I really didn't know if I would and that was part of the process of all this. I am pleasantly surprised that I am actually really good with it. It helps that I get a lot of compliments and a lot of wow you have a great shaped head and wow you really can pull that blad thing off.... that really helps, who am I kidding :) I have had a few of my kids friends say I sure look like a boy and weird. It's all good.

The conversations it opens up are amazing. Everyone has been touched by cancer.

For me, as not only has this process affected me, but the fact that another close relative of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer.... I have to face it yet again. Today I felt a little shocked on learning about it and I quickly knew I have to make lifestyle changes. This will be the 2nd intestinal related cancer in my close family. I don't want to be among those numbers. I have to be healthy and while cancer is not a respecter of persons and is as random as it is genetic...at least it seems that way to me... I want to be pro-active in my life so that I give my girls a great example and be here as long as I can for them.

So I shall start with a cleanse...I used to always do cleanses once a year and severely have slacked off. I am determined to drink more water. Eat healthier choices on a regular basis. Loose some weight. Find JOY in everything I do. LOVE. And ......... really be me.

but baby it's cold outside

2010-09-13T21:38:00.000-07:00

I think I have mentioned before that my favorite Christmas song (non-religious just for those that think I may be going to hell in a hand-basket!!), is "baby it's cold outside".....well me and my bald head are feeling rather cold these days! I went to get groceries yesterday and wore one of my hats ,as it was raining, and while shopping the fridge aisles I found myself freezing....like almost teeth chattering!! today I wore a hat to work and a hoody and I went from over heated to flinging off the hat and sweater only to put it back on once the steam had all evaporated off my scalp! it is a strange feeling my friends, strange indeed! I had to wonder if this is a small taste of what menopause is like....hot flashes will not be pretty! maybe I should shave my head then to?!

Overall I do not find people staring at all. I had a customer come into the store today with a real bald head, you could tell she definitely lost her hair. She quickly pointed to me winked and said I love your hair! It was a pretty cool moment.

When I catch my reflection at times I almost feel started, I totally see the family resemblance in certain features.....mainly the nose....definitely a nose from my dads side of the family! Em walked into the kitchen this morning and did a double take...they are not really used to it either! and they love to rub my head.

Foo told me last night that she loved that I shaved my head and was really happy that I did that for Geli....coming from an 8 year old I thought that was pretty cool....it was quickly followed by a "I hate everyone" when she was sent to bed at the early hour of 8:00! one of the backlashes of teaching my children to speak what they feel :) doah....anyways....all in all I don't have any feelings of missing my hair or regret or anything like that. I am planning on letting it grow back and not keeping it shaved like Patti is. I admire her for deciding to keep her head shaved as long as Geli does not have hair! that is pretty amazing!

I do plan on having some fun with it as it grows out...might try a little platinum...a little red....a little punk!! may open up a whole new permanent look for me! Do you have any suggestions on what you think I should try as it grows out???!!

the whole new me

2010-09-12T13:27:00.000-07:00

Well here I am.... the whole new me!

It's been an interesting few months to say the least. I guess you could say that I am adjusting to my new skin, my 36 year old skin! I have a WHOLE lot of things I want to say but kind of feel a bit jumbley...yes jumbley it's a word... I think!

so....where to start?

Yesterday was quite the ride of emotions for me. I was sweating bullets! I was so nervous and as the hour approached I had rides of different emotions going thru me. I was chatting with Patti on BBM and that helped....she kind of felt like an achor to me and to be honest that is not the first time she has been that for me. I love this woman. I have known her for as long as I can remember. We are related thru marriage and tell people when they ask if we are sisters that we might as well be. It is better in some ways then being sisters because we don't get the family sibling dynamic between us. We just love each other and take each other for what and who we are no questions asked or explanations needed. That I realize is rare and beautiful and I cherish that I am fortunate enough to have that.

So back to yesterday, I was nervous and emotional. I felt a little on display and as dramatic as I am this was not an entirely comfortable feeling. We set up the computer beside me outside and we connected on Skype with Geli and the family so they could watch....they were even eating popcorn! regular entertainment!!! Jen from the Mens Zone in the same strip mall as my business was kind enough to offer her services to do the deed. We also had a photographer Alisha there and I will definitely link to her site and put up the amazing photos she took as soon as I can. I suggested if people gave a min of another $10 donation they could take a swipe of my hair, no one actually did the shaving but we raised an additional $500 yesterday! that is amazing and I am sooooooooooo thankful for the generosity of everyone. A regular customer of mine brought me earrings the day before that she made, a pair for myself and Geli in the color representing Leukemia (orange). I think that is pretty amazing! This whole process has been pretty amazing!

My sister called me moments before we started and she started to cry telling me she was so proud of me. That did me in as I was hanging on not to cry and thats when I couldn't hold it back. I really don't know how much of it was my shaving my hair off, the impact and generosity I have seen, the reality of what Geli and my Aunt Elaine and others have had to go thru do to this disease. Cancer sucks. It was probably a combination of all the above. Once Jen made the first few cuts, ( they put my hair in lots of mini pony tails so that we could try to donate the hair), I was fine. I mean what are you going to do at that point? you are pretty much committed! I felt my anxiety dissipate and I was breathing a little more calm....until I heard Geli say via the skype, "I love you Auntie Lise, thank you for doing this"....ok it still makes me teary. She is an amazing little girl and her strength is inspiring. What she is going through, what they are all going through is incomprehensible.

My scalp burned a little bit, I do have dry skin and have regular eczema issues...my scalp included. I felt a little self conscious but the fresh dose of adrenaline was carrying me through. I looked in the mirror and thought wow I have BIG DARK bags under my eyes! and was in awe at the physical resemblance I have to my dad and his side of the family.....like wow!! I mean I knew I looked like my dad but remove the long blond hair and I REALLY look like him! There were lots of hugs and more hugs and rubbing of the scalp. A few times I felt a little overwhelmed and just wanted to not be in the spot light. My good friend Karli was in danger of bringing me to tears a few times :) but the love and support I felt was amazing. Patti's mom who I have loved and called Auntie my entire life, was there, and Jon's parents were also there . I am so glad they came they are all special people to me. My parents and inlaws were there, a sister-n-law and another girl friend and their kids and my co-workers and a few regular customers were all there and of course my hubby and the girls.

The after effects ~ well....I am still getting used to it. J and I went out for a date last night, dinner and a movie (eat pray love...review to come one day soon)....and at first I wore one of the hats I crocheted...it is raining and cold here right now....then at dinner after we were seated I took the hat off. I was sitting by a fireplace and man was my head sweating :) that was a weird feeling, I can also feel which way the wind is blowing right off the old noggin...strange!!! I don't know if people were really looking cuz I didn't know if I was looking more to see if people might be looking. When I got up to walk thru the restaurant to go to the bathroom I didn't really notice anything other than I definitely felt more self conscious. The only incident I really had is when we first walked in, hat still on and 2 ladies were looking at me then leaning into each other to whisper and continued staring at me... I wanted to take the hat off right then and there and really get a reaction from them but at the same time didn't want to create an entrance! Just wanted to observe the difference from hair to bald.

This morning we went to church and I have to say that I was feeling nervous and self conscious again. Most people there knew what I had done, many came up to touch my head and give me a hug.

I have found the whole issue of donating my hair an interesting issue. I am surprised how many people ask and I almost get the feeling with some they would feel upset if I didn't donate it. I am equally surprised by my reaction. When I decided to do this I googled the local hair/wig places....emphasis on LOCAL being Vancouver, the sites that I found all said they would not accept treated hair whether it be a perm or color. Since I color my hair I figured that left me out even though I had the length requirements. I find that my back is up when I feel someone is demanding I donate my hair. Now I have only been bald 24 hours this is all new to me and I haven't had a lot of time to process all my thoughts and feelings about me, how I look, how I feel and all that jazz. A few comments I read on facebook actually made me angry and I went off to J on a tangent of emotions about how it's my hair and why I did what I did and what I do with my hair is MY business and blah blah blah. As much as I love a good debate I am not looking to enter one on this subject entirely yet. BUT..... I just find it interesting that people feel they have the right to tell you what to do with your hair! and that you SHOULD donate it and have no idea who I am or get that it wasn't about cutting my hair for a wig which would be great if I can..an added bonus if you will....but it was about my best friend and her daughter and their family and showing them my support and helping to raise funds for them in this difficult time and being selfish in wanting to feel like I helped in some small way. This whole aspect kind of took me by surprise.

