do you really want to know?

today I had a thought run through my head and not to long after that was talking with someone outside of Staples about exactly what I had thought about... I know, weird eh?!

what I had thought was this

I wonder if when people ask you "how are you?" if they really want to know!

why did I think about this?

well I have a family member who is basically going blind, she can only see shapes now and no details, when I ask some of my family... how is she doing? I get a rare answer and it is usually, she is doing much better and getting stronger everyday. I certainly hope this is the case and I am all for positive thinking and believing but where I get lost is this.... where does reality and dare I say the truth lie and how can I pray and how can I help gets lost in the "she is on the mend". I hope she is.

***I am not meaning to step on anyone's toes by this post and I definitely am not trying to say I don't believe she is not getting any better or that she won't get any better!

I am living with someone has a "chronic" illness and it all makes me wonder..... when people ask me "how are you? how is J?" do they want to know? do they want to hear the positive answer and what we are hoping and praying for? do they want to hear that some days are really bad and I struggle with the phrase "God will never give you more than you can handle"! in fact many days when I hear that I want to say OH REALLY???!!! I don't think it means I have a lack of faith or that if I don't say 100% positive things 100% of the time I am going to mess up J's healing!! cuz really, wouldn't that make me "bigger" than God?!

ok I am using a ton of " and ! in this post :)

I think there are some people that ask only to be polite. They really only want to stop long enough to hear "we're fine, kids are great, J is great and I am fantastic!" There are some people who probably want to hear all the negative dirt....the juicy details so they can tell everyone they know that they know more about our family than anyone else.... and I think, well I know! that there are those that genuinely want to know, that care, that would pray for us... that do pray for us, that love our girls and really want to know HOW they are doing, what they are doing, who love J and want to see him well. Those are the ones that I want to be able to answer honestly and share a glimpse into our lives.

I wonder how I come across to others? I wonder if they think I am genuine and care or if I am just so busy being busy and important that I make them feel they have to give me the pat answer?

This Christmas I am making it my goal to slow down, listen and BE there in a real present sort of way even if I only have a minute!

It's almost here...let the panic craziness and meyheim begin!!

Just thinking about starting to Christmas shop and I can feel my blood pressure rising! crazy! I think it is getting worse and worse and with working the crazy insane hours I am...yeah it's not helping! J told me tonight that I may not be physically at the shop 7 days a week but I am there in mind and spirit 7 days/week... I need to work on that! soon! this is the busiest time of year for our kind of store and I can't say we don't need it! so in one breath I am saying bring it on and with the other I am saying oh I just need a little time to get caught up! deep sigh!

I watched this video on Sunday go watch it then come back!!

totally moving right?!

I want that, although sometimes I am wondering if I want it more because of where we are financially and it means less prep....ok less SHOPPING and standing in lines and less spending? or because the core of the message really speaks to me....... I hope it is the latter!

So this season there are many things I want to change

my weight....oops had to slip this one in there...seriously have to do something before I hit the next dress size and I feel it coming! stress = massive weight gain for me = stress that I am gaining and yeah on and on it goes!

my time.... more with family and friends

my gifts....love to spend more time giving out of my heart instead of with my left overs

remembering .... what this Season is all about and the Spirit that is behind it all!!

Happy Holidays!

another letter to my girls Nov 09

to my dearest girls

today someone asked me if I am where I wanted to be in life, if I am where I imagined I would be when I was a little girl. the answer is simply, yes and no. ok so it's not so simple!

as a little girl I had many dreams as I know you do know. I dreamed of traveling the world, something I still hope to do and am so thankful for the places I have been! I dreamed of being a missionary and raising my own children in amongst whatever country I happened to be in, something I have done and can still happen to a degree. I dreamed of being married to a tall dark handsome man, achieved! I dreamed of being a mom, four times blessed! There have been a lot of bumps in the road. Lots of directions that were not my choice and some that were. and here I am today, a mom of 4 married to a tall dark handsome man who has traveled the world and I am only 35!

many things come at you on this journey that you don't dream of, the loss of wanted babies, a sickness that claims your husbands health. Things that you have to drudge through and make conscious choice after choice to endure with grace and know the ultimate goal before you. among those times are wonderful memories that help to carry you through.