I am sure it won't be the last aspect that surprises me about shaving my head ! and you can bet you will read it all right here :)

bring it on baby

2010-09-08T14:13:00.000-07:00

I have 3 sleeps until the big shave. I have had quite a bit of time to get used to the idea and get prepared. People ask me all the time if I am nervous or scared...I usually answer...yes and no.

The closer it gets the more I am feeling "bring it on baby" !! I mean what can I do? I said I would do it, the goal was surpassed and I am usually good on my word! In a selfish way I feel good about being able to DO something, as insignificant as it is, it makes me feel better! and recognizing that we are creatures that are in need to appease ourselves..... I feel good about what I am doing.

I didn't set off to really do much more than raise some funds for my dear friends and I have been pleasantly surprised by the ripple effect it has caused. I even had someone come into the store and tell me I was their hero...now I certainly wouldn't call what I am doing heroic by any stretch of the imagination and I was caught off guard by that, it does help in the moments that I start feeling insecure in loosing what many women consider a prized possession.

There really is no way that Geli can be in attendance this Saturday to do the deed as her immunity is way way way way way too low and add to the fact that J is sick and the girls are not feeling great I have been exposed and therefore a danger to her. Never mind a crowd that we are expecting to acquire to witness the all new me! We are going to set up my laptop so Geli can be there via skype.

So this is quite a week...one to mark my family's record books as not only am I shaving my hair off Sat but my Emily fell last night at a friends house and broke her shoulder....her right shoulder and yes she is right handed and her curling that she is signed up for begins shortly not to mention school started and she can't write...let alone attend for the next couple of days! we do realize it is only a bone and it will heal! hopefully quickly and correctly as she is quite an athlete! We also added to our family for the duration of the school year with a 16 year old exchange student from China... of the male gender! no I am not crazy the alternative of another young female was more than I could emotionally handle right now and an independent teenage male is much better! so....the crazy drama in my life continues...although I am done with the drama I do acknowledge that I seem to thrive in chaos :) so......BRING IT ON BABY!!!

"B" bald is beautiful

2010-09-01T09:54:00.001-07:00

The little tip jar that could reached it's goal last weekend. I am so thankful for all those that came in and gave, it is pretty encouraging. Since I am away this weekend I have set the day for next Sat Sept 11th.

I will for sure post pictures!

Part of me is still a little nervous but most of me is ready to go! (I brought a bunch of yarn with me to the cabin this weekend so I can crochet a bunch of hats!) Anytime I think of Geli my nervous bugs go away and I know a little hair is nothing. It doesn't make me me. It doesn't define me. It will grow back and I can have fun with hats and funky hair dos while it does. I love that little girl with all my heart and I love her family and I have to say that it makes me feel better that I am able to do something even if it is something as small as this is.

almost but not quite

2010-08-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

My store's "the little tip jar that could" is getting pretty close to the amount I set just over a month ago. As far as what I initially thought or expected...... well we are pretty much where I thought we would be. I estimated that by the end of Aug we would be at the $2,000 goal. Of course there was that hope that we would surpass that goal...far far surpass that goal was my deep hope. I approached several business' and banks but the usual answer I received was I am so deeply sorry for your friends....but.... we cannot give donations to individuals, only registered charities. While I can understand that being a business owner myself and enough sense to realize there are a LOT of hurting people in our own backyard never mind the world!! I feel a little frustrated. Wish I could do so much more. But it is what it is and the fact that the little tip jar that could has raised more funds this summer than we ever collected in tips in a year is pretty exciting and in no way do I want to under mind that level of achievement. I am pretty excited. I am pretty nervous in how I will look bald and have to laugh at all the people who are still trying to convince me to bail on following through! The local paper did an interview and hopefully we will see that bring some more people to give what they can. I hope we can surpass the goal and I will definitely post pictures when the big event happens!!

CRASH

2010-08-05T07:52:00.000-07:00

There have been a few times in my life when I crash and fall.
For a lack of a better word, crash, seems to say it all.
I can carry quite the load and at times, do it all on my own.
I look inward for the strength to get me through.
Running on empty is what I seem to do.

Just keep moving one limb at a time.
Carrying all the responsibilities that are mine.
Asking for help would seem weak and frail.
I think I have enough strength to prevail.

When then at the end of the tunnel I see a light
my body reacts the rope not so tight
the weight that I can no longer bare
was actually meant for me to share

on my knees yet once again,
the weary way of men
He gazes and He smiles
says, daughter, it's been awhile

Let me hold you, feel my Peace
feel my strength and let it ease
No longer gaze inward, gaze at Me
My Daughter, My Love, be free

Managing from the heart

2010-08-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

I made the cheese costume with help from my sis....this was waiting for the parade to start

my little foofoo after torturing her to get the make up on....she kept saying it was blue and not quite believing me it was indeed grey and if she could just sit still long enough for me to finish she would see she was a grey mouse not a blue mouse...ugh that was fun!!

This week has been an interesting week to say the least. We found out 9 days before the local Spirit of the Sea Festival that my store made it into the parade even though we entered really late. I was shocked and thrilled and then went into overdrive to make sure we could pull it off and pull it off well. I think we did it. It was quite the adrenaline rush and crazy and amazing and overwhelming and positive and tiring and thrilling...pretty much all rolled into 1. I felt like I have been hit with a semi truck today, just totally wiped. All the emotion, thought, work, talk, and dreams ( I dreamt of the parade so much before and last night was ALL parade in my dreams) that today I feel today drained of anything left in me. I put so much into what I do. I put so much of me into work. All these things are good but it does come with a price.

When you manage from the heart I think you tend to get hurt more! Without going into any details, as I just don't think that it's appropriate for me to do here, I had a ringer of a week with a staff...now former staff. It drained me. Left me feeling a little insecure and unsure of myself. In fact it was quite an eye opener for me in how I operate the store and my life. I think it is safe to say that I am a passionate person in all that I do. I love passionately and yes I hate passionately as well. I leave myself quite open with people and when they mistreat that and I realize I have allowed that.....ouch. It hurts. In the process I become quite upset at myself as well for not being stronger and allowing it to get to me. But then I realize, that's all a part of who I am and how I do things. I do think I can learn how to do things better! I am learning to go with my instinct, that I can trust my instinct and have to at times stand up for that instinct at work and in my personal life.

Anyways I could ramble on and on but the long and short of it is, I don't want to repeat this week, the parade yes! the drama NO! I think part of getting older is learning how to be the best you and I think with the new changes that are going to take place shortly at work, and with time and experience and confidence I think that I will continue to manage from the heart, just smarter!

day to day operations

2010-07-28T17:47:00.000-07:00

I have never done any personal fundraising before. This is probably the first time I have ever been deeply motivated by love and yes anger and frustration to do what I am attempting to do.

On some levels I can understand what they are going thru, at least when it comes to the financial end of it and that is another reason why I think I am doing what I am doing. When Jay was diagnosed with CIDP, Jan 2007 and his body was weakening by the day and we realized this was no mild matter, our lives turned upside down. On top of the panic the sheer feeling like the rug was just pulled out from under you and you are literally dazed and confused you have to figure out how the day to day operation of your family is still going to happen. Thankfully we were surrounded by amazing neighbors and friends that helped, our family was 900 kms away at that time.

A big part of the day to day operations in a family is money! simply stated a family needs money to survive. I found myself doing as much research as I could while I was polishing up my rusty resume ( I had been home with the girls by then for a few years). It was obvious that I needed a job and we had some room on our credit cards but there was no endless fountain at our fingertips. Now I have to say that we are EXTREMELY blessed in that both sets of our parents are financially able to help us out and that is what happened but we didn't want to assume that they would and made sure we exhausted our own resources before we asked. What I found was astonishing to me.

There was NOTHING out there for us! with all the years of taxes we have both paid, there was nothing! Due to the simple and down right unbelievable rule that since Jay had not collected Unemployment Insurance in the previous 5 years he did NOT qualify for any re-training program out there. They actually asked ME if I had been on UI in the last 5 years, and as I had due to maternity leave, they said "oh well Mrs....YOU qualify for re-training" as if that is why I had called in the first place! I didn't need re-training but there was a very good possibility that Jay would! His physical body was not able to do the strain of walking up stairs let alone do landscaping or plumbing....his 2 trades. Even one of the Gov't agencies I talked to said to me "wow you sure have done your homework", I knew the ins and outs of it all! The bottom line for any emerg aid was we owned 1 vehicle that was worth more than $5,000 outright. It was our 1 vehicle that actually fit all 6 of us and it was barely worth 6g's. BUT since we didn't owe anything on it, never mind that we were home-owners, or had another vehicle (it wasn't worth $5!) the simple fact that we owned that truck meant there was no help for us. They suggested we sell it.....there was NO bus route where we lived and we lived out of town....try to find a reliable vehicle that fits 6 and can handle 6-7 months of winter conditions for under $5,000! our other choice was to sell it and get a loan for another vehicle but with BOTH of us not working and him with a recent Neurological Disease that was just impossible. Totally frustrating. I remember standing in the bathroom totally at the end of the list of #'s I could possibly find, I didn't know what else we could do. There really is nothing out there for the average middle class family when sickness or disease strikes! In the end it did cost us a lot financially but like I said early thank God we had our parents and the amazing people that were moved and donated to us! (we had some anonymous ones we still don't know who they are...and we are still thankful!!) or we would have lost everything, and I mean everything.

So when I think of Jon and Patti and all they are going thru I can sympathize with them the stress of wondering how all this is going to affect their family and the day to day operations. Running to Vancouver 4 times a week. All the medications Geli is on. The urgent need to make the home as healthy as they can. The fact that Jon cannot work, although the church he Pastors at has said don't worry about it they are making a good investment! how awesome is that!!! needless to say they don't need the financial stress and every little bit of extra will help to ease that stress.

Understanding a little of all this adds to my heart that hurts for them and when I cringe a little of what I will look like with no hair and the nervous butterflies I feel in my tummy and wonder what the heck Jay is going to think of me with shorter hair than his!! and his is pretty short....I just think of that amazing beautiful girl who is taking all this with courage I could only ever hope to have, I think of her dazzling smile, the grace she has, the beauty that is her inside and out, the bravery she has to muster, the pressure on this family, the fear demons they have to fight, the sense of family they are holding on to, the love I feel for all 7 of them....what's a little hair?

when you don't know what else to do...

2010-07-23T17:45:00.000-07:00

The above picture is my dear long life friend and her daughter. I have been blogging about them the last couple of posts as Geli was diagnosed with Leukemia June 17th. She is 13 years old. I was thinking today about the day she was born, I actually remember what I was wearing as I navigated my way to her hospital room already feeling the tears brimming...and yes my outfit was LOUD! it was 1997 and I was rocking a multi colored bright bright jumper dress!!! I remember holding her with her red chubby cheeks and seeing the shock of dark hair she was sporting! She was beautiful and I loved her instantly. I love her mom and I love their whole family. I am fortunate to have the privilege of her dad and my hubby be best of friends. It's a whole mismashed family and we wouldn't have it any other way.

So much of me feels so angry that this has happened to her and while I have faith and believe that she will be completely healed this whole process sucks. I feel helpless and so much of me is struggling at what can I do? I think so much of our humanness and even community drives us to DO things...not just sit idly around. I am not much of a sitter anyways. But what can I do? cook? they definitely need meals and yet I live a bit of a distance and rarely make it home to cook my family dinner....this kind of left the going and cleaning her house as well...not sure if any of you have seen my house on a oh you have dropped by with no notice oh well here let me just shut all the bedroom doors and pick the banana peels off the floor :) my hubby clearly reminded me that I can't even keep on top of my house..this is not a criticism but a fact since I work quite a bit..... anyways all that to say that I was struggling to find what I could DO for them. Then one of my staff at work asked if they could donate their tips to the family... I was like.. oh um yes that would be wonderful, does everyone agree? yes?! ok great! then after being at their house last Sunday and hearing how much all the meds cost that Geli has to be on. Even with their extended benefits they are having to pay quite a bit. Add to this the need to make their house as healthy as possible for Geli as she enters her 2nd stage of treatments. It was such a mix emotion for me as you can see from my last post! I had no idea how much families going thru chemo have to pay on their own. I just assumed that with all the fund raising that goes on and our great and wonderful Public health care system all would be good. WRONG!!!

All this to say I have found what I can DO for my dear friends. I posted a note in the store with the picture above thanking our customers for their donations already and then I wrote....if we can get to $2,000 for the family I too will shave my head... in the store!! All Geli's Aunties have shaved their head and her maternal grandparents and my hubby...it's pretty moving and awesome. I have been asked why I haven't asked for more than $2,000....to be honest at first I was going to say $1,000. In a little over a week our tips for the family came to $265 so I thought we might reach $1,000 before the end of the month and why not push it back a little farther and see if by the end of the summer we could reach $2,000! Then I announced it on facebook and the emails started...asking me for the address so they could send chq's....my family is putting in a lot of $$ they all want to see me bald! :) I am thinking we can reach $2,000 fairly quickly and beyond. How amazing would that be? Extra funds for this family who's bottom has fallen out and their lives are completely turned upside down. Selfishly, I feel like it's something I can DO and that makes me feel like I have a voice against this disease and I am not just sitting idly by.

If you care to donate just email me or leave a comment and I will be happy to add it to the total and hand it over to this incredible family.

cancer research

2010-07-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

I spent a couple of hours yesterday with my friends family whos lives were turned upside down June 17th when they learned their 13 year old daughter had Leukemia. I was asking lots of questions about the meds she is on and why and they were sharing with me some of the costs they are enduring right now. For instance one of the meds they had to buy for her was like $178 for their 20%....they do have extended benefits that pay 80%...so their portion was over $170! for 1 type of med....yikes that is brutal! can't imagine those costs without the extended medical benefits! so we started talking about all the money that goes into cancer research every day, I am actually going to do some research on it, but I am guessing it is a multi-billion dollar industry.

I would like to know out of that $$ that we all give, what is the breakdown? is any alloted to families who are going thru the living hell of cancer? and if not...why not?! my staff at work decided to donate all our tips...which is not much usually....to their family....customers have given more and I know quite a few staff have been beefing it up as well....in a little over a week we had $265 to give them. I was pretty proud of my staff and it was a huge blessing to them as they need to buy a new vacuum system that kicks up less dust and cleans better. They also have to buy a new water filtration system because Geli can't drink tap water anymore. The list I am sure is quite endless.

So how do families that are hit with this random anyones game disease? I guess it is like any disease, certainly if it wasn't for my families support Jay and I would have lost everything when he was diagnosed with CIDP 3 1/2 years ago. He couldn't work. We looked into what was out there for us and it all boiled down to the fact that we owned a vehicle that was worth more than $5,000.00 therefore we didn't qualify for any aid....the fact that we owned a house was not even a factor but if you own a vehicle over $5 g's clear and free...then you get nothing. I found that brutal. .... just FYI Jay's blood treatments he has done 2 days a month in the hospital cost $5,000 per day..thats about $1,000 per bottle which takes 1,000 donors to create 1 bottle....so just another little push for people to donate blood! oh and our BC medica covers 100% of the hospital treatment but they don't cover the steriods he is on but again thankfully we have extended medical benefits thru my work...otherwise that is about $200/month.

We have an adult friend who has liver cancer and regular traditional chemo has failed him so now he is on Dr approved experimental treatments....NOT covered by our BC health care. He forks out $2,000 month in chemo meds alone. Where is all the $$$ raised for cancer research in this case? here he is a man about 50 years old, trying to work, employing others to work and since the approved traditional chemo is not working and he has to try an alternative to keep him alive he has to pay for it?! something ain't right.

My Aunt was diagnosed with a very deadly aggressive type of Leukemia about 6 years ago, was given 6 months to live and yah well she beat the odds....they were NOT going to do a bone marrow transplant on her for no other reason than she is over 60 years old....I don't know all the reasoning or statistics on this but when you are that family that reason really isn't good enough. They did do a mini stem cell transplant with my Uncle's blood and we all believe that is the reason she is alive and kicking...and if you know my Auntie that is true in every sense :) Love you Auntie!! :)

Please know that I am NOT saying that there is not a need for cancer research in any way shape or form.... I am saying that I would like a breakdown of where that money goes...how much in advertising? how many people does it employ?...to me it's no different than asking any relief world aid organization to breakdown how the donations they receive are spent. Do they make that information public? Is there an organization that keeps them accountable like the gov't keeps everyone else accountable...except for themselves but that's a WHOLE other soapbox!