What I want you to always remember is to not be afraid to dream. To never lose that innocence you have right now, that the skies the limit! To dream big. To hope for great things! no matter what happens in life, no matter what is thrown at you don't let go of those things that make you smile on in the inside. Remember the dreams that you have right now and hold on to them.

Dream BIG! dream often!

it's all about me!

Why is it that when we come to some resolution, some determined purpose sense of direction in our day to day living that it seems everything that could and would does go wrong? Perplexing! The old religious me would say well that is because we have an enemy who wants us to fail....and while I do believe that not to be a lie I think we tend to focus or blame stuff on that instead of realizing that well 1) life happens and some of it is #$*#@(# 2) we have choice! and consequences to those choices 3) mind sets and life long patterns are hard to break!
I think I have lived out all 3 scenarios this week!

Right after coming to this place in my journey where I felt a quiet resolve in me, it felt like I was getting hit from all sides. Right down to being physically sick... like bone aching hurts to swallow all I want to do is whimper be served and sleep! I think part of that is my previous months schedule where I was at work way more than I was home, add a women's retreat of little sleep in an unknown room and follow that quickly by being a helper at 2 of my daughters Girl Guides/Brownie camp with no sleep, no comfy chairs to rest my weary bones in, cooking for a group of 14 very active girls and then add to that some 10+ hour days at work....and I can't be a little bit NOT surprised that I am sick! but thats not really what I wanted to talk about....just need to whine a little more :)

I felt overwhelmed on Friday, watching J struggle physically, having a few frustrations with work, financially feel completely caved in on and I felt sorry for myself. Really there is no other way to put it. Just deflated I can't take it anymore and why is my husband not getting any better? like ok I know he has good days and bad but no general sense of we are actually heading out of this CIDP thing! Then on top of feeling all these wonderful elating emotions I started to beat myself up for not "staying in the eye" ( you have to read my last post to understand ).

I wonder why we have this sadistic need to beat ourselves up when we are struggling? what is it that makes me demand so much from myself at times? Then I generally get frustrated with everything as I go on the merry go round of lets analyse and reanalyse my behaviour feelings ride and well it's not so fun!

Then when I am not expecting it I get a phone call from a friend and just her voice on my answering machine cheers me within! Then I go to my cousins coaching practice thingy for her course where my oldest and I rolled played for her a scenario and she had to mediate for us...which was really cool but I felt so bad cuz my brain was so fuzzy and stuffed!! then we went to see "New Moon" and then had lunch with my cousin and her daughter and my oldest daughter which is so fun! and my cousin treated us! and then I get a phone call and told that this coming Friday a new wall oven and washer/dryer are being delivered...all 3 things are broken in my house and it has been extremely difficult trying to run a house of 6 without an oven and half working dryer and a washing machine that will only wash in hot water... I need some new sweaters!! and we found a match made in heaven for our little puppy who we really didn't have time or energy for and was costing $$ we just didn't have... so while so many things were going wrong... so many were also going right! and to finish the weekend my Aunt and Uncle stopped by and had dinner with us ( I was not up for going out!) and it was lovely and so enjoyable.

I think it all just confirmed to me how much looking at the positives and picturing myself in the eye of the storm instead of being lost in the chaos is where I have to stay. I am becoming such a believer in the power of the imagination! So many times this week I literally had to take a deep breath and close my eyes and picture what I saw in my dream and step into that place to feel the calm and peace I so desperately want/need to feel!

living in the eye

Last weekend I went away to a Ladies Retreat, I sooooooooooo needed this! needed to get away, give myself some time! it is something I think us moms don't do very often and it is so important to take time for yourself! I needed to take the time to reflect and I knew it was time to reprioritize some things in my life.

I have felt for a long time that I have been caught in a storm. With one thing after another coming crashing down on me. It has seemed totally ridiculous at times the things that have happened to us. I have felt so much of my life had been spiralling out of control.