Does anyone have information on this ? Like I said I am going to do a little research myself and see what I can find.

it's official

2010-07-17T00:04:00.000-07:00

Well after living in this house for almost a full year...the end of August it will be one year..... we OWN it! yah doing the little happy dance.

I know I haven't mentioned before that we were not the official owners, that would be due to the fact that I am used to things going upside down at times and you know the saying " until the fat lady sings"....well I am singing now!

To make a long story short we had to come up with extra funds we were not initially aware of blah blah blah....but now the papers are signed sealed and delivered. We still have a lot of work to do on the house...most of the appliances bit the biscuit after moving in and the house needs a lot of attention... a LOT! one of foo's friends who speaks his mind quite freely said to me..."your house sure is ugly isn't it?!" ah yah it's an old house and has some old problems...but it's our old house and our problems and you can't beat the view and the pool!

we are blessed!

parenting with help

2010-07-13T15:24:00.000-07:00

I think a friend of mine is going to start a parenting blog.....I SO hope so! there are so many times I sit here and think ... help! I can't do this on my own! ..... parenting is so hard sometimes... I know DUH right?! this teenager business is hard work, mostly for me I think it is the emotional work that I find the hardest. Those times I feel like collapsing in my chair sighing a big sigh and feel completely drained.

By nature I am an extrovert.... I know BIG shocker eh?! :) I spill the beans a lot! sometimes it gets me into trouble with my family. Even my kids have asked me why I have to tell everyone everything?, that might be a bit of an exaggeration but although I do have the gift of the gab I don't tell everyone everything. Over the years I have found telling a few key trust worthy people, more, is better! There are times like the one I currently find myself in, where I feel the need to gather as much information and wisdom to me, to help us make the right decision for our child.

There are times, as a mom, that I become really afraid of making the wrong choice, other times that I have that you know that you know kind of assurance. My gut in all this with high school and our 16 year old, was telling me NO to on-line schooling. Not so sure about what high school she should attend in Sept but as far as on-line schooling I was pretty confident in this situation, at this time, it was no. Now to convey that to an emotional teenager who is convinced "she can't do it anymore".......so I went to see a friend yesterday, a great lady who I have come to admire and respect immensely. She shared with me the fact that when she was younger she was shy and her parents never made her go somewhere after she said no.....in the end the message that she received although she knows was not intended by her parents was, you are not strong enough to handle it, they never made her get over that insecurity. As a mom herself she saw this trait in her daughter and so determined to make her go to some things even though the daughter protested shyness.....needless to say the daughter today is NOT shy! and doesn't have the insecurities the mother ended up battling. This spoke to me, explained to me the reason I was having a definite NO reaction to the on-line schooling. If we let Morgan stay home I think we would be hindering her to realize she actually CAN get over it, she CAN handle regular high school and she DOES have the strength in her and the support system to keep going. If we didn't then we would be feeding an insecurity in her that does not need feeding.

I sat beside her yesterday out by the pool and yet again told her we believe in her, that we know she CAN do this, that she is strong enough and that she does have value and talents and so much to give that she simply cannot hide out and not put herself back out there. Truth is we all have crap, we all get hurt, life sucks to different degrees at different times, poop happens, we are not all-powerful bubble wrapped creatures! I told her she has to trust us, that we are not wanting her to go back to school for bad reasons but simply because we believe in her. I felt she was listening. Later she came up to me put her head on my shoulder and told me in a whisper...... I don't know what I should do?...... I started to rub her head and down her shoulders, then I felt to tell her.... let Him wash you off.... let His oil pour over you and feel it wash you off, let go of the stress and picture yourself sitting in 2 of the biggest strongest hands you could ever see.....don't ask for anything, just sit there and let Him wash you of all the hurt and stress.....enjoy your summer, just be.....we have all summer to think about Sept and where you should go but for now let's just be. That might sound weird to some of you but it worked and peace did come. Later last night she came up to me and told me she had talked to a friend of hers in the States that does on-line schooling and she so regrets that decision......so.....she is relenting the demand that she does on-line school and that she cannot handle high school.....today she seemed much more relaxed and at peace.

While I feel a little drained :) I just had a great experience in sitting at the feet of wisdom, gathering information and advice, and trusting my instinct and the Lord in making decisions in parenting. So thanks for those of you that commented, thanks to my mom and JY for being there for me and of course so thankful J and I have been walking in unison in all this! Not saying we are all in the clear and I know there will be many more experiences and times we will go through trying times with our kids and maybe even in this situation, but I wouldn't change my openness in needing help for anything!

high school dilemmas

2010-07-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

The troubles my oldest had at school this past Spring never fully resolved. By that I mean.....she basically lost all her close friends and the last few months have been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. She is already probably my most emotional child of the 4 girls.....and at 16 she is in full swing. I can see her at school in my minds eye...self consciously shuffling down the hallways, looking but NOT looking for her now ex-friends who have gone on with life like she never existed and all is right in their world, trying to make it thru to the dreaded lunch hour where she can sneak away find a corner on the library floor and lose herself in a good book. As a mom this has been so hard, one of the hardest parenting experiences so far. Part of me wants to keep her at home let herself shut out the world and all those that could hurt her and part of me is so afraid of her doing exactly that.

We had to make her go to school some of those days with big tears in her eyes and the sag in your shoulders you never want to see in your child. It was so hard. We didn't want her to fail any of her classes and this year she has Provincials, way too crucial to skip. She finished the year, tried to make some new friends, endured to what is the worst experience a teenage girl can go thru with friendships and now it's summer. We have told her she can pick a new high school..... our not so little town now has 3 high schools.....we have told her she can stay there if she wants but in my heart I think that would be pure torture. She told us yesterday she wants to do school on line for a semester and if she doesn't like it then she will switch to a new high school. She is starting grade 11....holy cow can hardly even believe that!... she only has 2 years left and with a dream of going to college I am nervous all this will interfere with those plans....and no they are definitely her plans to!

As her mom I want to wrap her up in bubble wrap and yet again am afraid of that. The fact is girls are mean and cruel and no matter what school she goes to, no matter what college she goes to, or what job she works at.....she will most likely meet a "mean" girl. I have had several of the same experiences she had in high school from a child to adulthood. Not everyone gets along! Some people are nasty......sometimes we are nasty......it's life. So how to teach her that without it crushing her? that is the trick I am not sure of. This is where I am afraid of making the wrong decision.

So do I force her to go to the new high school? make her start all over again and face being the new kid...again! she just did this 2 years ago after moving back down from the North where she was the new kid 2 years before that.....she has been the new kid a couple of times now...not something she enjoys. Do I let her do on-line schooling? she can do her work in the safety of our home and behind a computer where she already spends 80% of her time? She is healing slowly from this and that is so hard to see. She definitely has decided to not return to the old high school she realizes the pain of seeing them everyday is just too hard.

(just a background on what happened....basically her little group of 5 girls met a boy, 1 handsome boy, all 5 girls liked 1 boy, boy liked 1 girl but flirted with other 4 girls, my girl started to see the chaos in it and started pulling back, the other 4 girls turned viciously on my girl.....obviously there is more to it then what I wrote here and I am sure a lot more than I even know...all I know is my daughter had a great little group of very close friends and now she has none)

So I am asking the big wide world out there...or the few that read my blog!..... what would you advise? have you had a similar experience? do you have a teenager that went thru a similar experience and if so what did you do? have to be honest not really looking to hear from anyone that hasn't either gone thru this yourself or doesn't have a child who has gone thru it!!! just sayin! :)

adjusting to the "new" normal

2010-07-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what normal is, I am starting to believe that word is a myth. A word that we have created to either judge others or ourselves and our current situations. Whether it is a "the grass is always greener" scenario or a dream we create in our heads when we are small, uneducated in the way things work and naive.

When J was diagnosed with CIDP 3 1/2 years ago my life began it's "new" normal. It's not like I had never gone thru a hard time or a dream shattering experience before this. I have a whole whack load of those in my resume but this was different. There are things that happen to you, devastate you and even at times break you. Most people experience something like that in one form or another in their lifetime. They hurt, they suck and eventually you get up wipe yourself off, mourn the experience or loss of whatever it is and then gradually move on. Then there are the events in our lives that transform our own individual definition of normal.

These are the experiences that change you....like real permanent change you. They are like forks in the road in your journey and you have to decide which way to go....and you have to decide, life simply cannot stop. They change the landscape around you and the colors you see the world. Later on when you are further down your new path you can look behind you and be amazed at how far you have come and then one day you realize this new life, this new way of looking at things and experiencing the journey is now normal. There is a certain calmness that coats you as you become aware that you are doing more than survive..... you are continuing your journey.

Sometimes I don't even realize I am watching J closely, looking for a sign of weakness in his body, a hesitation in his walk, a struggle to get up, holding to the railing with stairs, a further stoop in his back. Months of really good health does an amazing thing to time. I was asked last night by a lady I don't know personally but who knows his family and who's husband has the same disease as J, how he is doing. It was a little strange to try to remember how long things have been going well with his health. I am not even sure I know how to explain it. I had to think....when was the last time things were bad....hmmmmm....thinking thinking...oh Christmas.... December was a bad month and the beginning of Jan....I wasn't aware that I had stopped counting weeks and months in between relapses. I began to realize last night that I am pretty firmly planted in our new normal.

I think of my childhood friend, Stefanie, in the beginning stages of her new normal.....a normal I can't imagine.... my heart feels for her and her little boys. I think of my other childhood and closest friend, Patti, who is also starting a journey that I can't imagine and is terrifying. Both ladies on different journeys, as we all are, about to experience a new routine, a new dream, and a new hope...... as I have discovered even through the darkest times and toughest roads with time comes hope and learning to live in that realm makes the new normal....well....normal.

Life as I know it

2010-07-06T22:17:00.000-07:00

coming home from a holiday I am pretty sure requires another holiday! between craziness at work...and craziness at work....never ending laundry and trying to squeeze in some much needed time with the girls...my life is nuts. Simply stated we are too busy, I don't like it and something has to give.
my eczema completely cleared after a few days in Hawaii...now a few days home and it's back.... I feel like I am whining and totally spoilt but I want to be back in Hawaii so bad!! I have to say that the fact that we have a pool, even with the boiler not working properly, is such a blessing and is my oasis when I get home from work. I really feel blessed to have that. Today the view of Mt Baker was also breathtaking..we do live in a beautiful Province. SOOOOO glad that summer has finally seemed to have arrived here on the West Coast!
I think the biggest thing that we took from our holiday....is we need more holiday time! we used to camp when Morgan was little every chance we could get...then Em came and the next summer we had Hailey....we kind of stopped taking holidays and really have not made it a priority in our little family. Now that we have a pool and live a 2 min walk from a very sought after beach....it's nice! I know we are fortunate to live here....I am trying not to stress about the people who bought our house that have found there is a prob with the sceptic and are trying to put blame on us and accuse us of knowing about it and since that might become a legal mess I am sure I cannot publicly blog about it so I am going to leave it at that and just ask for those that care about us to pray for the truth to be known and justice to prevail!!!... I may have to delete that at some point! anyways!!!..... we are determined to start saving and make taking our family on a real vacation somewhere nice and memorable a priority. Morgan graduates in 2 years..... 2 YEARS PEOPLE! that is insane...don't even know how to begin how to express how that feels or how that is humanely possible!!! anyways I digress...AGAIN!..... our goal is in 2 years when she graduates OMGSH.. to take all the girls to Hawaii! so this means cutting back on what we spend the most $$ monthly on and that seems to be eating out...which means I need to cook more or get the girls to start helping with the cooking and since I work almost 6 days a week every month...something needs to give!

life as I know it needs to change! there are things that just cannot delay our attention, things that need us to make them a priority and not just simply take things as they come and be ok with it...time to make some changes, get everyone on board and get a holiday fund started cuz I cannot WAIT to go back to Hawaii...

have I mentioned how amazing that place is? I can't wait to go back!

today I observed

2010-07-02T22:40:00.000-07:00

Today I observed a very sick little girl get an overload of information and I am sure it is not the first time. I observed her attempt to give me a weak smile after just returning from a procedure which included chemo and a bone marrow biopsy. I observed a twinkle and sparkle in her eye as she talked to me about going to high school this coming Fall. I watched her learn to walk with crutches and push past her pain and discomfort. I watched her do the exercises the physiotherapist asked her to do and once not whine or complain about it.

Today I observed a dad watch over his daughter with such love in his eyes. I heard him speak knowledge to the care givers at the hospital, I saw him give a smile and encouragement to all those who came across his path. I observed how much he loves his family and cares deeply for his wife who just had their 5th child and cannot be there all the time which is breaking her heart and therefore breaking his. I observed a man who walks with integrity and compassion and strength that I felt in awe of. I listened as he shared the peace he feels which seriously passes understanding.

Today I observed a miracle in that this family is really holding it together and holding each other up in a complete time of chaos that defies explanation. Today I observed what it looks like to rest in the center of His hands. Today I observed Peace. Today I observed Loved. Today was an amazing day.

Hawaii....pics

2010-06-29T21:35:00.000-07:00

I was going to post some about our trip tonight but the school's out for the summer party my 11 year old is hosting plus a great long phone call to my friend took over! so this post is to be cont'd....

a range of emotions

2010-06-28T21:48:00.000-07:00

It's been quite the last couple of weeks..... we just returned from Hawaii our first real vacation since we have been married. It was great and fantastic and wonderful and amazing and beautiful and I will remember it always and post about it more with pics one day soonish.

The day we were leaving I got a text saying that my best friend's oldest daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia, she is 13 years old. Patti was due with her 5th baby any day. You can follow her story here. If you read my blog post, for Stefanie, Patti was the little girl with the brown hair. It feels so random and nonsensical. Words just simply are not enough to even begin to understand what she is possibly going thru. My heart is breaking for her. The good news is it is very beatable form of Leukemia, it is weird to say good news with a diagnosis of cancer.

She gave birth to an almost 10 pound baby boy just down the hall from where her oldest was/is receiving chemo, life saving poison. I can't imagine. She is home now with the new baby, 3 other children who are trying to grapple with all this in their own way and her hubby is at the hospital with Geli. I can't imagine. It all seems so senseless to me and I can't for the life of me wonder why.

I do believe in the power of prayer and even though my other childhood friend Stefanie did not get the miracle she was looking for with her beloved, all I can do is hope and pray that Patti will get hers. When all else fails.....pray. At the end of the day with all ranges of emotion the strength in both women is amazing. Patti knows that she knows that she knows the ending of this is going to be positive and on that I will stand and agree and even when I don't understand, can't imagine, I will pray.

being organic

2010-06-09T17:02:00.000-07:00

Lately as I have been imposing some pretty big changes at work I keep wondering at the statement I held on to when the store was first opening.....organic....and being organic...and letting things happen in a naturally progressive way. It is almost our 1 year anniversary and when I think of what we thought things would look like and where they actually are....it's diverse! So many bumps and bruises have occurred. Many frustrating moments and difficult conversations have taken place. From co-managing to being the one and only manager to shifting directions, making some tough cuts, to discovering our vision and then trying to implement that....it's been 1 learning curve year. Kind of like life! You begin as a child with a dream of what life and your life will look like then you go through that oh my gosh my parents are crazy I am the king of the world stage to the wonder and awe and heartbreak of falling in love and then falling out of love and then falling in love again, to reality hitting you pretty hard knocking you down a few notches to the awe and magic of becoming a mommy and all that brings with it back to the dreaming stage and now you are dreaming not only your life but your children's life. I am pretty sure for 99.99% of people what we dreamt and thought and believed have all changed, evolved and organically became something completely different.