The Friday night I had a dream. I dreamt that I was at this building, it almost looked like a barn, and my family was there and other people and the air was heavy thick and warm like it is before a storm. There was an incredible sense of peace and calm, like almost being in slow motion. I stood outside the building and looked around and outside the circle where we were all standing and playing I saw the walls of a tornado all around us. I looked up and there were birds trapped by the storm looking like they were suspended by string flapping their wings but not moving anywhere. I realized that I was standing in the eye of the storm and knew what was around me and knew it had to move on right through us before it would go away and yet I couldn't shake the unbelievable peace that had flooded me. I told my family in a calm way, I guess we should think about going inside, not even sure the building would hold for the storm to pass through but again the peace that I felt was complete by that I mean there was no room for any other feeling or emotion other than the peace and calm that I was feeling.

I woke up in the morning and was like hmmm that was interesting and then kind of forgot about it. That night the speaker starting talking about living in peace and then said, the kind of calm and peace that is in the eye of the storm......and I knew just totally knew that the dream was a message to me to live in that place of peace, that indeed my life is surrounded by a storm right now but I need to focus on living in the calm and peace and not to worry and panic about what is going on around me!

Living in the eye is the best place to be!

few more blessings to report

someone gave us a tv! our other tv totally blew it's wires!!
I am going away this weekend! just me and some of my favorite ladies :) I can't wait to sit back and relax!!
some real positive things are happening at my work as well....not going to talk about it here but change happened and this time change is really good!

turning it around

well when the bad gets going...well basically when the #(#))( hits the fan! I have no nice little antidote...sometimes you hit the wall and there is no just getting up and dusting it off and strolling on your merry way. Sometimes....sometimes... you hit the wall and fall down and sit there for awhile staring at the wall and wondering how it came to be there. Sometimes we get so focused on how what where why the wall is there that it becomes our new focus, our new obsession. Sometimes we are able to dust ourselves off and really and truly keep going....loading more and more on our shoulders and not really taking the time to discover why we felt any kind of wall in the first place.

sometimes we get really great advice
sometimes we get really crappy advice

and then sometimes you get a glimpse of what you knew all along

that the wall is meant to stop you from keeping on the loaded way you are going
to give you a break from what you were never meant to carry

wow that was deep!

:)

I sometimes get deep thoughts! well to me they are deep to others these might be the ramblings of a strange and wacky woman and they very well might be!! just going to have to stay tuned to find out!

so what I am wanting to say in all this is

it is what it is and you can chose to ignore the screaming obvious
or
you can chose to look in the mirror and deal
so

I am dealing

I had a great "phone" meeting with a lady that I trust and if you don't have one of those....find one!! along with a couple of really meaningful emails, I felt poured in to!

one thing I was told and I am planning on doing with purpose is

writing down daily blessings
writing down every day something that went right
turning my and my family's focus to realize and choose to celebrate the everyday blessings that happen to us...be it someone opening the door for us, someone giving an unwarranted smile, or saying a timely and meaningful word!

we are going to look at the good and positive things happening in our lives and focus on them

if you didn't already know, what you are going thru affects your kids! they too are spirit and pick up on what you are feeling and going thru!
so me living as if the other shoe is going to drop, like the floor is about to give way at any moment has crept into my children and so now it is up to me to turn that around

so here is what I am happy about today...the little or not so little things that were a blessing to me

- my parents came home last night instead of tonight... huge blessing for me
- tonight at dinner my girls were happily talking about their day at school, Em is working on her Peer Counselling certificate and that is pretty cool!
- dinner was ready for me when I got home and it was yummy
- girls played so well together after dinner
- someone told me they loved seeing my big smile

I am blessed and although I may hit a wall again somewhere along my journey.... and having lived 35 years and having being married for 14 years and having 4 daughters I am smart enough to realize it will most likely happen, I am not wanting to hit this particular wall again, I am wanting to learn what I need to learn, refocus and turn it around!