It's all a life lesson, everything we do, all the decisions we make or do not make. They all lead us to where we stand today. So then I ask myself if where I stand today is where I want to be standing?...... work wise...yes I can see the shape the organic life form that the store is becoming, I see some challenges but I see much growth, mostly in me, and see some pretty clear indications of where we should be headed.....

personally, the answer is a yes and a no.... with so many factors of life and learning this new stage of life where I have one daughter who is in the oh my gosh my parents are crazy and know nothing stage, to another daughter who is starting to test the boundaries of the cheeky stage and wanting to be 16 when she is still only 11, to yet another daughter who's struggles keep me up at night, to the baby girl who is coming into her own and learning what is appropriate and not....(she just got a detention at school for calling a little boy a "toilet plunger" I thought it was funny and still laugh about it but the teacher was not so happy as she has been working with her to think before she talks!!). So yeah all that is fun...well actually most of the time it is, I have to say that our pool is my family's new best friend! I am in it all the time WITH the girls and we talk and talk and talk and talk... they love having my attention and I have to admit if there is a computer or my cell close by I am almost always distracted.

spiritually, the answer is most definitely a no.... I am not standing where I want to be or where I know in my heart I should be. I hate feeling disconnected with church as that is where I have spent the majority of my life and I am not sure how to be separated from it let alone want to be separated from it. Right now soccer and fatigue have taken over our usual Sunday schedule. This is something I am not content to leave just the way it is, it is something that I know we are going to have to change. I have raised my girls all to be strong and have an opinion and I have also probably passed on some of my discontented/restless self on to them regarding church. They do not all agree on where we should go...when we go.... ages 16,11,10 & 8 have pretty much different needs right now...so we are concentrating on the 16 year old needs as her world pretty much turned upside down a little while back and she is just able to find her new footing. I am thinking this is more of an area where I have to be more pro-active and not take such a laid back attitude towards.

I guess the key or at least a key in life is to figure out when to let things evolve on their own and when to step in and change the ingredients?!

for Stefanie

2010-06-01T00:07:00.000-07:00

In a land not so far away in a time about 35 years ago there lived in a small city nestled in the green green mountains 4 small girls. These girls were great friends knowing each other as far back as they could remember. In fact 3 of these girls lived on the very same street, 2 right beside each other and the other right across the street. These girls all so different in their own way, even in looks, one with red hair, one with brown, one with white blond and the other with dirty blond. They were quite the foursome at least in the oldest of the crew's mind. Unstoppable adventurous and quite happy in their childhood innocent bliss.

The 4 made plans to all live on the same street when they grew up and raise their kids together. They dreamed together, laughed together, fought and made up. They played endless games of Little house on the Prairie and Red Rover. They loved slumber parties and sleep overs and walking to the local corner store to buy $.25 grab bags and Big Mouth suckers.

They had a wonderful childhood together. They thought they would be best friends forever. One summer 2 of the friends, the red head and the oldest..the dirty blond... moved to another sea-side town which to them was the other side of the world. Letters and a few get togethers were exchanged but years and distance separated the group of 4.

The oldest of the group...the one who loved to be the boss since she herself had 3 older sisters and finally got to be the "leader" always thought of those years, the games that were played, the dreams that were dreamt, and the wonderful memories that made her childhood sweet innocent and happy. The oldest kept in contact with the red head and the brunette the following 29 years but lost touch with the white blond who never moved away and to this days family still lives in the same house nestled in the green green mountains.

The fearless 4 all grew up, all got married and between the 4 of them produced almost 13 children, the 13th to be born this very month. To say these girls have had their share of dreams broken and hearts torn is sadly nothing but the truth. After growing up they learned what most grown ups have to learn, that the journey holds bumps and bruises and even pain you thought you could never bare.

Today, May 31st, one of these girls lost their husband, the precious white blond girl with the rosy cheeks sparkling blue eyes and love pouring out of her. Her husband had cancer and left this world at way too early of an age. The oldest girl is so sad so so sad for the beautiful white blond girl who has to parent her 2 little boys by herself. Who has had to say goodbye to her knight in shinning armor.

Time and space, destiny and providence have moved these 4 girls to different places. No longer are their hands dimpled nor do they run carefree thru the fern thick forest. Tonight the oldest girl wishes for the white blond girl a dream filled sleep, of bubbles floating through the giggled soaked air, of white billowy clouds and childhood chants, of walks through the forest searching for treasures and frogs, of happier times when she met her husband and they planned their lives, remembering the birth of her sons, rejoicing in the fact that she herself survived cancer, dreaming of her sweet husband and all the joy he brought to her life.

I wish you much joy Stefanie, peace, and the dreams you dreamt when we were all little to come true some how some way.

my Hailey Bailey

2010-05-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

When I first became a mom at the mature age of 19....I had NO idea what I was doing. I had some preconceived ideas and certainly the fact that my older sisters and cousins had kids when I was young and did a LOT of babysitting all helped. I felt fairly confident that I was sitting in the drivers seat. When I had my second daughter almost 5 years later I was so thrilled to pieces and again had no real thought to what would I be as a mom or had any picture in my head how I would be as a mom of 2 children. Since it took us 3 1/2 years to have our second we were totally surprised when we had Hailey only 15 months after Em! After wanting to have more kids for so long we proceeded to have 3 in just 3 years. I was overwhelmed. Most of it is a blur. I am not sure what I was expecting but I do have to say that dispite feeling tired most of the time, I was in heaven. I love being a mom!

My pregnancy with my 3rd daughter Hailey was pretty much like the others, high risk and stressful. They thought that Hailey's stomach had a blockage and warned us that she might have to have emergency surgery right after she was born. Due to the fact that they thought this about her stomach, the fact that we had had 5 miscarriages prior to Em, and the fact that Em was born with an underdeveloped trachea.....they sent us for genetic counselling. They did lots of tests and realized she didn't have a blockage but did have a very slow digestive system...we then spent the next 2 years of her life feeding her VERY carefully. If she had even 1 ounce too much food she threw it all up and I mean ALL of it up!

Besides a very intense feeding schedule and carrying changes of clothes for me as well as her, she never missed! she was an intense little girl. She is still an intense little girl. She challenged me more than her 2 older sisters had ever come close to. I had to throw whatever rule book I had previously been following in my head completely out...this child followed another set of rules all together. It is still the same! She didn't talk much at first..in fact she never baby talked. No googoo gaga for this baby. She would just sit and observe. I was nervous that something was a little wrong until I saw one day that she was completely intelligent she just only spoke when she was ready. By 17 months she finally starting talking and talked full phrases. She had a temper from day 1. Once I remember Emily scratching her when she was about 3 months old...Emily only being 18 months old...and Hailey was screaming and the thing was you could totally tell she was not screaming so much because she was hurt but b/c she was angry she was hurt! my mom was over at the time and we both stood in unbelief at what we could detect in her cry. Hailey is a very strong girl.....who gets even! she has a quick reaction and it usually starts at the peek and then comes down. Why I write all this I have to say she also loves deeply and no one protects her sisters more than her! She is an artist and creative and so many amazing strong positive things! this post is just more about the challenges that are a part of what make her the incredible little person she is.

Hailey struggles with anxiety. I have started the process of taking her to a Pediatrician and get all the testing done...I don't believe she is ADD but most of her teachers think she is. I actually tend to think she has what her little sis Faith has and that is audio processing disorder. Most of all I think she is a little sponge who picks up what is going around her and doesn't know or is prepared to know how to handle that. If she has a moody teacher...which she does this year...she is becomes all over the place herself. She is so effective by the moods and emotions of those around her. School is not her favorite place. I have to say that about 75% of the time she whines and cries about having to go to school. She begs me to home school her. Many days I literally have to force clothes on her and peel her off me to get her out the door. Those days are hard. She also struggles with friendships. They don't come super easy to her like her big sis Emily. The 1 year between them leaves them with many comparing them with each other and like most sisters they are night and day. What comes easy for Em does not come easy for Hailey. It makes it harder that most things come easily for Emily.

I have had several meetings lately with Hailey's teacher, her school counsellor, her native school counsellor, and the Principal. They are putting her in the fast forward program made for kids with Audio Processing Disorder...she actually took Faith's spot as the school felt it was more crucial right now for Hailey to get the extra help. I am not sure how I feel about that as this year Faith is getting missed for everything pretty much and her coping skills are amazing and completely disguise where she is really at...but that's another post. I am not happy that I let the whole diagnosis thing fall to the wayside with Hailey, between moving and J's relapse last year and getting the new business going, I have been back in my own survival coping mode. The fact is now I cannot continue to let it lie, her anxiety seems to be peeking again and her school, social and academic life are all suffering.

I do see some growth in how she is handling things, for instance she knows that when she drinks coffee....something that I learned from a friend you can give kids that are like Hailey and it acts much like Ritalin does...it brings them down (you have to have a child like this to really understand what that means).... so she will tell me some mornings... "I need coffee" thru her tears and moaning....she also sometimes recognizes when she is hungry and needs food..something else that will effect a breakdown. The more you push this precious little girl..the more she digs her heels in and falls apart. I have had to learn to not react, which is mostly what I want to do, and to get down to her level and help her to communicate what she is needing at that moment. That is a challenge.

In the next couple of weeks hopefully we will get some more answers and some help for her to cope with the anxiety and have a game plan for her going into grade 5. It just can't continue the way it has been going. The school seems on board to help her and that is great. I am not sure how many more mornings I can take watching her struggle with really really NOT wanting to go. Not sure there are any clear cut answers....

Do you have a child similar to mine? if so what are some of the things you have learned to do that help?

looking forward....

2010-05-16T10:35:00.001-07:00

There is so much going on lately, so many things I would love to pound out my thoughts on but the biggest constant in my life right now is the lack of time. I feel like a broken record! I know this is just a stage of life we are in....with 4 girls in full time school. grade 10, grade 5, grade 4 and grade 2....life would be busy for me if I was home full time. I would love to find a balance I am just not sure there is a perfect balance out there for me right now. So I have to make the time I do have count.

We leave for Hawaii in 1 month... I am sooooooooooo excited and cannot wait! I am sooooooo ready for this time away. It is kind of hard for J as work is really picking up for him and he is really busy. I just keep thinking about the beaches, the sun, the coconut aroma in the warm air. I want to go snorkeling and be tossed by the Ocean waves! I am really really looking forward to it! Even though I haven't been deligent with going to the gym :( again lack of time and really I am not sure I care that much..while I would love to lose 20 pounds and lose the jiggly I am not that unhappy with myself to put the effort in it requires, not a big enough issue for me to make that a priority on a very limited time schedule.

J and I have only ever left the Province 2 times in 15 years together! once we went to Edmonton for a friends wedding...and whahoooo that is only the Province over from us, and the other time we flew to San Fransisco to visit J's dad for a few days. For our honeymoon we went to Salt Spring Island for a week, it was really nice and we had our own little cabin and it was on a private lake that J went fishing on every day...even in the weee hours of the morning. The second week of our honeymoon we went to my Uncle's Ranch where I was sick all week and J went hunting.... so REAL exciting! this trip is LONG over due! J doesn't really like hot climates and Hawaii is not on his top list of places to visit mostly I think b/c there is no hunting there!

The time away together is much needed. Between my work and his work and the 2 youngest soccer and the oldest's play practice schedule (she has a part in her school's senior play which they perform this coming week and I am doing the makeup and hair for...I love doing that kind of thing and I love being involved in something that is important to Morgan even more) and the 2nd's extremely busy social life....we seem to be missing each other these days.

We used to go out on date nights pretty regularly but again the schedule doesn't allow for too many of those either lately. 10 days away with just him...(and my parents since they are the ones taking us!) is going to be such bliss. I can't wait to sit and just be with him on the cruise ship with no cell phone vibrating, no distractions besides the luxury and beauty around us and no demands. My cell phone goes off a lot for work at all times.....it's not something he is really not fond of, a sore spot actually. I will not be taking my cell phone with me! I will take my lap top....have to connect with my kids somehow! and of course to down load pictures. ;)

Just me and my baby.....how sweet it will be!

Birthday Season

2010-05-10T22:15:00.000-07:00

All of our girls birthdays are between Jan and May...and 3 of them have their birthdays only weeks apart...I know poorly planned on my part :) it usually ends up an exhausting momma don't want to plan another party by the time I get to Foo's. Sadly my Hailey was missed this year and it being her 10th birthday and the fact that she didn't have a party last year...by her own choosing, she took me to the spa instead :) this was a bummer for her...although she wasn't sure who to invite but that is another post as my 3rd daughter is yet again having a hard time at school and I am almost at the point of pulling her and figuring out if I can work f/t and home/work school...... but again that is another post....

Tomorrow is my baby's 8th birthday. My baby is 8! that is crazy! I am so proud of her. She is so giving and so tender hearted. Most people fall in love with her! she has a lot of love to give as well. This year we had a movie then swimming party at our house and she was only allowed to invite 4 friends...thats about all the kids I want to be responsible for in my pool..and even at that I asked a mom to help! (I only had to go into the pool once in my clothes to pull a little girl out...it's all good!! uh hem) she told me who she wanted to invite which included a boy in her class that has a f/t TA for issues I had no idea about. Foo was insistent even though I have to admit I was nervous not knowing what the issues are and was unsure I was equipped to handle it alone. (Yet again J managed to plan a weekend away on a planned birthday party...he has yet to be here for 1 in a LONG time...another post!!) She didn't care what we did for her party as long as her little friend was able to come. So I got over my small apprehensions and invited him. HE WAS SO EXCITED to come to her party. He has severe ADHD and some other disorders and is a very busy little boy. He did really well in the theatre for about 20 min then he informed me by saying "faith's mom I can't sit here anymore", he actually has amazing verbal skills! He tried for about another 5 min and then I had him pace the aisles and he did really well...asking me only about every 3 minutes if it was time to go to my house to go swimming yet. He was really good. Foo told me that no one else in her class has invited him to a birthday party or to a have a play date. She is determined to change that. She amazes me. Her heart overwhelms me.

Turns out her friends mom and I hit it off immensely and I think I have made a new friend. Her ability to love and accept others opens doors for all those around her. She is my last miracle baby with a heart over flowing with love. Love you baby girl, Happy 8th Birthday!

no title!

2010-05-05T20:31:00.001-07:00

Instead of bloggin about how tired I am...which I am....or how busy I am...which I am... actually I have no idea what I am going to blog about! I get these random thoughts here and there and think oh wow that would make a great blog post and then I get busy and tired and yeah...forget!

So tonight I am going to attempt to graze on some of the things I have been thinking about.

First before I say anything else all I think or am going thru as a family, seems like nothing compared to a childhood friend who's husband has been basically been sent home.....ok I can barely say it.... he has stage 4 cancer. He is 36. It is such a sad situation and everything I think I want to say to her sounds so empty. I cannot even imagine what she is going through. They have 2 small boys. She is a cancer survivor herself. So lately when I am feeling overwhelmed I think of her. They have a blog, she is so strong, she is amazing.

That's kind of hard to follow..... makes so many things trivial.

struggling with this one, it all seems so unfair.

so I think I am not going to blog about what I was thinking....which was basically a few ideas on community and a few ideas/thoughts I had on it and how to create it more in my family.... it can wait.

I will give an update on M....things are not really better, she is struggling with putting herself out there with her peers. She is afraid of this happening again especially since she is still not sure of how it even all came down in the first place. Words cannot really describe how hard it is to watch her struggle to go to school. She is hiding out in the library. She wants to be home schooled. She is withdrawing. It is so heart breaking. I know she will come through it and she is learning a hard life lesson but at the same time you just want to protect and shelter and smother!

momma bear x 2

2010-04-28T23:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, which already feels like last week, my oldest daughter was blindsided by her friends. Getting a phone call from her at school with her sobbing was heart wrenching. I half wanted to run to the school, smack whoever hurt my baby, cry for her, and a whole range of emotions a momma bear experiences.

I am not sure if it makes it harder or easier that I saw this coming!

4 really close girls meet 1 good looking boy with NO supervision NO one to answer to (that is a long story that is not mine to share!) and thinks quite highly of himself , and he is in grade 12, the girls are in grade 10.
so you can imagine that is not a great combination.

all of a sudden I saw
- the girls ONLY talked about this boy
- in a quick time period all girls talked nonstop about said boy and made references like "so glad we have found a life long friend"
- he was welcomed whole heartily into all the girls activities
- the girls were all infatuated

I saw trouble brewing for this group

I didn't want it to be so... I talked to my baby about being careful about what I could see potentially happen what I dreaded could happen..... and to make a long story short, it happened.

3 turned against 1 and guess who delivered the message? the boy...completely caught up in the middle of it all.

Now my baby is crushed. She feels betrayed by her friends and not even sure how or why this has happened. It doesn't even really make sense. My heart is hurting for her. I remember all to well the power your peers have on you! I remember grade 7 when I was blindsided and ganged up on by a group of girls and one of their mothers. I remember in grade 12 when I thought what was a private letter to a friend became public and I was laughed at by an entire group of girls. Devastation. Insecurities. Bewilderment. All the things you would never wish for your daughters, and yet a part of you knows it is most likely inevitable. Girls can be cruel. Girls with raging hormones and making their place in a pecking order with a handful of newly introduced testosterone in the mix and you have someone in that mix that is going to get hurt. I just so wish it wasn't my daughter.

I did go to the school, I did see the boy by fluke walking by the office. I did want to confront boy then I realized I was too angry and shouldn't which I emphatically told the receptionist. I did talk to the councillor and vice principal, they did make me feel that my baby is important to them and vowed to help. They made me promise to make her go to school today..that was hard..I wanted to let her stay home as much as she wanted to stay home. This is a life lesson that is so hard to have to learn.

This momma bear also wrote a couple of emails to boy and one of the girls.....now I think I need to keep being there for M and let her do the rest. I hope she knows I am here for her and that we are all loving on her big time. This momma bear now needs to let her work it out with her friends even though I want to be angry for her and find her new friends and maybe even a new school. This momma bear is exhausted.

the essence of me

2010-04-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

I have been busy lately... I know shocker right?! I am always busy and I can admit I thrive on being busy. I love learning new things and being challenged....ok to a point I like to be challenged.

There is a turn around at work with a few people leaving and me having to hire some new fresh faces. I have to say that all this is challenging me! I actually hate having to call people back and tell them I didn't hire them. I don't like to make people feel bad. I thought it might be that I don't want people to think badly about me and while I believe no one wants to be disliked I do not believe this is my driving reason. I like to make people feel comfortable. I like people to like being with me. I do not like confrontation! now, being a manager, makes this literally impossible! especially with a few of the growing pains a new business experiences. My heart starts to race and I get prickly heat in the back of my neck. My throat closes on me when I try to talk and my ears start ringing. I hate that feeling! I do not like knowing my body is physically reacting to what I cannot avoid.

When I worked at the hotel I loved being the mediator. I was actually really good at it. I could sit there easily and confidently and mediate between 2 very different people with 2 very different personalities and help them come to a middle ground of understanding. I loved it. This however is different. Being the manager means that I am the one having to address the issues, not mediate the issues. I did learn a lot from my cousin last weekend when we went to Whistler Zip Trekking, (ok that was sooooooooooo fun I highly recommend going).****I am learning to take me time doing what I want and making it count!)**** She is a life learner and has taken a lot of courses in mediation and conflict resolution. She recommended I read a book called "crucial conversations", I am hopeful that will help. It helped just talking about it. She helped me to look at one in particular issue I have to address with one employee and break it down to a simple yet crucial conversation and remove my emotion from it. I feel so much more enabled, although this is part of my job that I dread.

Yesterday we went to the Food Expo in Vancouver, it was great. I met some new possible vendors and loved talking to the sales reps and learning more information on what is out there. In that situation I am totally in my element. It feels natural to me. This side of my job is exciting and I love it.

This week I have 2 special events, one for the local chamber of commerce and the other is my sisters 20 year High School Reunion. I LOVE doing special events, from the planning and organizing to the execution. I love mingling with people, serving them and watching them enjoy the venue. I love talking... I know I am full of shockers today :) This aspect of my job I also love.

It's funny to me all the different aspects of my job that is so integrated with my life, the fact that both my parents and my in-laws are the owners does indeed write that into stone! The store has become so many different aspects of my personality from my weak points to my strengths. This is sometimes a good thing and maybe sometimes not such a good thing.

It has been hard for me to separate the work me and the home me. I literally am at the store if not in body then in mind 24/7. This at times is exhausting. I treasure my day off.... I say day b/c it really only comes down to 1 day a week that I get to do anything for myself....and that is not even a guarantee. I have to say that having our pool open and running and heated is blissful and I love coming home at the end of the day and having a float...I don't really like swimming but I love to float!....with my girls. They love having me in the pool with them and I love the conversations that open up between us. They are growing up so quickly and becoming such little women.

There are so many sides to me that makes me who I am and I can tend to be hard on myself for my weakness', but I think I need to let that go and while I believe improving oneself is a good thing at any time, I am starting to think that maybe my weaknesses add to the essence of me.

MIA

2010-04-23T23:48:00.000-07:00

I am here but not here
I am home but not home

I am MIA with nothing more to say..... for now :)

connecting

2010-04-16T23:18:00.001-07:00

We have recently been internetless at home... I cannot believe how out of touch I felt with having NO Internet and therefore no facebook, crackbook or whatever else it is called! Not having access to emails meant I forgot important pick ups....mostly our youngest daughters soccer equipment (since recovered) which J has signed up to be the coach, which means I am helping to keep him organized and all that that means! it's crazy! Both the younger girls are playing soccer this Spring Season and that means 2 practices during the week, not on the same day which I am still not sure is a good or bad thing, and back to back games on Sundays... this means no church for a few months which is not a good thing but unavoidable at this point.

So things are crazy and I have to say that I have moments..several moments...during the day that I miss the laid back lifestyle of the North. I miss my friends there. I miss the easy going lifestyle. I have to admit there were many crazy moments there as well....being there without J was insane...and I am not even sure that is what I am wanting to blog about right now... what did I want to blog about??!... well..... I think it's a little bit about the loneliness that creeps in when life is busy and you are not really connecting with anyone and then out of the blue.... you make a new friend that feels easy and effortless and just...well just right! that is what happened tonight... I let Foo have 2 friends over after school ( we just got our pool ready for the season...cleaned and treated and sparkling blue again and heated, although a little TOO hot!) and her one friends mom stayed and we got to talking and talked and talked and just connected! she is a single mom and my heart SO goes out to her! She is Korean and is here in Canada with NO family and is making it on her own...literally! For the last 7 years she has struggled to be "settled", it was such an amazing evening.

We walked down to the beach for ice cream and when walking the promenade we watched a Coast Guard Hovercraft pull onto the beach. We walked over and saw they were letting people go on board so we got in line and were able to tour the boat...it was pretty cool! a very amazing opportunity. In the midst of a crazy week.....workplace challenges to say the least, watching J struggle physically again, being sick and recovering from the soreness from the accident, there was a breath of fresh air this evening learning of some one's story and finding a friend that I can relax with and just be me....totally priceless!

It was really neat after feeling disconnected from the "web" world we are so emmersed in to actually connect with a person in such a real way.

the creative side of me

2010-04-07T19:59:00.001-07:00

I discovered something on my what are the odds weekend! you will have to read my last post to see what the odds were! I discovered that although I get car sick if I read in the car I do not get sick if I crochet!! so I crocheted my little fingers off.... I made 2 baby blankets for my niece and then I decided to google "how to crochet a hat" on Monday morning and have made 4 hats already.. I think I am addicted! it is so fun and I love love love that something that I make is completed so quickly! one of the things that I have found that makes me ticks is the sense of accomplishment. I also love being creative, from sewing to painting to crocheting to scapbooking (well not in a long time sadly) I love to take something "raw" into my hands and see what becomes of it. Having this outlet is so necessary for me. When I haven't been creative in a while I can almost feel it boiling over in me and I just got to DO something. It's a great therapy for me. (I have completely stopped taking the anti-depressants....I came off them the right way and I am feeling fine, last weekend certainly was not helpful but I have come to the point that I think my problem of depression was lifted with the house selling up North and what I am still working through now is anxiety... key being I am working on it and communicating with J how I am feeling is huge and even though I can feel my patience level with the kids go down off the meds but again I am working on it.)

This little girl pictured above is turning 10 tomorrow...DOUBLE DIGITS! she is so excited and has NO idea what she wants for her birthday...which leaves me just as stumped...we are going to have her party next weekend in the hope that our pool will be functioning and we can have a pool party.

I think I am on a roll with the hats...getting a little better with each one as I continue to figure it out and now I have "orders" hehe well more like family demands!! haha Shash just kidding! :) I love making stuff for people and exploring the creative side of me!